What Should I Do About a Host Who Cancels and Has Personal Issues?

[MissChef]

Okay, this will be lengthy!!!
I didn't know where to put this thread so I just came here! We need a category labeled "Venting!"
I have a host that I am so darn upset with and confused about and it's making me crazy!
I am scheduled to do her show tonight, but who knows!
She called me on Wednesday when I was at the dentist. She said she was just calling to touch base about her show and to call her back. I did a couple hours later, in the early evening and I have had no luck getting a hold of her! I told her in a message that I needed to plan her food with her and that I had a show tomorrow too so I really wanted to have everything ready in advance.
Now here's the kicker, her and I have hit it off great all along, she called me more in the beginning than I did her! She was really into it and had a ton of stuff she wanted!
She is also a Mary Kay Consultant, who, in my opinion, should understand that this is just wrong.
More important info is that the woman she scheduled her show off of is a part of my extended family. Wife of my B.I.L.'s uncle. So I know I can trust her, she told me last night when I called her to see if she knew anything, (this lady is her neighbor) that her hubby is an alcoholic and that she had seen them earlier in the evening argueing because the hubby had been drinking and had their son on his lap and drove to the store! So..... here is where things go worse for me..... Keith (my hubby) heard me talking to the original host(my family member, Terri) and asked me what was going on, and when I told him, he said "well, I don't want you doing that show if he is going to be causing an issue, is that something you really want to be part of?) which no, I don't, but coming from a home with an alcoholic Dad.... I feel for the lady! Because I remember what my Mom went through!

Okay, so there is more! This is a show that rescheduled 2 weeks ago because she had strep throat... and I know that is true because Terri confirmed it. But this time Terri wasn't even invited! And Terri orginally had 6 people coming with her!
Now, here is the deal.... I really felt a connection with this lady and thought their was a little bit a of a friendship growing! ( I love that about this business!) So, I really don't want to write this off, but I don't want to get caught up in something that is way too much for me! When I heard about her hubby all the memories of my young life came rushing back and I got knots in my tummy, but I also have compassion for her because of my Mom!
I'm also a Christian and believe that this lady could handle having friends and understanding! But to what extent?

I don't want to let this lady know that I know so much because of what Terri told me but I also would like to offer her some options.
So what would you all do? What options would you offer and what if she calls me this morning and wants to go ahead with her show, I don't want to go to a house where the man is drunk!
I'd love to get everyones' take on this! Any advice or whatever would help me! I just am bogged down with this right now! And I've discovered you all really help when I need it, even when you don't know it!

 

[sailortena]

No offense, but the information that was told to you beforehand was secondhand from a third party and not from the host herself, so you don't know the whole situation. Also, even though you have grown up in a household with an alcoholic does NOT mean that this host's husband is going to be running around her house with drinks and being drunk all the time.I think you are over-reacting and making this into too much of a drama and stress for yourself. This host has not shared this information with you about her husband, and probably would not be appreciative if you call her to cancel her party saying, "you know, i am sorry I can't do your party because I hear your husband is an alcoholic and I just don't feel comfortable with that." Are you upset that she has not returned phone calls to set the menu? If that is not done in time, then choose the ingredients yourself and have her reinburse you for them if it's easier for the both of you.

 

[Jules711]

This does seem like high drama and sometimes it means there is slightly less to the story when you get the whole thing (but not always). As for your friend not being invited, talk to the host. Invites to get lost in the mail sometimes or maybe she THOUGHT she invited her b/c it was so obvious OR thought you would b/c you know her. Don't know until you ask.If you are really concerned about safety, then bring a friend or your husband as your helper for the night. That doesn't have to be a big deal. I've done that for a friend when she couldn't lift her books. However, if she isn't contacting you, then I'm not sure what to tell you. I need to have some contact so that I know there is still a show.Good luck with everything.

 

[MissChef]

I do understand that it sounds like high drama, and I never said I would cancel. I can see where in my post you thought maybe that I would, by saying "what if she calls and wants to have her show. My #1 frustration is that she is not calling back. The show is TONIGHT! Not in a couple days. Regardless it wan't the lady's place to tell me about the situation, I'm glad she did, because at least the no contact is making some sense and I'd rather know what I'm walking into than not! I also am not going to buy the food and go show up and not have her ready for it, that would be a waste of my time, plus what if there was something serious going on for her, then I definetely dont' want to stand at the door with my stuff when she doesn't want me!
I know this isn't my childhood deal, and I'm not thinking that he's going to be running around acting all dumb, I just want some contact with her! She doesn't need to tell me her life story but I would appreciate knowing if she intends to keep her show.
If he is drunk, then fine. I just don't want the lady feeling all uncomfortable either.
I guess I'm not getting my point across well.... I'm not a drama queen. This is just something that I feel upset and weird about. I've NEVER canceled a show in 8 years even when I felt it would not be good and I have a good attitude before and during every show, this is just something I have not encountered.
I wish I hadn't said anything now, cause now I feel stupid

 

[OhmyDLM]

No need to feel "stupid" at all! The contex of people's word are so hard to get through in email form which is always something to keep in mind.

I'd keep on calling her up until the show time if it makes your feel more comfortable. Or if she lives close by, maybe stop in to say hello and let her know you couldnt get her by telephone and you thought her line may be down so you wanted to personally check on the status of the show tonight. You will feel better knowing one way or the other. I hope this helps.

 

[pmprdprettyinsnj]

Feeling StupidDon't feel stupid. We have a right to our feelings and opinions, each one of us. If something about this is making you nervous or upset, then there is a reason. Trust your feelings....

Keep trying to contact her today. Maybe she will get back to you. Tell her in her messages that you need to get in touch to get a final count and that you would like her input as to your recipe.

As far as being a friend to this lady..... she may not be ready to talk with someone yet, some people just want to keep things to themselves. It's nothing against you. If she wants anyone to know she will call you and I am sure things will work out for you.

Worst case scenerio, you will reschedule again, best case scenerio she will call and all will be fine.

I hope things work out for you.

 

[Jules711]

Don't feel stupid. I would probably be freaking out too. It's easy to sit in my quiet house (even though I'm aware of several high drama things going on in my family...though thank God not my house) and calmly comment. I didn't think you were thinking of canceling, but I would be concerned that you haven't heard from her either. Possibly not getting messages and not realizing that today is June already (wasn't it March two days ago?). Does she live close enough for you to stop by today (before tonight)? Is she home during the day? I wouldn't want to stop by without talking to her either. Again, never feel stupid about putting something on there. We are (or at least should be) here to be supportive and a safe place to freak out. You aren't wrong to freak (human nature). I just hope there is more/less to the story so that it normalizes out.

 

[OhmyDLM]

If you are really concerned about safety, then bring a friend or your husband as your helper for the night. That doesn't have to be a big deal.

This is also really good advice for shows of all kinds. I've done this several times and it even helps me with recruiting because people see someone else who is interested enough to travel to shows with me.

 

[DebbieSAChef]

Pray for protectionIf she calls and wants to go ahead with the show, pray beforehand and be ready for an evening where the Lord might give you an open door to share your past experiences with an alcoholic dad.
I went through sexual abuse as a child and am able to really reach out to people who have gone through the same thing. I feel like God knew what he was doing, even when I was wondering where he was. Going through those experiences have made me the person I am today so I wouldn't change a thing. I know that God has used me to share my experiences with others and helped them heal through their hurts and frustrations.
Don't write this lady off. It is true you are hearing all of this from a third person, and it might not be 100% accurate. Even if it is, everyone needs a friend. Especially a friend that knows the Lord and can share truth with her. I know that an alcoholic husband might be a terribly embarrassing secret she would like to keep locked away, but eventually that type of info gets out and she will need support and love.
You can always have your cell phone handy if things get ugly, but I doubt the man will want to be around a bunch of women while he is not in his right mind. Hopefully she calls you soon. Keep us posted!
Debbie

 

[MissChef]

Unfortuanetly, no, I don't live close to her! It's a show that I will have some travel for. That was another factor in the fact that I would not just drop in tonight, if she didn't want me to.
I left her a message and just told her that I was concerned about her because I hadn't heard from her. I told her that I was confused because I wasn't sure what to do! I told her that I wouldn't come tonight if I didn't hear from her because I'm not sure what was going on and I didn't want to just assume that the show was going on without confirmation.
I told her that if it was because she had been sick 2 weeks ago and with the time it took for her to heal from strep throat and lack of motivation because she was sick that if she hadn't been able to put time into this show, that I would understand and that I would work with her to figure out when would be best. I told her that I had a Saturday available at the end of the month, if time is what she needed. I told her that I wasn't mad at her but that I was confused. I'm really not mad... upset is different from mad, upset just means confused and sad! Sad, cause I really like her and feel bad that she was sick and that she may be avoiding me because she doesn't want to have a dissapointing show. or avoiding me because of personal problems- which is none of my business, but even if she didn't tell me the truth out of respect for her own privacy, which again I'd understand, just to let me know would end the confusion (know the status about he show tonight!)
On another note I had high hopes for this show, not for huge sales or a recruit but because I really enjoy her as a person! I feel almost as sad for her as I would for a friend! And I feel like she really liked me as much, you can usually tell when a friendship is one-sided and she would call me and just talk to me for 5-10 minutes before we ever talked business! So I just feel like she felt the same way, could be wrong, but I'm usually a good judge of charater on that type of thing!
Anyway....... thanks for the advice. The ball is in her court.... I almost wish she'd reschedule for the end of June just so that it would be an easier thing for her. I love making money at this job, but I love having fun too and if my host has fun then I have fun, even if it's not a big show. I do this business for a social outlet too.... Okay. I'm done... just say a prayer for her that all is well!

 

[Pampered Laura]

Cathy, definately try your best to separate your business from your feelings about her. Meaning, try not to take it personally that she's not returning your calls. I struggle with this ALL the time, I take it REALLY personally when someone full out cancels on me rather than rescheduling, and if a consultant just flat out quits, I have to majorly focus on not taking it personally. It's a constant thing.
Regardless, it is YOUR business. Go with YOUR gut feelings about the situation. If you feel like you would be wasting your time going there tonight, then I'd leave her a short message saying "Hi Hostess, this is Cathy, trying to reach you again. Because I haven't heard from you to confirm your party, I would suggest that we reschedule if I do not hear from you by 3pm EST. Please call me to reschedule when the timing is better for you. Thank you."
Short and sweet and not full of emotion... it's a business. Just like if she didn't confirm a doctor's appointment, he'd fill that slot for another patient. You gotta do the same, so you don't stress yourself (and your family) out by not even knowing if you have a show tonight or not!

And on another note, you don't sound like a drama queen. More like a really caring person that would make a great friend. You have a huge heart & that's why you're successful at your business.

 

[MissChef]

Update:
I never got a call, so I will call sometime next week and see what she wants to do.... I'm still concerned though, but good advice Laura! Thanks!