Is my ex-husband making it impossible for me to be a good parent?

[ElizabethPurvis]

I know I'm new here, and I don't usually go telling complete strangers everything, but you all seem to be pretty nice and willing to listen to just about anything.

My ex-husband is coming to pick up our daughter today for his "spring break" visit with her. Granted, it's only 4 days that she will be gone and the last time he had her is was an enitre month, but every time she sees him or ANY member of his family, she comes home a total brat. I don't think she ever hears the word no when she's with him, and gets everything she asks for. I'm a single mom, without a FT (what my mom would call a "real") job, and the only income I have is from child support and what I get from PC (which has been nothing because I can't seem to get anyone to have a show lately). He makes me feel like I can't support her as well as he can or give her what she needs to be happy, especially when she comes home with stuff I know I can't afford to give her. Plus, he's now telling me that when I do get a job that he's taking me back to court because he thinks that he pays too much child support ($550 a month), and doesn't get to see her enough. Well, he's in the army, and lives in Washington state...I'm not going to have her miss two weeks of school just so she can come home and talk back to me. Plus, she thinks he's the best thing in the whole world. I just wish that I could tell her what a scum bag he is and what he did to me. UGGH. Oh well, I"m sorry that this is so long. Thanks for letting me ramble on and on.

Elizabeth

 

[janetupnorth]

1. You are not worthless...you love your daughter and that is more important than money.

2. Someday your daughter will see #1 no matter how much he spoils her. I grew up in a house where my parents made us work for EVERYTHING - I SOOOOO appreciate it as adult.

3. Daughters worship their dads no matter how much of a scumbag they may be. No matter how much you want to tell her "the truth", trashing him will only hurt her at this age. No matter what he's like, she's getting some emotional support from him and unless it is abusive in any way, it is healthier to allow it.

4. As for being a brat...you have to correct it when she's home and stay consistent.

...just my 2 cents worth...

I know it is going to be really hard on you so vent away...sounds like you're a good, consistent mom though so keep it up... ...will be sending up a prayer for you this week...

 

[BethCooks4U]

I could tell you stories... But I won't right now. Just know that when she is an adult she will KNOW who parented her and who tried to buy her love. When she raises her own children I would bet that she will pattern her parenting after who you are. She already knows that money doesn't buy anything important - she may not admit it but she knows. I know this from experience (I was you but with 3 boys at $150 per month in support if I got it).

Take care. Sending {{{hugs}}} and prayers your way.

 

[KellyTheChef]

It is very difficult to deal with kids who visit the other parent and aren't disiplined at all while they are there...been there, done that, continue to have to deal with that!!

That being said, just keep doing what YOU KNOW IS RIGHT!! You are already doing that (sounds like) so just know that you are putting your daughter's well being first. He is just trying to "buy" her love with things and with allowing her to do whatever when she is with him. She WILL get old enough to see through this, and at some point (not sure when, I am dealing with a 15yr. DSD and 12 yr. DSS and they still don't always see it...) but she WILL see that you behaved as the adult in this situation and that her being brought up well was your #1 goal, not to see who could be her "buddy" and let her run wild!

I am feeling your pain...it is very discouraging...but know that God will bless you for doing the right thing!

P.S. I can see by your post that you are NOT bad mouthing Dad...keep it up! That will do nothing but bring you down to his level and confuse her even more!

You are doing well! {{{{{{{{{{HUGS TO YOU}}}}}}}}}}

 

[nikked]

Even though I have never been in this situation, I know that it is rough! You've gotten some good advice/information on this loop already. Keep your chin up and know that you are doing nothing wrong!

We'll be praying for y'all...

 

[raebates]

Elizabeth, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Cry on my shoulder any day.

 

[ElizabethPurvis]

Ok, you guys made me cry...thank you so much!! It's really hard for me to keep all my dislike for him inside especially when she talks about him constantly. Most of the time I just change the subject (which is easy to do since she's 4). I am hoping that one day she can see him for what he really is, I just wish it would hurry up and come already! I am much happier now though...have a wonderful man in my life, and he pretty much claims Alyson as his own. So I guess I can't complain too much, huh? Thanks again for everything and for letting me vent. It means a lot to hear that I'm doing something right!

 

[raebates]

One day she will see things more clearly. In the end she will thank you for not trashing her daddy. You're taking the higher but much harder road.

 

[caritok]

How he treated you aside....it would be tough to discipline your child when you only see them once in a while. I can see where the spoiling would happen even in the best of circumstances. At 4, what kid isn't going to love getting whatever they want?

It's hard for a 4 year old to understand any of this, but like everyone else has said....she'll appreciate all your hard work when she's older.

As for her seeing what type of man he is when she's older...I'm not sure I would wish that on her. I'd pray that he becomes more of the type of man you would ideally want her father to be, so she can truly adore her daddy and it be well placed adoration. I always hope the men that we hear yucky things about get straightened out and become good fathers and even good husbands (should they choose to marry again). Because good or bad he is her role model. Pray he becomes a good one.

It sounds like you are doing an awesome job parenting her. I'm glad you have support from the "new man". Blessings....

 

[PamperedChefDebi]

You've already gotten wonderful advice but I do want to encourage you do NEVER badmouth him in front of her! It really is hard sometimes, BUT it is so important! My son is 9 now and he's starting to see things for himself (his dad and I separated soon after he turned 2). I have dealt with the lack of discipline issue with visitation too. Just stay consistant and make it clear that these are the rules in your (the two of you) house. It sounds bad but they do start to understand what they can get away with where.

Hang in there. It will SOOO be worth it. Saying a prayer for you too!