Never-Ending Thread: A Place for Laughs and Jokes - Join the Fun!

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

This is more fun to tell someone out loud!A chicken walks into the library, steps up to the librarian and says, "Book."

The librarian says, "You want a book?"

The chicken says, "Book."

So the librarian hands her a book. The chicken puts it under her wing and walks out. About an hour later, the chicken brings the book back and says to the librarian, "Book book!"

The librarian says, "You want two books?"

The chicken says, "Book book!"

So the librarian hands her two books. The chicken puts one under either wing and walks out. About an hour later, the chicken brings the books back and says to the librarian, "Book book book!"

The librarian says, "You want three books?"

The chicken says, "Book book book!"

So the librarian hands her three books. The chicken puts the books under her wings and walks out. The librarian is really curious about this and follows the chicken to find out what's going on. The chicken walks down the alley, along the railroad tracks, out of town, then down towards the river. In a swampy area, the chicken steps up to a bullfrog.

She shows the books to the bullfrog one at a time. The bullfrog looks at each book and says, "Reddit....reddit...reddit."

 

[chefann]

Did you get that one from The Kat Lady?

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Nah, it's too fowl for her taste but if you egg me on, I'll tell her.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

We interrupt this thread for a test of the vBulletin Tagging SystemThis is a test. This is only a test. If this were a real message, it would have something meaningful in it.Lists

• Is it possible to have a bulleted list here?
• Yes, it is

1. Is it possible to have a numbered list here?
2. Yes, it is.
3. Just like this one.

• Is it possible to have a list in a list?
• I have no idea, let's see:
  • 
    Sub-list
  • I doubt it.
  • You can in some places.
  • Why, YES, you can!
    1. A list in a list in a list?
    2. How 'bout that?
  • That's really good to know!
• Thanks for putting up with this.

Look here - We can do a Harvard outline!

• Main topic
  • Sub-topic 1
    1. Sub-topic 2
    2. Does anyone care?
       • Probably not
       • This is kinda geeky
    3. I don't even know if this is useful
    4. At least, around here
  • One could go crazy trying to keep track of the lists
  • Some would say it's too late anyway
• Well, how 'bout that?

One last thing.

Spoiler: Are spoiler tags enabled?

No.

This has been a test of the vBulletin tagging system. If this were an actual post of value, it would have a real joke in it. Instead, this post is a joke.We now return you to your regularly scheduled thread, already in progress.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Speaking of fowl gags and eggs...A guy was on vacation and he went to a car museum. He noticed there was a cafe attached to it. It was still morning and he was hungry, so he went in and asked if he could order breakfast?"Why, yes," the waiter said. "Whatever you would like!""I'll have Eggs Benedict!" he said. The waiter nodded and went to the kitchen.A little while later, he returned and served the guy Eggs Benedict on a shiny hub cap. "Why the wheel cover for a plate?" he asked."Well," the waiter said, "Everyone knows there no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!

 

[raebates]

That was physically painful.

 

[climbercanoe3]

Montana State TrooperIn most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop to single digits or below.

About 3 a.m. , one very cold morning, Montana State Trooper Allan Nixon #658 responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Great Falls, Montana. He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver''s door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.

The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into ''drive'' and hit the gas. The car''s speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.

Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car.
The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled, "Pull over!"

The man nodded, turned his wheel, and stopped the engine.

Needless to say, the man from North Dakota was arrested, and is probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Montana who could run 50 miles per hour.

Who says troopers don't have a sense of humor?

Editor's Note — No doubt, this tale is an urban myth, but it's good for a chuckle.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Keri-Lyn, your story is a retold variation of an event that did, in fact, happen on US 51 in Marathon County, Wisconsin probably 20-25 years ago. If I could find a link, I'd get it for you. This story is vivid in my memory, mainly because it also made Paul Harvey News, which was where I heard it reported. The AP version appeared in the Milwaukee Journal a couple days later. Some of your version is fiction but it is pretty much the way the trooper reported it. I remember the details of this story because it was so funny and I retold it numerous times over the years.The trooper was cruising on US 51 (now I-39) in Marathon County when he spotted the van by the side of the road, lights on and engine running. He pulled up behind the van and took his flashlight. The driver was sound asleep, his head resting on the wheel. The trooper rapped on the window with his flashlight, but the man was dead to the world and did not respond. The vehicle was in Park. The Trooper shined his light inside and saw nothing unusual, but he did want to make sure the man was sleeping and not in need of help. (A polite way of saying, dead.) He walked to the back of the van and tried the back doors, which were locked. He shined the light inside, only to see a man sprawled out on the floor, also sound asleep. The Trooper continued circling the van, trying the cargo door and passenger door but they were also locked.He went back to the driver side, put his hand on the rain gutter and began to rock the van. As he really got it to swaying, the steering wheel began to shift back and forth, and the sleeping man began to slide off the side of the wheel.Suddenly, he woke up. He sat bolt upright, took hold of the wheel with both hands and began to steer. At this point, the poor Trooper is giggling. He rapped on the window the flashlight and the man's head slowly turned to look at him. His eyes got as big as saucers, the Trooper reported, and he looked straight ahead and continued to "drive." Now it's all the Trooper can do to keep from falling over with laughter.He rapped on the window again, and when the man looked, he made a circling motion with his hand to indicate, "Roll down the window." Looking forward again, and steering with one hand, the man slowly rolled down the window."How fast are you going?" the Trooper asked.The man looked down at the speedometer and looked back at the Trooper and said, very indignantly, "Fifty-five!" (That was the speed limit back then.)Still stifling his laughter, the Trooper said, "Don't you think you better pull over?""Okay," he said, and made motions on the wheel as if he was carefully pulling over on the side of the road."Sir, have you been drinking?"Of course, the guy denied it and that was before the days of mandatory breathlizer and all the commotion they go through today. "Are you alone?"
The man nodded in the affirmative. "Then who is that?" the Trooper asked, shining his light on the sleeping body in the back of the van."O h m y G O D!" the man said slowly. "I have no idea who that is!"The Trooper said he had no evidence of any wrongdoing, didn't smell alcohol and even if the guy was drunk, he had the presence of mind to pull over and sleep it off. Since the van was not moving at the time he spotted it, there was nothing warranting an arrest."I told him to shut off the engine and nap until he was alert enough to drive, and left him there. After my shift ended, I drove past the location on my way home. The van was gone and there were no accident reports, so I guess he was okay," the Trooper said [paraphrased, of course] to reporters. If I can find a link to it or verify the story, I'll get it for you. Trust me, it happened, but in Marathon County, Wisconsin.

 

[climbercanoe3]

Wow that is funny. Sorry to give credit to Montana. I love Paul Harvey's bit on the radio "The Rest of the Story". I have heard some pretty good stories on there. I guess there is a book with a bunch of the stories too. I have not read it, but have heard there is one or maybe more. Thanks for your recollection of the story.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I've contacted the Wausau Daily Herald to see if we can resurrect this story from the morgue.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

The Western WallA female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.

She went to the Western Wall and there he was walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane in a very slow fashion, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN, What's your name?

"Maury Fishbein" he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the Wars and hatred to stop, I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a frickin' wall."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A Modern Love StoryA man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...

He in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight, let 's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f^(%ing blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

 

[katie0128]

<<giggle>> Sounds (and probably smells) just like my house! DH was gone last night, so I got the best sleep I've had in a LOOOOOONG time!

 

[baychef]

DH got this list from a friend. I'm sure some of them are fake, but they're still funny.

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
(Imagine that!)

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
(No, really?)

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
(Now that's taking things a bit far!)

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
(Not if I wipe thoroughly!)

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
(What a guy!)

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
(No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!)

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
(See if that works any better than a fair trial!)

War Dims Hope for Peace
(I can see where it might have that effect!)

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
(You think?)

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
(Who would have thought!)

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
(They may be on to something!)

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
(You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?)

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
(he probably IS the battery charge!)

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
(Weren't they fat enough?!)

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
(That's what he gets for eating those beans!)

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
(Taste like chicken?)

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
(Chainsaw Massacre all over again!)

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
(Boy, are they tall!)

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity
and send this to someone to whom you want to bring a smile (Maybe even a chuckle).

This reminds me of a headline that I saved on my computer a few years ago..."New rings found around Uranus"

 

[baychef]

That should do it!A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the
next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard
barking for hours and hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of
this". She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says
"The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see
how THEY like it!

 

[baychef]

The Walmart CatA blonde was weed-eating her yard and
accidentally cut off the tail of her cat
Which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over
To WAL-MART!
Why WAL-MART
HELLOOOOOOOOO!


WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Yup, no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.Sounds like it's opun season on the Joke thread.

 

[chefann]

The "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth & he takes his life in his own hands!This is a handy guide that should be as common as a drivers license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker, or "significant other".DANGEROUS:

What's for dinner?​

SAFER:

Can I help you with dinner?​

SAFEST:

Where would you like to go for dinner?​

ULTRA SAFE:

Here, have some more wine.​

DANGEROUS:

Are you wearing that?​

SAFER:

WOW, you sure look good in brown!​

SAFEST:

WOW! Look at you!​

ULTRA SAFE:

Here, have some more wine.​

DANGEROUS:

What are you so worked up about?​

SAFER:

Could we be overreactting?​

SAFEST:

Here's my paycheck.​

ULTRA SAFE:

Here, have some more wine.​

DANGEROUS:

Should you be eating that?​

SAFER:

You know, there are a lot of apples left.​

SAFEST:

Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?​

ULTRA SAFE:

Here, have some more wine.​

DANGEROUS:

What did you do all day?​

SAFER:

I hope you didn't over-do it today.​

SAFEST:

I've always loved you in that outfit!​

ULTRA SAFE:

Here, have some more wine.​

 

[elizabethfox]

Ok I could take the time to read through all of these to see if this joke was already posted, but since I don't have all the time in the world to do soD), I am just going ahead and posting....

The Irishman and the Mormon

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from Green Bay. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink?

He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”

 

[baychef]

:thumbup: :thumbup: Good one Elizabeth!!!!:thumbup: :thumbup:

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A guy walks into a diner and sits at the counter. A beautiful young waitress comes to take his order. He looks at the menu then looks over the top of it and says, "I'd like a quickie."She hauls off and slaps him. "Just give me your order!" she demands.He says, "I'd really like a quickie!"She clobbers him again and says, "Look, Mister, for the last time, just give me your order!"He is almost crying as he says, "I'd really just like a quickie."She's hauling back to clobber him again when the guy sitting next to him leans over and says, "I think that's pronounced quiche."

 

[climbercanoe3]

The Naked Cowboy

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the
street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the
walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and
his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the
world are you dressed like this?'

The Cowboy says:

'Well it's like this Sheriff . I was in the
bar down the road and this pretty little red head
asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I
did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and
asks me to pull off my shirt. So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to
pull off my pants. So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to
pull off my shorts. So I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind
of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy ...'

and here I am.'

Son of a Gun, Blond Men do exist

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

And he's still singing in Times Square!http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/e/e0/TheNakedCowboy.jpg/200px-TheNakedCowboy.jpg

 

[climbercanoe3]

I should have seen that coming!!


Now did you already know of that picture and this joke triggered your memory? Or did you google it?

I'm not sure I really want to understand how your mind works, but I am a little curious.

 

[baychef]

I'm not sure I really want to understand how your mind works, but I am a little curious.

Lord help me...I know exactly how his mind works!!! Similar to mine!!
And by the way, KG, you don't happen to have a picture of him like this one only with his guitar out of view? Do ya? Huh?

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Just do a google search. He's every where - and you're gonna be disappointed when you do.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I'm not sure I really want to understand how your mind works, but I am a little curious.

It doesn't work - it's currently unemployed.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Two bees met in town and were discussing business. The first one says, "It's been too dry. No rain, no flowers. No flowers, no pollen. I don't know what to do."The second one says, "Well, here's something for you. Fly down Main two blocks and take a left at Elm. About three houses up, look for all the cars. There's a bar mitzvah going on there, lots of flowers and fruit."The first one says, "Thanks!" and buzzes off. About an hour later, they meet in the same spot. The second one says, "How was it?"The first one says, "Hey, it was great! Just like you said.""Great!" the second bee says. "Say, what's that thing on your head?""It's my yarmulke," the first one says. "I didn't want them to think I was a WASP."

 

[climbercanoe3]

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,
"What a Great Chest you have!" He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive Calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby."He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the
apartment screaming in fear.The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.
He catches up to her and asks why she ran
out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, : I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I
saw how short the fuse was!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Ohhhhhhh-kkaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy...A guy got sent up the river to prison. On his first day, he was trying hard to figure out what was going on and trying to fit in. At lunch, he found out the warden had strict rules about no talking. The only sound in the mess hall was plastic dinnerware on plastic plates, when someone yelled out, "23!" There was some raucus laughter and then it got quiet again.A few minutes later, someone on the other end of the mess hall yelled, "47!" and there was more laughter.The new guy couldn't stand it, so he took a chance and whispered to the guy next to him, "What's with the numbers?"The second guy whispered back, "We've all been here so long, we only hear the same old jokes over and over. To save time, we just numbered all the old ones."Just then, an inmate yells, "82!" but no one laughed."What happened that time?" the new guy asked.The second guy whispered, "Some people just don't know how to tell a joke."

 

[baychef]

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

The old man in the nursing home was celebrating his 90th birthday, and the family decided to throw him a big party. They even brought in a giant birthday cake and a beautiful girl came out of the cake. She danced in front of the old man and said in a seductive voice, "I can give you some super sex."He thought for a moment and said, "I think I'll take the soup."

 

[climbercanoe3]

Office humorThe boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down
and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, "This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door? "The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his "garage door." He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, "When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there? " She smiled and said, "No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires."

 

[chefann]

Warning: Adult content

A husband is at home watching a football game, when his wife interrupts.

"Honey,could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have the G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!!"

"Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you, I'm going to the bar!!!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours, and he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed, as he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working, as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, How'd all this get fixed?"

She said,"Well when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake him a cake."

He said. "So, what kind of a cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "HELLOOOOOO----DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER written on my forehead?"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

If you're a mom...If you're a mom, know a mom, or ever had a mom, you need to see this video on YouTube.

Anita Renfroe: The Mom Overture.

 

[raebates]

One more sweet, thoughtful, but clueless man comes to a violent end at the hands of a woman in a blind rage.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Q: What did the X chromosome say to the Y chromosome?A: "Do these genes make my butt look fat?"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

"I'm lonely," Adam said to God from the Garden of Eden. "I'd like to have someone around for company.""Okay," God said. "I'll make you a perfect companion, and I'll call her 'Woman.' She'll be beautiful, charming, she'll cook and clean for you and she'll never say a cross word." "Wow!" Adam said, "That sounds great, but what's she gonna cost?""An arm and a leg," God answered."Hmmmm," Adam said, "What can I get for a rib?"

 

[chefann]

My sister sent me an email with a whole bunch of jokes. Some of them have been posted already, but I'm feeling too lazy to edit the list and take them out. With apologies to the men in the group, here they are:

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.


MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Joe and his wife Ann listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she."

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)


WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men."

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"



God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

 

[climbercanoe3]

Adult showersHOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry
hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see
husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make
mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa
cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Rinse off.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave
them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making
the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging
out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I just don't understand why women love cats so much.Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come when you call and they stay out all night. When they do come home in the morning, they expect to be welcomed with open arms, fed, stroked and then left alone to sleep.Everything women say they hate in men, they love in cats. Go figure.

 

[ChefTess]

Okay, so this is more of a story that an actual joke, but it is funny just the same...I got this in my Email awhile back and almost wet myself trying to finish reading it...enjoy

"WAX is Not your Friend"

This is funny! CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud...I laughed
till I almost cried as I could just see this happening!

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of
easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully
in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing
kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my
demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax,
you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you
peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you
pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm
not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius
kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the
skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best
feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer
eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker
of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side
of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and
stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long
strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision
returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIP! P!! Everything is
swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do
I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has
caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to
revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the
strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am
touching wax.
CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which
is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped
up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot
down.
DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*? Sealed
shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do
and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My
head may pop off!"
What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently
wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom
of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt
cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-
epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a
phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation
starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of
the tub!"


There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to
know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-
ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the
rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax
off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie
goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot
water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and
I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling
for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
friend.

It's sooo painful, I but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!"
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I
could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

There is no joke in this window.

Move along, People, nothing to see here.

 

[climbercanoe3]

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here she come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and his wife watches him drink it up, then she says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet ??'

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Called for support lately?

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

If I had known I was making the 1,000th post in this thread, I would have come up with somthing a little more appropriate. Of course, if you've ever waited on Terminal Hold for a support rep, that ^ ^ ^ ^ is pretty appropriate.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Happy Anniversary!This joke thread started one year ago today, and in honor of this esteemed occasion, I've saved this one just for today.

Out in the Pacific Ocean, two clams named Sam and Sue, had a popular restaurant with a live disco every Saturday night. The disco was known for it's great musicians, the Shrimp Quartet. Bob played the guitar, Chuck played the drums, Sally sang and Harry played the harp.

One day while crossing the street. Harry was run down by an urchin driving a run away sea horse.

Everyone at Sam's disco was devastated. The disco just wouldn't be the same without old Harry playing his harp.

Even Harry, in heaven, was saddened. He asked, no, he begged St. Peter to let him go back to the disco for one last, hoppin' Saturday night. St. Peter, a lover of good music, agreed to let Harry go back for one last night with the quartet. Harry had a great time catching up with his old friends and the music was, well, it was heavenly.

In the morning, when Harry came crawling back through the pearly gates, completely exhausted, St. Peter was there to meet him. "Harry," he said, "Where is your harp."

Harry was embarrassed and said, "I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco."

 

[baychef]

GROAN!!!!!!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Well, then, you're lucky I didn't tell you about the frog who wanted so badly to get out of the construction business, but all he could do was rivet...rivet...rivet.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Courtesy of chefsteph07Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (Marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by Maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in roosterpit.
S: Something tightened in roosterpit P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in roosterpit.
S: Cat installed. And the best one for last.................. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Four people were riding in the compartment of a train in Europe. On one side was a woman with her beautiful, nineteen year old daughter. On the other side was an army general and a PFC who was traveling with him as an aide.The train went into a tunnel, and the compartment was momentarily darkened. There was the sound of a kiss, followed by a slap, then silence. When the car exited the tunnel, all four people were sitting as if nothing had happened.The mother thought, "That young soldier tried to steal a kiss from my daughter and she rightfully slapped him!"The daughter thought, "That young soldier tried to steal a kiss from me and accidentally kissed my mother, so she rightfully slapped him!"The general thought, "That damned private tried to steal a kiss from that beautiful girl and she slapped me by mistake!"The private thought, "Cool! I got to kiss the back of my hand and belt the general!"