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Pampered Chef: The Night before Christmas in Legalese

  1. raebates

    raebates Legend Member Staff Member

    18,427
    437
    THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS in Legalese
    (Author unknown)

    Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

    A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

    Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as ("I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.

    Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

    At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

    Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co- conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

    The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

    Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

    Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)

    Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

    However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect. THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS in Legalese
    (Author unknown)

    Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

    A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

    Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as ("I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.

    Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

    At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

    Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co- conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

    The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

    Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

    Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)

    Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

    However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.
     
    Dec 12, 2009
    #1
  2. The_Kitchen_Guy

    The_Kitchen_Guy Legend Member Silver Member

    12,533
    79
    Thank you.

    In response, please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all;

    PLUS

    a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only “AMERICA” in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual orientation of the wisher.

    (Disclaimer: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher who assumes no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.)
     
  3. The_Kitchen_Guy

    The_Kitchen_Guy Legend Member Silver Member

    12,533
    79
    If you are of Polish descent or just like the unusual...

    Back in the 1940s and 1950s, there was a disc jockey in Milwaukee that went by the on-air name of Mad Man Michaels. At that time, the ethnic makeup of Milwaukee was very German, Italian and Polish. Michaels was of Polish descent and often did comedy bits on the air using fractured English with lots of Polish tossed in. He was also known as The Czarnina Kid and did a radio bit called The Czarnina Kid that was a parody of Dragnet.

    He recorded a version of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas that was mostly Polish, using the Polish name for Santa Claus, Gwiazdor. I haven't heard it in years, and today, I found it posted on the Internet!

    You can hear it here: Gwiazdor by Mad Man Michaels.

    The flip side of his record was a novelty Christmas novelty song entitled Snack for Santa. The song is also laced with Polish words and references to Polish culture.
     
  4. Jules711

    Jules711 Veteran Member Silver Member

    1,942
    3
    Thanks for that. I don't forward things very often (maybe 1-2 things a year) but that just might be worth it :).
     
    Dec 12, 2009
    #4
  5. raebates

    raebates Legend Member Staff Member

    18,427
    437
    It was in a joke email I get regularly. It made me smile, so I decided to share. I was fairly certain that at the very least KG would find it amusing.
     
    Dec 12, 2009
    #5
  6. The_Kitchen_Guy

    The_Kitchen_Guy Legend Member Silver Member

    12,533
    79
    Oh, I certainly did! In fact, it has already been sent out several times but only one copy. ;)
     
  7. raebates

    raebates Legend Member Staff Member

    18,427
    437
    It seemed appropriate to share this one here:


    FROLIC Memo

    To: All Employees

    From: Management

    Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

    Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

    1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

    2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden. (It runs up an incredible long distance bill.)

    3. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

    4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.

    5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

    6. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."

    In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
     
    Dec 14, 2009
    #7
  8. The_Kitchen_Guy

    The_Kitchen_Guy Legend Member Silver Member

    12,533
    79
    WARNING! Adult Humor

    MODERN DAY PLANNING OF A CHRISTMAS PARTY.......

    Memo

    ________________________________

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: October 1, 2008
    RE: Gala Christmas Party

    I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
    December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
    There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band
    playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along.

    And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A
    Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees
    can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make
    the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for
    employees!

    Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas
    to you and your family,

    Patty


    Memo

    ________________________________

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: October 2, 2008
    RE: Gala Holiday Party

    In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

    We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides
    with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on,
    we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other
    employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation
    Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.
    We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

    Happy now?

    Happy Holidays to you and your family,

    Patty


    Memo

    ________________________________

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: October 3, 2008
    RE: Holiday Party

    Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
    requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
    accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
    Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle
    this?

    Somebody?

    And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since
    the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives
    believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

    REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.



    Memo

    ________________________________

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    To: All Employees
    DATE: October 4, 2008
    RE: Generic Holiday Party

    What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the
    Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
    daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
    luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
    beliefs.. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the
    end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little
    foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

    Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
    from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to
    the restrooms.

    Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
    Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower
    arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to
    cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed,
    apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

    We will have booster seats for short people.

    Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

    I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the
    food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a
    bite first.

    There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the
    restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

    Did I miss anything?!?!?

    Patty


    Memo

    ________________________________

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All F*%^ing Employees
    DATE: October 5, 2008
    RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

    I've had it with you vegetarian p*#@&!!!

    We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not,
    so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you
    so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic
    tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when
    you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

    The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *s$. I hope you all have a
    rotten holiday!

    Drive drunk and die,
    The B*tch from H*ll!!!


    Memo

    ________________________________

    FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
    DATE: October 6, 2008
    RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

    I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll
    continue to forward your cards to her.

    In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
    give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

    Happy Holidays!

    Joan
     
  9. raebates

    raebates Legend Member Staff Member

    18,427
    437
    Now THAT'S funny!
     
    Dec 14, 2009
    #9
  10. cathyskitchen

    cathyskitchen Senior Member Gold Member

    2,757
    2
    Thanks - I needed these today!
     
  11. Pampered_Ashley84

    Pampered_Ashley84 Member Gold Member

    57
    0
    Those are all great!
     
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