Never-Ending Thread: A Place for Laughs and Jokes - Join the Fun!

[baychef]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii , so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A guy had to take time off work to go to court on a minor traffic infraction. He waited, and waited, and waited for his case to be called. The courtroom was starting to empty out and his case still hadn't been called. He was getting impatient and fidgeting when court was adjourned for the day and he would have to come back tomorrow.

"WHAT!?!" he yelled in frustration. "I took off work and I've been waiting here all day! Why do I have to come back tomorrow?"

The judge, who had an equally frustrating day, at the sharp query yelled, "To pay twenty dollars for contempt of court!"

The man started to dig into his wallet.

"That's alright," the judge said. "You don't have to pay the fine now."

The guy, still steaming, said, "Pay? I'm checking to see if I have enough money for two more words!"

 

[raebates]

God is talking to one of his angels. He says, "I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth."The angel says, "What are you going to do now?"Replies God, "Call it a day.j"------------------------Income tax-time is when you test your powers of deduction.------------------------Once, long ago, a king summoned his provincial rulers. He was feeling belligerent, and wanted to scare them into paying extra taxes. The rulers conferred on the way, and decided that they should pay the extra. But they decided to first pretend to refuse, so they could bargain the king down.They arrived at the king's castle, and gathered in the audience chamber. The king made his demands, and as agreed, they started to refuse. Unfortunately, the king got angry, and ordered his guards to kill them on the spot. Half were slain before they even realized what was happening. The others had to do some quick groveling to survive. After everything had settled down, the survivors explained their plan. The king was filled with remorse.The moral: Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken

 

[baychef]

Italian Boy's ConfessionBless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

"Yes, Father, it is."

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.



Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'



"4 months vacation and five good leads."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

On the importance of walkingWalking is good for you!

• Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
• My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
• The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
• I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
• I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
• I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
• The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
• If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

My sister took up aerobics and went to a class. She bent, twisted, gyrated and jumped up and down for an hour but by the time she got her leotard on, the class was over.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Retirement Planning For 2008If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $36.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer and turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, You would have $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Want AdsWant ads taken from real papers...


FREE PUPPIES! Mother purebred AKC German Shepard. Father superdog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND Little white dog. Dirty. Looks like a rat. Bites. Better be a reward.

FOR SALE: Nordic Track Hardly used. Call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES California grown.

FOR SALE: Wedding Dress Worn once - by mistake.

FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes, excellent shape. Best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Newspaper "Huh?" Reports"Both men were examined by veterinarians and immediately shot by Humane Society officers."
--Newport, VT. Express

CORRECTION: "Unfortunately, the illustrations of edible and poisonous types of mushrooms were reversed on page 14 of our Sunday edition."
--Chicago Tribune

"The women on the local team were doing fine until the last half of the fifth when all the bags got loaded."
--Muskogee, OK Times-Democrat

"Rev. Brown announced that after the program they would have a pot-luck supper. All women giving milk are asked to come early."
--An Unnamed Montgomery, AL Church Bulletin

 

[raebates]

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.



This is actually what I do. I exercise 5 days a week. However, if I don't do it first thing in the morning, I find a thousand ways to talk myself out of it.

 

[baychef]

I was wondering...

IS IT SPRING...YET?

 

[Kitchen Diva]

http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w169/baychef_album/snidley.gif
Remember Snidley and his raspy snicker?!?!?! That is my response to KG's last joke!!!

what was the picture of???

 

[climbercanoe3]

Baseball Humor

[/IMG]

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Daily Motivational Poster

 

[baychef]

what was the picture of???

You would have had to be a kid watching cartoons in the late 60's early 70's. Snidely is a cartoon character dog. When he snickers, his shoulders go up and down and he has a wheezy little chuckle. Not sure why this didn't show up.

 

[chefann]

It was probably removed from your account by Photobucket because its copyrighted material.

 

[baychef]

It was probably removed from your account by Photobucket because its copyrighted material.

Probably...I love being on the wrong side of the law!!

 

[chefann]

You, you.... rebel!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Careful, Ann, this week, New York isn't exactly the place to be on the wrong side of the law.

 

[baychef]

Careful, Ann, this week, New York isn't exactly the place to be on the wrong side of the law.

But I wasn't being a rebel crossing state lines!!! Did you see who Client #6 might be? The richest man in England...he's a fat, greasy, sweaty looking man. The hooker said he was boring...he talked about war and going into Iraq, etc...you know that stuff you have to think about!!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

BTW, I just heard a Paul Shanklin version of the Spitzer story, Love Client Number Nine sung to the tune of Love Potion Number Nine. It's so new that it isn't even on his website yet!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Wasn't Patrick McGoohan #6?

 

[baychef]

BTW, I just heard a Paul Shanklin version of the Spitzer story, Love Client Number Nine sung to the tune of Love Potion Number Nine. It's so new that it isn't even on his website yet!

I saw that last night on tv. As much as I am PO'd at the entire situation, I do love the jokes.

 

[baychef]

Wasn't Patrick McGoohan #6?

Here is the link...they also have a picture posted now of who they think is "Kristen" Hope someone is impressed.
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/us_world/2008/03/12/2008-03-12_richest_man_in_england_also_a_regular_of.html

 

[chefann]

I think that joke went right over your head, Ann. Patrick McGoohan was an actor in a show called The Prisoner in which characters had numbers instead of names.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/f/f9/Prisoner_sm.jpg/200px-Prisoner_sm.jpg[over the opening of each episode - Number 2 played by various actors]
Number 6: Where am I?
Number 2: In the Village.
Number 6: What do you want?
Number 2: We want information.
Number 6: Whose side are you on?
Number 2: That would be telling. We want information... information... information.
Number 6: You won't get it.
Number 2: By hook or by crook, we will.
Number 6: Who are you?
Number 2: The new Number 2.
Number 6: Who is Number 1?
Number 2: You are Number 6.
Number 6: I am not a number, I am a free man.

 

[raebates]

You would have had to be a kid watching cartoons in the late 60's early 70's. Snidely is a cartoon character dog. When he snickers, his shoulders go up and down and he has a wheezy little chuckle. Not sure why this didn't show up.

Not to be really picky :angel: , but Snidely Whiplash was the skinny guy with the handlebar mustache. His dog was Mugsly. I know this for 2 reasons:

1. I loved those cartoons as a kid. I'd watch them as an adult, if I could.

2. The Furry Guy laughs like Mugsly. His first level of laughter is just shaking shoulders. The second is when he sounds like Mugsly. The final, and most sought-after by myself, is when he actually makes sound.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I want soooooo badly to post this over in another thread, but I don't think it would be a good idea - so here it is:The devil decided to come to surface and create a recreational havoc. He would find a nice church and in the middle of the service, he would crash the doors open wide and make a big show of entering. The parishioners would all be terrified, as he stomped up the aisle, waving his pitchfork. With smoke pouring from his ears and fire shooting from his mouth, he would stomp up the center aisle, screaming. By the time he got to the front of the church, the church would empty out as parishioners ran out, screaming.One Sunday, in one church, he repeated his performance except that one little old man remained in the front pew. He sat calmly with his legs crossed, his toe tapping the air. He had his arms crossed and he just smiled.The devil stomped up the aisle, waving his pitchfork. He shot fire from his mouth and screamed, "I am the king of Hell, Beelzebub, I am evil incarnate. DO YOU NOT FEAR ME?""Why should I?" the little old man asked. "I've been married to your sister for 68 years."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I never knew what happiness was until I got married.

















But then, it was too late.

 

[katie0128]

Nice show of restraint... surprising, but nice!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Yeah, some mornings, it just doesn't pay to chew through the straps.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

What is the longest sentence in the English language?"I do."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

"Marriage is an institution.""Love is blind."Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

 

[chefann]

Marriage is an institution. That's why one must be committed to it.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

It's an institution with a life sentence.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A wife wakes up about 12:30 AM to find her husband, sitting on the edge of the bed, crying."What's wrong?" she asked."Remember when we were sixteen, and your father caught us in your bedroom?""Yes," she said, "What about it?""Remember that he said if we didn't get married, he'd send me to jail for thirty years?""Yes.""Well," the husband said, "Today is the day I'd be a free man!"

 

[Stephaniecafe]

knock knock...

peac-up


peac-up-ooo


got a lot of really stuffy people to see piece of pooo

 

[baychef]

Not to be really picky :angel: , but Snidely Whiplash was the skinny guy with the handlebar mustache. His dog was Mugsly. I know this for 2 reasons:

1. I loved those cartoons as a kid. I'd watch them as an adult, if I could.

2. The Furry Guy laughs like Mugsly. His first level of laughter is just shaking shoulders. The second is when he sounds like Mugsly. The final, and most sought-after by myself, is when he actually makes sound.

YES!!! You are so right!!! Mugsly...I love the name!!! Snidely Whiplash was not a nice person as I recall, correct? Mugsly's snicker would make anyone laugh!!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Him: Honey, if I died, would you get married again?Her: Probably.Him: Would you let him move into our house?Her: Well, yes, I suppose so.Him: Would you let him sleep in our bed?Her: Well, sure, I suppose so.Him: Would you let him use my golf clubs?Her: Well, no, certainly not.Him: Well, why not?Her: Because he's left handed.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A young lady comes home from her date, and she's in tears. "What's wrong?" her mother asked.

"Jeff proposed to me about an hour ago!" the daughter says.

Well, what's wrong with that?" Mom asks.

"Oh, Mom!" she says, "Jeff is an atheist. He doesn't even believe there's a Hell!"

"Oh, marry him anyway," Mom says with a consoling voice. "Between the two of us, we'll teach him how wrong he is!"

 

[baychef]

With so much snow, even the snowmen are sick of winter-they are not even waiting to melt.
http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w169/baychef_album/snowman.jpg

 

[baychef]

This is the peep show Eliot Spitzer should have been attending!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Silda Wall: Eliot, look at Mr. & Mrs. Wyatt next door. Every time he comes home, he embraces her and kisses her. Why don't you ever do that?Eliot: Well, if I knew her a little better, I would!

 

[baychef]

Silda Wall: Eliot, look at Mr. & Mrs. Wyatt next door. Every time he comes home, he embraces her and kisses her. Why don't you ever do that?

Eliot: Well, if I knew her a little better, I would!

Hell for $4300 he'll transport, feed her and bed her too! Just one of the many services taxpayers in NY State provide!!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Gee, and all we got was this lousy increase in taxes and not even a T-shirt.

 

[raebates]

YES!!! You are so right!!! Mugsly...I love the name!!! Snidely Whiplash was not a nice person as I recall, correct? Mugsly's snicker would make anyone laugh!!

Yeah, Snidely was a bad guy. Fortunately, as is so often true in cartoon world, he was very unlucky and not very bright.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Art imitates life."I've been throwing these goofs up against the wall for 23 years, and I have yet to find a Mensa card."

--Detective J.J. Bittenbinder, Chicago Police Department (Retired)​

 

[ChefBeckyD]

Art imitates life.

"I've been throwing these goofs up against the wall for 23 years, and I have yet to find a Mensa card."

--Detective J.J. Bittenbinder, Chicago Police Department (Retired)​

Now THAT was funny!

 

[raebates]

Good point, KG.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

This is NOT my storyEven though The Kat Lady came home with two kittens some time ago, this did not happen to us. Heck, we don't even have a garbage disposal.WARNING! Adult Content. Do Not Read if you are easily offended, but feel free to follow along if you happen to like to laugh!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. 'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.' 'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!' 'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?' There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.' So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter...and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. 'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?' If they only knew!

 

[raebates]

To echo The Kitchen Guy's disclaimer, this is not my story.


One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: 'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'



I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!