Never-Ending Thread: A Place for Laughs and Jokes - Join the Fun!

[elizabethfox]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life
between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night' She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?' John said,
'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leerin gly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Sure an' 'tis a nice t'ing to be blessin' the Irish on Saint Paddy's day.

 

[ChefBeckyD]

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.Here are the winners:1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the
fruit you're eating.The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.And the winners are:1. coffee , n. the person upon whom one coughs.
2. flabbergasted , adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. abdicate , v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade , v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. willy-nilly , adj. impotent.
6. negligent , adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. lymph , v. to walk with a lisp.
8. gargoyle , n. olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. flatulence , n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. balderdash , n. a rapidly receding hairline..
11. testicle , n. a humorous question on an exam.
12. rectitude , n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. pokemon , n.. a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. oyster , n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishism's.
15. Frisbeetarianism , n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. circumvent , n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Pass this along to your husband!Who's your best friend?

If you want to know, just try this experiment: Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

 

[raebates]

INFAMOUS WAL-MART MURDER!Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, & then arranging to have her killed.A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ... “ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT WAL -MART!”

 

[climbercanoe3]

Adult Irish HumorJohn O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him comeAn Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor. "Not a chance", she said." He won't even take an aspirin." "Not a problem, "replied the doctor. Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!" "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare! "
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex he provided wasn't good?”

"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A group of Cheffers was touring Ireland. One of the members of the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.""We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone.""Well now," the guide said, "It is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune.""And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed."No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "But I've sat on it."

 

[chefann]

What's Irish and lives outside all year?Paddy O'Furniture

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Gardening made easy!An old man living alone in South Armagh, whose only son was in Long Kesh Prison, didn't have anyone to dig his garden for his potatoes. So he wrote to his son about his predicament.

The son sent the reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig the garden up, that's where I buried the guns!!!!!"

At 3 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers turned up and dug the garden for 3 hours, but didn't find any guns.

Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what had happened, asking him what he should do now?

The son sent the reply: "NOW plant the potatoes!"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Walking into the pub, Patick said to the bartender,"Pour me a stiff one, Sean. I just had another tiff with the little woman.""Oh yeah," said Sean. "And how did this one end?""Well I'll tell ya now when it was over," Patick replied, "Herself came to me on her hands and knees, she did.""You don't say? Now that`s a switch! What did she say?" "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!'"

 

[elizabethfox]

What's Irish and lives outside all year?







Paddy O'Furniture

Omg ann, I about choked on my sandwich! That is too funny!!

 

[climbercanoe3]

Q: What do you get when you cross a pillowcase with a stone?A: A sham rockQ: How did the Irish Jig get started?A: Too much to water to drink and not enough restrooms!Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?A: He's Dublin over with laughter!Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?A: Because real rocks are too heavy.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Kathleen had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said Finnegan.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Maty Beth was talking to Father Horrigan as he was trying to console her. It seems that her husband, Michael, had died very suddenly."Did he say anything before he died?" the Inspector asked.

"That he did, Father," she said."Well, my Dear, what did he say?""He said, 'For God's sake, Mary Beth, put down that gun!'"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Colleen Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obiturary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word. He also said he had known Michael and remembered him fondly. Wasn't it too bad about him passing away?She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she thought about it and wrote a simple obituary, "Michael died." The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more, so he'd give her three more words at no charge. Colleen thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Michael died. Boat for sale."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left. He then went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket. He put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know, Sir" he replied "But that's the last time I try budgie jumping."

 

[katie0128]

Omg ann, I about choked on my sandwich! That is too funny!!

Yeah... it's not advisable to read while eating or drinking. You just may ruin an expensive piece of equipment or choke... neither is a good idea.

 

[baychef]

Taliban Matrimonial SiteTaliban singles website...http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w169/baychef_album/talibanwebsite.gif

 

[chefann]

Nerd alert! That particular graphic is pretty old. How can I tell? The window is from Mac OS9, which hasn't been updated since 2001.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Well, when you live in a cave, it's tough for UPS to find you to deliver the new OpSys on CD-ROM.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Wow - we've reached over 10,000 views for this foolishness - this could be published as the official C S Jokebook.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Nerd alert! That particular graphic is pretty old. How can I tell? The window is from Mac OS9, which hasn't been updated since 2001.

Come to think of it, it looks even older than that.

 

[chefann]

Ooh- System 7 (or earlier)! That's what I had on my first Mac, and was the big selling point on the machines I used in college in the music lab.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Remember the Banana Jr. 6000?It was a self aware, wise-cracking computer that belonged to Oliver Wendell Jones, the computer hacker kid from Berke Breathed's Bloom County. The character appeared about the same time the Mac was introduced in 1984 and made fun of IBM's ill-fated home version of the IBM-PC that was called PC Jr.Well, a guy calling himself "Fritzgutten" has gone to all the effort to bastardize a Mac Classic and make it into a Banana Jr. 6000.

You can read more about it here.

 

[chefann]

Cool!I've seen pics of the Classics and early iMacs made into fish tanks. Those are pretty cool, too.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

If you don't have a Mac Classic in your collection - I can help you out with that.

 

[chefann]

We might. But that's the last thing we need - obsolete computers We've got enough of them that we still use! (5 at last count, plus the one that's on loan to my in-laws.)

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I really like the Mac Classic, except that it's s-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oSLOWWWWWWWWWWWWW.Well, that and nothing I use runs on it anymore.

 

[katie0128]

Ooh- System 7 (or earlier)! That's what I had on my first Mac, and was the big selling point on the machines I used in college in the music lab.

Music lab, math lab and somewhere else that I can't remember right now. I really loved the actual trash can... there was something theraputic about dragging junk down there and throwing it away.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I may just have to morph that photo into an AV.

 

[katie0128]

Very appropriate!

 

[chefann]

Very appropriate!

Because it's antiquated and slow?




Just kidding, KG! You know we love you!

 

[katie0128]

Because it's antiquated and slow?




Just kidding, KG! You know we love you!

You said it, I didn't!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Everybody's picking on me today.

 

[Stephaniecafe]

Hey, that computer looks like Hewey and Dewey from that old movie silent running. Creeepy.

 

[katie0128]

Everybody's picking on me today.

If we didn't love ya, we wouldn't spend the energy and brian power (or lack there of) it takes to pick on ya!

 

[elizabethfox]

Everybody's picking on me today.

Awww....you poor thing

 

[pamperedposey]

Everybody's picking on me today.

Hey I didn't say you had a shrinking weiner! I said you remind me of Wilson. Shrinking weiner would be picking on you...Wilson is just an observation.

 

[baychef]

Rebate CheckAs you may have heard the Bush Administration said each and every one of us would now get a nice rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs.
If we spend it on fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatamala.
If we purchase a good car it will all go to Japan. If we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes and beer, since those are the only businesses still in the US.



My name is Elliot Spitzer and I approved this ad...

 

[Pamulia]

I love it. Too funny...

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

[hijack]Actually, if you buy gasoline, for each gallon, about 50¢ (± 10¢ per gallon, depending what state you live in) goes to state and federal governments, 5¢ goes to the guy who sold it to you, 5¢ goes to the distributor who sold it to the guy who sold it to you, 5¢ goes to the oil company profits, and the rest of it all goes into cost of production (shipping, storage, refining) and to the producer of the crude oil. In the United States, the majority of money to oil exporting countries goes to Canada.Betcha didn't know that, eh?Oh, and that 5¢ of oil company profit? Most of it is distributed to the owners of the oil companies. Who owns the oil companies? Little old ladies, widows, orphans, union members and anyone else who has investments in mutual funds.[/hijack]

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Man on Phone: Hello? Is this the state mental hospital?State Mental Hospital: Yes, it is. How may I help you?MoP: Can I speak to G. Howie Fartz in Room 217, please?SMH: Please hold, I'll connect you.[Long Pause]

SMH: I'm sorry, Mr. Fartz is not answering. MoP: Good! That means I really escaped this time.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

 

[katie0128]

Oh look - she is a rainbow-colored tramp!! Would fit in just fine around here!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Bible StudyAn elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder.

She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of her valuables and yelled: "Stop! Acts 2:38!, 'Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.'"

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?!?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an axe and two 38s!"*

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

This one'll probably get me into troubleThe 2007 Women Driver AwardsOh, stop it. These photos are only here because they're funny and they just
happen to be of cars that women were driving. Many of them seem to have
been taken in Europe, for whatever that's worth.The best caption on the first 8 photos would be, "Oops."10th Place

9th Place

8th Place

7th Place

6th Place

5th Place

4th Place

Second Runner-up

First Runner-up

(Note: She has her helmet on backwards.)The Winner

(Um, Ma'am, that's not the ferry.)

 

[janetupnorth]

http://images.townnews.com/rhinelanderdailynews.com/content/articles/2008/03/21/news/doc47e3d41866203252377113_thumb.jpgYesterday...He took the lights out...http://www.rhinelanderdailynews.com/articles/2008/03/21/news/doc47e3d41866203252377113.txt

 

[elizabethfox]

Two drunken men were driving home.

The first started screaming: - Jim, watch out for the wall, watch out for the waaaaall! Baaaaam! They hit the wall.

The next day in the hospital the first man asked his friend: - You good for nothing, I've was screaming for you to watch out, why didn't you? Jim answered him: - IT WAS YOU DRIVING!!!

 

[elizabethfox]

And since we are on the driving theme now..here are a few funny bumper sticker quotes....

Funny Bumper Stickers:
· Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
· We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
· He who laughs last thinks slowest.
· Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
· It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
· Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
· Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
· I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
· Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
· Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
· Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

What's the first thing a blonde does after an accident?