Never-Ending Thread: A Place for Laughs and Jokes - Join the Fun!

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor(saw this today- had to share. )I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids
myself, but the best "birth" story I know is the one I saw in my own
second grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few
sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually,
show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model
airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never,
ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it
in to school and talk about it, they're welcome. Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing
kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a
pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby
brother,
and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.' 'First, Mom and Dad
made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's
stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an
umbrella cord.' She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying
not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are
watching her in amazement. 'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh,
Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked
around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing
a hysterical duck walk and groaning.) 'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't
have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie
down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the
wall) 'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in
case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed,
like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands
miming water flowing away. It was too much!) 'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe,
breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all
of a sudden, out comes my brother.. He was covered in yucky stuff that
they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be
a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him
for crawling up in there.' Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her
seat I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's
show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle
Wife' comes along.

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor"Hello Mrs. Frobisher" said the bearded guy behind the counter at the bagel shop.My husband and I looked at him but drew complete blanks. "I'm sorry, do we know each other?" I asked."Yeah, you was my English teacher."Leaning over, my husband whispered, "Good job, Honey, good job."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

While at NC, beware of security camsThey're armed and don't care what your excuse is.

 

[pcsharon1]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThat's cute - my three year old learned his joke from Elmo and says to anybody who will listen -

Why did the boy say moo? CAUSE, he's a COWboy.

 

[NooraK]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorFrom http://www.notalwaysright.com today:

(Movie Theater | Durham, NC, USA)

(A customer approaches the service counter.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Is this the real life?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Is this just fantasy?”

Me: *catching on* “Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality.”

Customer: “D*** it! I was trying to prank you! You shouldn’t know what I’m doing!”

Me: “Doesn’t really matter to me, to meeee.”

Customer: “F*** you!” *storms off*

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorIf you ever get the sudden URGE to run around naked,
You should sniff some Windex first.


It'll keep you from streaking.

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA bus of politicians is driving by a farm where a man lives alone. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. The man comes out and finding the politicians, buries them.The next day, the police are at the farm questioning the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"The man answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorOk, this is a test.......the object is how "fast" can you guess. First thought is "usually" correct.
Don't cheat.....do the test.


How fast can you guess the words?


1. B o o _ s


2. _ _ ndom

3. F _ _ k


4. P _ n _ s


5. P u _ s _


Answers Below, Don't cheat

scroll down

|
|
\/
















Answers


1. Books


2. Random


3. Fork


4. Pants


5. Pulse


You got all 5 wrong, DIDN'T YOU?!

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor Awesome Senior Moment

Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent
interaction between an *elderly woman* and an *antiwar protester* in a Metro station in DC. There were protesters on the train platform
handing out pamphlet on the evils of America . I politely declined to
take one.

The elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young
(20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely
declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as
a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?" The old woman looked up at her
and said, "Honey, my father died in France during World War II; I lost my
husband in Korea; and a son in Vietnam . *All three died so* you could
have the right to stand here and badmouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."
=============

 

[chefheidi2003]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love.."


The woman correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman
and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.


While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"


"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.. "

I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

" Czechoslovakia ."

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorPolitically in correct... but can't resist..



The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a
huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little
wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy
will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll
forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand?
Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded her.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

Also can't believe someone didn't use the joke thread to tell a joke.

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

Also can't believe someone didn't use the joke thread to tell a joke.

Because not everyone KNOWS about it...I know I didn't until the first time I posted a joke-thread and got "corrected"....it needs to be a STICKY so it's able to be found. Sometimes, if a joke hasn't been posted in a while, it's gets buried in the recesses of the Chef's Lounge.

Not everyone on here has been around as long as the rest of us.

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThe Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name sailor?"
"Tom," the new seaman replied.
"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief'. Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye, Aye Chief!"
"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The seaman sighed. "Darling, My name is Tom Darling, Chief."



"Okay, Tom, here's what I want you to do ."

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor4 older ladies are sitting around playing bridge. The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."
The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long."
"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."
The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!"

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorNo one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally .”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money-fifty thousand dollars! Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.” Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” Sally said, “No”. Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”


The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.” Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ....” The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorOnce upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter,

the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem.. Everything the princess touched would melt.


No matter what;

metal,

wood,

stone,

anything she touched would melt.


Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.


The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?



He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'



The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.


The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.





But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .




The second prince brought diamonds.





He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.


He too was sent away disappointed.


The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.





She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.


And it did not melt!!!



The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.!


And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.




Question: What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)














M&M's of course.


They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorTwo priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.





They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them
as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed
for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts,
shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.



The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs,



enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a
'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini
came walking straight towards them..
They couldn't help but stare.



As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,'
nodding and addressing each of them individually,
then she passed on by. They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store
and bought even more outrageous outfits.



These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said



'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,'
and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied,



'Father, it's me, Sister Judy.

 

[kaiser]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humorlol
"Father, it's me, Sister Judy."

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorIn a man's prospective:
> >
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there
was... A Woman In a brand new Cadillac Doing 65 mph with her face
up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away For a couple seconds... to continue shaving. And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped My electric shaver which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs! Splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor68 and Pregnant





A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor.
After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. Then, the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.

"What the heck's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 68 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up asked . . . .

.

.

.

. "Does she still have the hiccups?"

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThis is too funny!! New spin on an old Bobby Darin song.

Splish Splash - Baby in the bath

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA guy took his blond girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."



Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' Like... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorSince more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code)



ATD: At The Doctor's

BFF: Best Friend Farted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP: Where's The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

GGLKI: (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorI think I could learn to like baking. Great Recipe!! LOL! Christmas Cookie Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp of lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Smirnoff Vodka Sample the Smirnoff to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the
Smirnoff again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one
level cup and drink.Turn on the electric mixer... Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy
bowl.Add one teaspoon of sugar... Beat again. At this point it's best to
make sure the Smirnoff is still OK, try another cup ... just in case.Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and
chuck in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor...
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just
pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Smirnoff to check for
tonsisticity.Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check
the Smirnoff. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one
table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.Greash the oven.Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget
to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window,
finish the Smirnoff and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.CHERRY MISTMAS

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorImportant Data on TSA Airport screening‏
.
.
.
.
.
.
Year to date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security. Here is are their "discoveries."
Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3

 

[akrebecca]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorBobbi-love the recipe! When I told my sister I signed up for PC, she sent me a similar recipe. I had to stop reading the recipe because I was laughing so hard.

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorMary's fourth grade homework assignment was to make sentences using the words in her spelling list, along with the definition. Coming across the word "frugal" in the list, she asked her father what it meant. He explained that being frugal meant you saved something.Her paper read:Frugal: to saveSentence:Maid Marion fell into a pit when she went walking in the woods so she yelled for someone to come get her out. She yelled, "Frugal me, Frugal me!"

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA group of 15-year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jannie Johnson, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see her and they can ride their bikes there.




Ten years later, the group of 25-year-old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute girls.




Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the booze was good, it was right near the gym and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.




Ten years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waitresses wore tight pants.




Ten years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good and fish is good for your cholesterol.




Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.




Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.




Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorAlas, where has all our
innocence gone?






While I sat in the reception area
of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly
man
in a wheelchair into the room.
As she went to the

receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone
and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make
small talk with him, a little boy slipped
off his mother's lap and
walked over to the
wheelchair. Placing his hand on the
man's, he said, I know how you feel. My
mom makes me ride in the stroller
too..'

*****

As I was nursing
my baby, my cousin's six-year-old
daughter, Krissy, came into the room.
Never having seen anyone breast feed
before, she was intrigued and full of all
kinds of questions about what I was
doing.
After mulling over my
answers, she remarked,
'My mom has
some of those, but I don't think she knows how to
use them..'

*****

Out bicycling
one day with my eight-year-old
granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little
wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want
to be with your friends and you won't
go walking, biking, and
swimming with me like you do
now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be
too old to do all those things
anyway.'

******

Working as a pediatric
nurse, I had the difficult assignment
of giving immunization shots to
children..
One day, I entered
the examining room to give
four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she
screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother,
'that's not polite behavior.'
With that, the girl
yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank
you!

******

On the way back from a Cub
Scout meeting, my grandson
innocently said to my son,
'Dad, I
know babies come from mommies' tummies, but
how do they get there in the first place?' After
my son hemmed and hawed awhile,
my grandson finally
spoke up
in disgust, 'You don't have to make
up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't
know the answer.'

*****

Just before I
was deployed to Iraq , I sat my
eight-year-old
son down and broke
the news to him. 'I'm going
to be away for a long time,' I told
him. 'I'm going to Iraq .' 'Why?' he
asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going
on over there?'

*****

Paul
Newman
founded the Hole in the Wall
Gang Camp for
children stricken
with cancer, AIDS, and blood
diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife,
Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with
the kids. A counselor at a nearby
table, suspecting the young patients
wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie
star, explained, That's the man who
made this camp possible. Maybe
you've seen his picture on
his salad dressing bottle?' Blank
stares.'Well, you've probably seen his face on
his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl
perked up. 'How long was he
missing?'

*****

.... and my personal favorite is...........God's
Problem Now:

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished,
when there was a
massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous
bolt of lightning,
accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the
distance. The little, old
man looked at the pastor and calmly
said,

'Well, she's there.

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThe Government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.

They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:

Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Empty gas Can
First Aid Kit
Booster cables
.
.
.
.

I looked like a real idiot getting on the bus this morning!
.
.

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorEmployee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

 

[esavvymom]

Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler


December 8 6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by
the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down
from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So
romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!


December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there be a more lovely place in
the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've
ever had!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered
up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got
to shovel again. What a perfect life!


December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-
we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much
snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see
snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such
a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.


December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The
temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything
sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed
up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and
buried everything again. I didn't
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling,
but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish
I wouldn't huff and puff so.


December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2
extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants
a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.


December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The
wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very
cruel.


December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to
pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to
her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe
I'm freezing to death in my own livingroom.


December 20

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of
the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all
day. The damn snowplow came by twice..
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're
lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about
buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob
says I have to shovel or the city will have it done
and bill me. I think he's lying.


December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold,
it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes
to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I
had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and
dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to
hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of
the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the
asshole is lying.


December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house
this morning. What is she, nuts?!!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She
says she did but I think she's lying.


December 24

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke
the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I
ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow
plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and
beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100
miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
busy watching for the damn snowplow.


December 25

Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn
slop tonight - Snowed in
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate
the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife
says I have a bad attitude.. I think she's a fricking
idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one
more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.


December 26

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.


December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;
plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he
only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.


December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!


December 29

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever
heard. How dumb does he think I am?


December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now
he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the
beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the
broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to
her mother.
Nine more inches predicted.


December 31

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.


January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

 

[NooraK]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorSince the ladies at my Spring Launch mentioned the idea of a wedgie show, I found this all that more amusing today (plus when my mom gets tired, she swaps her v's & w's):

http://notalwaysright.com/language-barrier-drives-a-wedge-between-us/10173

Language Barrier Drives A Wedge Between Us
Snack Bar | Louisville, KY, USA

(Our snack bar sell typical snack bar type stuff, like popcorn and pretzels, as well as pizzas. Two clearly foreign women come to the counter and look at the menu for a few moments.)

Me: “What can I get you tonight?”

Customer #1: “You have pizza?”

Me: “Yes, I have a cheese pizza coming out of the oven in just a minute, and a pepperoni ready right now.”

Customer #1: “You have wedgie?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer #2: “You have wedgie deluxe?”

Me: “I don’t think so.”

(I suddenly realize that they’re trying to say ‘Veggie’.)

Me: “No, we don’t. We only have cheese and pepperoni.”

Customer #1: “No wedgie toppings?”

Me: *trying very hard not to crack up laughing* “No, sorry, just cheese and pepperoni.”

(They thank me and walk away. A few moments later, they return and order the cheese pizza.)

Customer #1: “You should get wedgie. I love it.”

 

[mmilus]

Re: For us Ladies!!!

dear kotex,
put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw
it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer. There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don't ya just add an in-store microphone to the damn package & announce that...helloooo, another female in the store is on her period?! So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces and shove them right up your a___!



P.s. How about adding a free sample of pamprin & maybe a shot of bourbon to your packages instead?

amen, sister!!!

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorHey, Noora, I know where you found that.

 

[nikked]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorQ: What is silent and smells like worms?

A: Bird farts!

get it? bird farts!!!!


hehehe...my new favorite joke!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorDid someone send you that joke as a tweet?

 

[akrebecca]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorBeen a while since I have posted a new joke. Most of the ones I hear (you know-forwarded emails) I think are on here. Right now my 6yo son's favorite joke is:

What do you call a flying skunk?



A Smelly-copter!!!!!!

Then he usually adds "A smelly-copter! Get it?" before collapsing in laughter.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorWhat's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?The fifty feet of skid marks in front of the skunk.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Truth in Packaging

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorHow much cocaine did Charlie Sheen actually do?

About enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humormaybe considered adult in nature.............

just a warning......

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The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, Where are you going?"
He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, "Where the hell are you going"?
She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot!"

 

[esavvymom]

Why God Made Moms (Happy Mother's Day)WHY GOD MADE MOMS


Answers to the following questions were given by 2nd grade school children:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.


How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.


What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.


Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?


1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.


What kind of a little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.


What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?


1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?


Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.


Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.



What's the difference between moms and dads?


1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.


What does your mom do in her spare time?


1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.



What would it take to make your mom perfect?


1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.



If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?


1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorMaking a baby.. This is really hilarious and there is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs Smith fainted

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorTwo friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend, "Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow." The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?" His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat." The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor> Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I ease
> my car over to
> the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and
> open the
> trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood
> them at the
> rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so
> lifelike you
> wouldn't believe! They are in trench coats exposing
> their nude bodies
> and private parts to the approaching drivers. But to my
> surprise,
> cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And
> of course,
> traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their
> horns and waving
> like crazy.
>
> It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind
> me. He gets out
> of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he
> was not a
> happy camper!
>
> 'What's going on here?'
>
> 'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.
>
> 'Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men
> doing here by the
> road?'
>
> I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told
> him, 'Helloooooo,
> those are my emergency flashers!'

 

[pampered1224]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorTerry!!! You are not blond!!!

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life.""How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!""OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer. (keep reading)
"My Rolex !!"

 

[Brenda.the.chef]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorWhat do you call a seagull that flies over San Francisco Bay?








a Baygull