Never-Ending Thread: A Place for Laughs and Jokes - Join the Fun!

[tlag1986]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA Sure CureThree Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church.
I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic.
I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church...
Haven't seen one back since!!!"

 

[tlag1986]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorSatan-In-LawOne bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny Midwest town got up early
and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in
a frantic effort to get away from an evil incarnate.Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who
sat calmly in his pew, not moving.....seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate
enemy was in his presence.Now this confused and irritated the Devil a bit, so he walked up to the man and said,
"Don't you know who I am?""Yep, sure do," the elderly man said.Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"This time the man said, "Nope, sure ain't!"Satan, a little more perturbed at this, asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 56 years."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorPssst! Lisa...this one was already posted. November 6, 2007

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorAfter having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: 'California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, The St. Paul Pioneer Press, reported the following:

After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Embarrass, Minnesota , Ole Olson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Minnesota had already gone wireless.

Thank Heavens for Ole.


An dat's da trut, ya, you betcha!

 

[tlag1986]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorAs Bill was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him. That does it, he decided. I'm going to start a whole new regimen. He began attending aerobics classes. He started working out with weights. He changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant.
In six months, he was a different man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted. There he was, all
dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He stood
poised to ring the woman's doorbell, when a bolt of lightning
struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying,
he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, "Why, God, why now? After all I've been through, how could you do this to me?"
From up above, there came a voice, "Sorry. I didn't recognize
you."

 

[tlag1986]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThis guy dies and is sent to Hell.
Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and
says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the next room".Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes.So the guy says, "I'll choose this room". Satan says O.K. The guys
is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could be worse", when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says "O.K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!"

 

[tlag1986]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorSAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER You don't have to own a cat to appreciate
this one! You don't even have to like 'em! We were dressed and ready to
go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned
the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in
the backyard. e phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The
taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we
put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat
shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes
out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs
upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't
want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So,
she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just
going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother. A few minutes later, I get
into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That
stupid b*tch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat
hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her
by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from
scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw
her out into the back yard! The cab driver hit a parked car.

 

[tlag1986]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened . Then
he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When The postal authorities received the letter to God , USA ,
they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you
note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for
some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those a**holes took $95.00 in taxes.

 

[tlag1986]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorWhy Parents Drink A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.Stacy said that we will be very happy.She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.We share a dream of having many more children.Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.Love, Your Son JohnPS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.I love you.Call me when it's safe to come home.

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorSenior citizens
are the nation's leading carriers of aids!?


Hearing aids?

Band aids?

Roll aids?

Walking aids?

Medical aids?

Government aids?

Most of all,
monetary aids to their kids!

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorMy dad used to freak people out when the AIDS scare hit its zenith. He goes to doctors frequently. (He'll be 86 in May.) He started stopping nurses just as they began all of the preliminary test-taking and saying, "Did they tell you I have aids?"Every one of them would get a really stricken look, stop, and say, "No."Very seriously he'd say, "Well, I do. One in each ear."Some laughed. Some didn't. Dad had a good time either way.

 

[Addie4TLC]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

My dad used to freak people out when the AIDS scare hit its zenith. He goes to doctors frequently. (He'll be 86 in May.) He started stopping nurses just as they began all of the preliminary test-taking and saying, "Did they tell you I have aids?"

Every one of them would get a really stricken look, stop, and say, "No."

Very seriously he'd say, "Well, I do. One in each ear."

Some laughed. Some didn't. Dad had a good time either way.

That's very funny!!

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorMy personality comes from Dad's side of the family. We have always been an embarrassment to my mom.

 

[susanr613]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humorto be read aloud....

A woman calls the dairy to order milk. The milkman asks how much she wants. She says 100 gallons. The milkman is astonished and asks what she's going to do with 100 gallons of milk. She replies that she is going to bathe in it.

He asks her, "So it's 100 gallons of milk, right?"
She replies, "Yes, please."
He asks, "Pasteurized?"
She says, "No, just up to my neck"

 

[tlag1986]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThe NFL announced today that for financial reasons they had
to eliminate one team from the league.

So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the
Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, causing many layoffs
but saving millions of dollars in costs, they will be known


as the.........TAMPACKS.

Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have
no second string.....


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: A letter to my bank
Dear banker,

In view of what is happening with banks, both US-based
and international, I was wondering if you could advise me...

If one of my checks is returned marked "Insufficient Funds," how do I know whether that refers to me or to you?

Sincerely,

Your valued customer

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorFIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
NUMBER 5: They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.

NUMBER 4: 'This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to.

NUMBER 3: 'Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!

NUMBER 2: Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?

Number 1: And MY all time Favorite: best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:
(Raising your head slowly) '...in Jesus' name, Amen :angel:

 

[tlag1986]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorAn atheist was walking through the woods.

' What majestic trees! '

' What powerful rivers! '

' What beautiful animals! '

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging
towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and
saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He
tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that
the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and
raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out,

' Oh my God! '

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. ' You
deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and
even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of
this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer? '

The atheist looked directly into the light and said, ' It would be
hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now,
but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian? '

' Very Well, ' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear
dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

' Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty
through Christ our Lord, Amen. '

 

[tlag1986]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorNOAH TODAYIn the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah,who was now living in the United States, and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over
-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.""Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
along with a few good humans."He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will
start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?""Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed.""I needed a building permit.""I've been arguing with the inspector
about the need for a sprinkler system.""My neighbors claim that I've violated the
neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my
yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.""Then the Department of Transportation demanded a
bond be posted for the future costs of moving power
lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them
that the sea would be coming to us, but they would
hear nothing of it.""Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban
on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.""I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!""When I started gathering the animals, an animal
rights group sued me. They insisted that I was
confining wild animals against their will. They
argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and
it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in
a confined space.""Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark
until they'd conducted an environmental impact study
on your proposed flood.""I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire for my building crew.""Immigration and Naturalization are checking the
green-card status of most of the people who want to work.""The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They
insist I have to hire only Union workers with
Ark-building experience.""To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets,
claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally
with endangered species.""So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
years for me to finish this Ark.""Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky."Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?""No," said the Lord.
"The GOVERNMENT beat me to it."

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorSubject: Hillbilly Vasectomy

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can(COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a bee r can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

( you'll love this...)wait for it ---






At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.


This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Missouri , West Virginia , Virginia and Washington DC

 

[kcmckay]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

subject: Hillbilly vasectomy

after their 11th child, an alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "a less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in alabama) light it, put it in a beer can(coors), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

the alabamian said to the doctor, "i may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but i don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a bee r can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

( you'll love this...)wait for it ---






at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.


This procedure also works in tennessee , kentucky , louisiana , arkansas , mississippi , missouri , west virginia , virginia and washington dc

rotflma!!!!!!:d

 

[tlag1986]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorRofl!!!!!!!!

 

[chefann]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA gentle reminder: If you post a joke in this thread that is off-color, whether that's because it's a little blue, political, or religious, please indicate "Adult content" at the top of your post. That will give a warning to members who choose not to read such content.

 

[esavvymom]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor
Why, Why, Why,

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?


Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?


Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?


Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?


If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?


Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?


Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?


Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?


Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?


Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?


How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?


When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'


Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?


In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?


How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?


And my FAVORITE.......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you. – In my case it’s all of us J

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humorthis could be deemed offensive!!! no harm intended..






Gotta Love the Irish

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

----------------------------------------------------------

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie , 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.

'Really,' said Charles , 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

 

[tlag1986]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorEXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 40 Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of
room at each side.With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out
from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to
reach a full minute, and then relax.Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer.After a couple weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then try 50-lb.
potato sacks.Then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato
sack in each hand, and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. I'm at this level.Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

 

[tlag1986]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack."Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.She finds the manager and says, " There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"(you're gonna love this)The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
Have a lovely dayHEEE HEEE!!!!!

 

[candiejayne]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorI was totally singing it!

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humormay offend politicians....



Saint Pelosi



On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D. C., House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's aide visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral.

He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views." Pelosi's aide then said, "Look.. I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As Pelosi's aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated herself prominently at the edge of the main aisle. And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that House Speaker Pelosi was present..

Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation -- "While Speaker Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, she is not my favorite person. Some of her views are contrary to those of the church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other views. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit.. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief.

Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington , and in California . She simply is not to be trusted."

The Cardinal completed his view of Pelosi with, "But, when compared to Senators Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid, Barney Frank and John Kerry, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint."

 

[baychef]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorFunny how you could substitute anyone from the Bush regime and the joke would be interchangeable!

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorWarning: Mild Adult Content.


Little Bobby was home alone at the farmhouse when the neighbor man, Mr. Jones, stomped up onto the porch and pounded on the door. Bobby answered the door.

Mr. Jones: Is your father home?

Bobby: I'm sorry, sir, but he went to town.

Mr. Jones: Is your mother home?

Bobby: No, sir. She went with father.

Mr. Jones: Well, is your older brother, Howard, here?

Bobby: No, sir. He's working the upper field. I know a lot about the farm, sir. Is there something I can do for you?

Mr. Jones: Howard got my daughter pregnant.

Bobby took a moment to think about this, then said: Well, sir. I'm afraid I can't help you. I know my father charges $50 for a bull. He charges $25 for a hog. But, I'm not sure what he charges for Howard.

 

[tlag1986]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorMild Adult Humor

ALERT OF A NEW SCAM!


I hate it when people bug me with warnings, and I have even done
it myself a couple times unintentionally...but this one is real,
and it's important. So please warn everyone.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for
ticks due to the Spring weather and asks you to take your clothes
off and spin around with your arms up.....


DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked.


I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

Mild Adult Humor

ALERT OF A NEW SCAM!


I hate it when people bug me with warnings, and I have even done
it myself a couple times unintentionally...but this one is real,
and it's important. So please warn everyone.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for
ticks due to the Spring weather and asks you to take your clothes
off and spin around with your arms up.....


DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked.


I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

I'll be back again next week to check again..

 

[baychef]

Hypnotist at senior centerIt was entertainment night at the Senior Center and over 300 seniors came to see the show. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed:

'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...

'The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist...................


It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorKid Wisdom:When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' Don't answer.Never tell your Mom her diet's not working.Stay away from prunes.Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to.Never let your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment.If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone.

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorConfucius Says:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not
determine who is right, war determines who is
left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put
husband in doghouse soon find him in
cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with
wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails
to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like
hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
glass house should change clothes in
basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
smell different to midget.

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorFor all those parents who have toddlers or had toddlers, this is for you:

The Toddler's Creed

IF I WANT IT IT'S MINE.
IF I GIVE IT TO YOU AND CHANGE MY MIND LATER, IT'S MINE.
IF I CAN TAKE IT AWAY FROM YOU, IT'S MINE.
IF I HAD IT A LITTLE WHILE AGO, IT'S MINE.
IF IT'S MINE, IT WILL NEVER BELONG TO ANYBODY ELSE, NO MATTER WHAT.
IF WE ARE BUILDING SOMETHING TOGETHER, ALL PIECES ARE MINE.
IF IT LOOKS JUST LIKE MINE, IT IS MINE!

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorHey, Terry, I know 40 year olds who live by that creed.

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

Hey, Terry, I know 40 year olds who live by that creed.

so do I.... I think most of us know someone like that...

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorIt's so good to read the truth at last
I love this Doctor !Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q:Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.
Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up! Q:How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc. Q:What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain....good! Q:Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!
..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?
HELLO
Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.And remember:'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorIf the global crisis continues at the present rate of greed, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational...
The blood bank and the sperm bank!
When these two banks merge it will be run by bloody wankers!

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorThe Cowboy Boots
(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough,

They were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as

Together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,
'Why didn't you say so?', like she wanted to.



Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'they're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your Mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorLIFE EXPLAINED!!!!


On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and
said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to
support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.


There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.


.

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorComedian Red Skelton’s recipe for a good marriage:
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.”

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA young girl went to school on her first day in the first grade at Catholic shcool. When her mom asked her how her first day went, she replied that everything went just fine, with the exception of one problem: “They don’t have enough ‘hookers’ at school.”Mom and Dad were relieved when she explained that she had no place to hang her backpack due to the “hooker” shortage.

 

[raebates]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor“Laughter is like changing a baby’s diaper. It doesn’t permanently solve anything, but it makes things more acceptable for a while.” —Tennyson Guyer

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorTwo Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humormay offend then again it can be flipped around too....

Intelligence

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"
His father replied: "Well, son, you have got it from your mother, because I still have mine."

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humormay offend.. but then again.. depends on how you take this....


Maria had just married, and being a traditional woman she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her; 'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'

'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'

'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'

Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorA man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with
Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week
for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall
upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green
shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies, .................................

"No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

 

[colegrovet]

Re: The Official Continuing Discussion of American HumorLIFE EXPLAINED!!!!


On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and
said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to
support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.


There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.


.