Rant soDh Told Me Before Thanksgiving That He Wants to Have His Family

[sklay723]

So DH told me before Thanksgiving that he wants to have his family over to our house (instead of us going to theirs) on Christmas Day. We have twin almost-three-year-olds and he thought it might be fun to have everyone here. We only live 45 minutes from them. DH and his dad are currently both working night shift, so DH told his dad his idea a few days before Thanksgiving one night while they were working (they talk on the phone back and forth during their shifts).

Fast forward to Thanksgiving Day, when my MIL makes a very pointed remark in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner that it's TRADITION to have Thanksgiving and Christmas at their house. It didn't even hit me then what she was talking about. To be honest, I just kept on eating just like everyone else and didn't even pay attention to the fact that the comment was somewhat directed toward me.

Just a while ago I'm talking to my brother-in-law's girlfriend. She wanted to know what my DH wants for Christmas, since they drew his name in the gift exchange. Then she mentions something about looking forward to Christmas dinner...here. At my house. Um, yeah, OK...haven't heard that from anyone yet!

The girlfriend then tells me that according to my MIL, they're just going to "give in" and let us host Christmas dinner here, including all food prep, since I was so insistent and MADE my DH go talk to his dad so that he would talk MIL into it. What??? Really? Why would I actually fight to be able to host a massive meal for approximately a DOZEN people at my house when we are on a tight budget just to buy our groceries each week? And since it was DH's idea, and DH discussed it with his dad, shouldn't they be the ones with the finger pointed at them? And if his folks had already decided that yes, we'll have dinner here instead of there, wouldn't it have been nice to call us and at least let us know before we started finding out from other family members???

MIL's never been all that fond of me, but this just takes it to a completely new level. I have gone out of my way over the course of the past year to be the most easy-going, relaxed daughter-in-law, because I learned before then that I was never going to win no matter how hard I tried. I have accommodated strange requests, taken the kids there to visit even when Steve was working and couldn't come with us, and we even gave money to my FIL when they had budget issues and he asked for help...MIL still doesn't know that happened. So frustrating.

Anyway, just had to vent. I'm sure I'm not the only one with in-law stories to vent about, but I sure needed to get this off my chest. DH is supposed to mention it to his dad tonight, but every ounce of me just wants to pick up the phone and call MIL and just get it out in the open. That would completely go against my mission to be easy-going and relaxed though...

 

[mrssyvo]

Re: In-laws...I feel for you- I have been married 8 years, and just now starting to have problems with the in-laws. We used to be really close, but this past Summer, the scales have come off my eyes, so to speak, especially with SIL and MIL- I am at the point, that I just let DH deal with them- He is my covering, and he can handle it. I do not have any advice for oyu, except to let your DH handle it.

 

[pcsharon1]

Re: In-laws...You know - on television they always play up that it's the wife's mother that is the dreaded mother-in-law but I would say that in real life 90% of the time it's the other way around. Why is that?

I totally understand venting - my son turned 2 yesterday and I still haven't gotten over the fact that when he was born we asked that no one come to the hospital and give us the first 2 weeks with him by ourselves (we'd been married for 12 years and are military and used to it just being us) - we live 7 hours away from all of our family so any visit would not be short and sweet. My mother in law informed us that it was her right as a grandmother and we couldn't keep her away. My father in law was more than respectful of our wishes and was not going to come or let her come if we asked them not to but she kept on and on. She even had her sister in law call and find out what hospital we were using under the impression that she needed to know so she could send flowers (which she didn't) They did come to the hospital. We didn't call anyone and tell them I was in labor, called after the baby was born and she yelled at us when we did call and told us we were supposed to call her so she could be there when he was born. I've put it behind me for the most part but every now and then it comes welling up again. We don't have a bad relationship but it is stressed and the whole thing totally stressed me out at the time causing me trouble nursing and I had some depression on top of it.

I too try to be easy going and relaxed but can't wait until we get orders to move next year.............nowhere we get orders for will be this close to everyone.

 

[mrssyvo]

Re: In-laws...Sharon, it sounds like we have the same MIL- Our fiasco started because I did not attend a graduation party for my niece, who had been a total brat to me for the last several months. It was only an 8th grade graduation, and I chose not to reward her bad behavior. DH went, I sent a gift AND a veggie tray. I just chose one invitation over another. This was LAST June, and I thought it was all dealt with, but she called me last week, to discuss it again, and ended up telling me that things would never be resolved until I apologized for tearing our family apart (HUH!!!!) I thought RSVP on an ivitation was, call us, and let us know if you can make it- NOT your presence is DEMANDED!!!!

 

[janetupnorth]

Re: In-laws...Advice:Take DH and go sit down with BOTH MIL and FIL face-to-face and hammer this out now before it builds from now throughout the years. It already involves hearsay and other relatives. Sounds like MIL is one to gossip and cause trouble????Get on the same page, work it out, call the relatives.Also make sure your DH is on the same page as you and supportive of you before the chat.Good luck! With Christmas too!

 

[Jessamary]

Re: In-laws...

You know - on television they always play up that it's the wife's mother that is the dreaded mother-in-law but I would say that in real life 90% of the time it's the other way around.

Amen, sista!
My MIL had only boys -- 2 boys --and I feel like we pay for it. When we got married, instead of her inviting all her friends and family to the wedding (which we encouraged), she planned a whole 2nd reception. Well...I still refer to it as our "2nd wedding" since the reception was bigger than the real one. She planned every detail...from the horrible ACCORDIAN player to the fancy schmancy guest book and pen. My only request was that we not have a tiered cake, which she took offense to. "Well, to everyone there, this is the only wedding cake!" I refused to cut it or even pose near it. It was HER "wedding" since she didn't have a daughter. Things went south from there when kids were involved.

It sounds like the MIL in the original post is Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond!

 

[pcsharon1]

Re: In-laws...

Sharon, it sounds like we have the same MIL- Our fiasco started because I did not attend a graduation party for my niece, who had been a total brat to me for the last several months. It was only an 8th grade graduation, and I chose not to reward her bad behavior. DH went, I sent a gift AND a veggie tray. I just chose one invitation over another. This was LAST June, and I thought it was all dealt with, but she called me last week, to discuss it again, and ended up telling me that things would never be resolved until I apologized for tearing our family apart (HUH!!!!) I thought RSVP on an ivitation was, call us, and let us know if you can make it- NOT your presence is DEMANDED!!!!

I fell (and I mean fell, turned a complete flip in the upstair lobby) and sprained my ankle at my SIL high school capping ceremony. I got my husband to help me up and I sat in a chair in the lobby with my foot propped up while they all went in for the ceremony and then my husband came out and took me to the hospital - my idea to wait, I didn't want him to miss it, he was the one capping her and we had driven from Texas to Virginia just for this and I missed the whole thing. Dr. said it was the worst sprain he had ever seen and I would have been better off if I had broken it. They wrapped it, gave me pain meds and we stopped by the highschool to see if everyone had left yet on the way back home. So as I sit in the car with my ankle propped up on the dashboard, they make my DH get out and visit with people and take pictures for more than half an hour. No one cared that I was in pain in the car. According to them I was trying to take the focus off of my SIL and draw attention to myself.

I had no idea I had such a flair for the dramatic. I think I could have found a less painful way to get attention. And our presence was DEMANDED at that graduation even though it was a 22 hours drive to get there. Crazy isn't it.

 

[sklay723]

Re: In-laws...

Advice:

Take DH and go sit down with BOTH MIL and FIL face-to-face and hammer this out now before it builds from now throughout the years. It already involves hearsay and other relatives. Sounds like MIL is one to gossip and cause trouble????

Get on the same page, work it out, call the relatives.

Also make sure your DH is on the same page as you and supportive of you before the chat.

Good luck! With Christmas too!

I would love to do this, I honestly would. And I know that DH is definitely on the same page as me. MIL is his stepmom and has some jealousy issues (DH and I are still together after 10 years/8 years married and have our kids here with us, her son just went through a very messy divorce last year and the ex took the kids away out of state, etc.). Both DH and his dad are very much non-confrontational for this kind of thing, and I'm fine with that because I'm non-confrontational too...but when she starts dragging other relatives into it things just get muddy for me. DH suggested having Christmas dinner here because he thought it would be a nice change of pace, but I'm willing to bet she thinks it's because I think I could do a better job. Which is not the way my mind is working at all, but trying to explain that would just blow up in my face. She's always had a good way of turning the situation around on people using guilt.

 

[chefsteph07]

Re: In-laws...Dontcha just LOVE :love: the holidays??? NOT!

I have SO MANY inlaw stories I'm not even gonna start.

Let's just say that having Marie from the Raymond show as a MIL would be a BLESSING.

 

[pamperedbecky]

Re: In-laws...Holy cow, these stories!! I feel for all of you.

Oh my gosh, the situation with my in-laws isn't the worst, but it's definitely not getting better. NOt just the MIL and FIL, but one of the BILs. We weren't invited to my BIL's son's first birthday. No explanation, nothing. A couple Thanksgivings ago, they all completely bailed on us hosting so we had a 21 pound turkey for 5 adults. Yum. Too bad many of the leftovers went bad. Oh yeah and DH's parents and other brother cancelled the MORNING of!! We were taking bets on when we'd "get the call" because it wasn't a surprise when the others started cancelling.

People are nuts!!!

 

[pcchefjane]

Re: In-laws...I was married for 15 years to my ex. My MIL was horrible to me! I have always been overweight and lost 75 pounds on Weight Watchers when we have been married 4 years. Her comment, "Aren't you glad you aren't so big and fat anymore?" After dealing with my then DH's depression, suicide attempts, and other things, I threw him out one night when he hit me and knocked me down. Seems MIL told him that if he was in a depression, it was ALL my fault and he didn't need to take the medication he was on. He was on Prozac for 4 months then was switched to Wellbutrin which he quit "cold turkey" thanks to her. The one time my then 9 yo DD stayed at their home (he was living there when I threw him out), she told my DD all day that everything was my fault and that her daddy would not be depressed if I wasn't such a horrible person! I think sometimes that MIL's from the DH side want to just see what a horrible person they can be to the wife!

On the other hand, my SIL's parents are wonderful to both my DD and me! I am included in their Thanksgiving dinners each year. I love my SIL and treat him very well. That's especially good since I now live with them! LOL!

 

[princessmeshelle]

Re: In-laws...haven't read all the other responses, but I FEEL FOR YA! i just don't along with my inlaws. no matter how hard i try. but, i would want a sit down and get this resolved now. i would first ask DH what he knows about itjust to make sure you are on the same page and then do the sit down thing. if you ever want to talk just PM me. i've got in-laws that make most people's heads spin!

 

[wadesgirl]

Re: In-laws...My SIL is a doozy, not enough time to get into her. I love my MIL and FIL, they are the most wonderful people in the world.As for DH's in-laws... that's another story!