Personal Should I Bother Getting on the Board?

[susanr613]

I get the feeling that many of my fellow Cheffers are involved with their houses of worship and schools, so I'm tossing this one out for your advice. This is a long post.

Let me preface my story by mentioning that my synagogue is very small and getting a little smaller every year. We desperately need some new families. It's odd because we are 1 of 2 synagogues easily accessible in our part of the Chicago burbs.

I have been pretty involved with my synagogue (sisterhood, youth group) for the past 2 years and had submitted my name for consideration for a member at large position on the board. A member at large is not in charge of anything, but does have a voice and a vote. I am seriously considering withdrawing my name.

I have become increasingly disappointed by our rabbi. He's been around for 3 years and has caused a lot of controversy. He also reminds me a lot of my abusive ex-husband (not DS' dad), by his personality and actions regarding his and my sons. He is a scholar and knows how to play to the older members of the synagogue. He is a terrible teacher and does not do a good job of honoring his tutoring requirements (for which he is paid extra). He is also spotty when it comes to pastoral duties such as sick visits, and has been disrespectful to congregants who are not Jewish (spouses of Jewish congregants). That really pisses me off. It's gotten to the point where I no longer attend services unless DS has to, and I feel disturbed, not peaceful. Many others share my view.

In early October, the board did two things. They solicited letters from the congregation with opinions on whether or not to sign the rabbi on for an additional 3 years. They also made an impassioned plea for people to step up and become more active in the synagogue, including announcing that there is a member at large seat open now. I immediately wrote a detailed letter asking the board not to renew the rabbi's contract, and I immediately volunteered to fill that empty board position.

The board voted to pursue contract negotiations with the rabbi. The board has still not filled that empty seat. I have been told several times that they are still deciding on me or another person.

Both actions left me feeling like I should not bother being on the board. The synagogue is still being run by the older generation - they cry that the synagogue is empty but they want to run it for their needs, not the needs of young families. Also, after all that fuss about needing new people, they can't make a decision when they have 2 people wanting to step up right now.

I feel like even if I did get on the board, my voice would be drowned out, and that I would wind up quitting out of frustration. I am already planning to drop out of the sisterhood and youth groups. I just don't care anymore about anything other than getting DS to his Bar Mitzvah in 2010.

So, my question is, have any of you been in this sort of situation, where you feel like you have to fight the system? Did you? Should I?

Thanks for "listening" and for your thoughts -

 

[ChefBeckyD]

Wow Susan, my heart really goes out to you. I've been there - I was actually on staff at a church that sounds alot like your synagogue.

I hate it when a house of worship, and a congregation, get caught up in playing politics.:grumpy:
I can remember literally throwing up in the morning before leaving for church, because I would be so sick from the conflict. I ended up resigning and leaving that church. It wasn't worth it. (Oh - and the conflict wasn't with me, I was just always being pressured to choose sides in an ongoing battle between 2 factions of the church).

Your statement about the older generation not caring about the needs of the younger is a common theme in many churches too. I think that is why so many churches are dying a slow death.

I guess I would say (and I don't know how much help this is!) that if you feel like your presence can help the situation - then stay, and participate. But if you really think it's a drowning ship, then you need to save you and your son. If there is nothing there for him, it would be even easier to make that decision I think. I don't know how Bar Mitzvah, or changing congregations works with your Faith - would he still be able to do his Bar Mitzvah if you changed to another synagogue? Is that even a possibility?

 

[murkey]

I too felt exactly what you are feeling now, for many of the exact same reasons. I struggled at leaving our church home for over 10 years but ultimately started searching. 5 weeks ago I found our new Church Home. I loVE it! I have the passion to be at church again. I want to get involved again and get to know everyone. My passion for being with our brethren has been renewed and I am kicking myself for allowing us to stay at our old church for so long.It sounds to me that God is calling you and your family elsewhere. Start searching and see. You will KNOW when and where He is calling you. Don't let previous ties, relationships and previous ties hold you there. Pray and He will show you the path He wants for you.

 

[raebates]

Susan, I'm sorry you're in this struggle. I've been there. For quite a while I (along with The Furry Guy) stayed in order to be a voice for change. In our situation things got worse. Eventually we felt a release to search out a new church home. Do you feel God impressing upon your heart to work on the board as a voice for change? If so, stay by all means. Only you can say what you sense God leading you to do. I will pray that His will be clear. (I know I'm one who needs the big, flashing, neon sign; the triple-trailer semi . . .)

 

[BethCooks4U]

It sounds to me like your synagogue needs you on the board. Continue to pray about it and persue the opportunity. You seem to have a level head and my inpression is that you can work between generations to help breathe life into your community. I'll pray for you and your synagogue.

 

[ChefLoriG]

I would find another synagogue. You don't like the rabbi, it sounds like they are going to extend his contract, even if you are on the board, can you change the rabbi and how he is?? Just my initial feel after reading what you wrote.

 

[susanr613]

thanks so much for caring and sharing your experiences and ideas. at a minimum, i'm going to stay until DS is bar mitzvah, altho i will probably get a priviate tutor and not pay the rabbi to tutor him. fyi, ds will have to not only lead parts of the service, but also chant a portion of the bible in hebrew. it takes a lot of study and rote memorization. i would hate to rip him away from his friends at this point.

i am going to talk with a few people who feel as i do to see if we can be a force of change. if i feel like i'm not alone, it will motivate me to try and get things done.

the listening to God part is the toughest...but I will try.

thanks again -

 

[gingertannery]

Wow.. there are so many issues here. Pray for clarity. But, if I left.. I would be tempted to let them know why... in a caring way. It may not get things rolling now but might be a catylist for changes in the future. They can't possibly see what they are doing to the church as a whole. But if you take this on, just by hearing how you think.. God has picked a strong caring person to open their eyes. Maybe that is his plan for you. I will pray for you and your synagogue. Good luck.

 

[jrstephens]

I would pray for God's guidance. I have always fett that if you are that unhappy and have that many problems with your place of worship then you need a new place. You need somewhere that your needs are being met.

I do not know how Bar Mitzvah's. Could you change synogagues now and not affect that? I am clueless on how that works, fill me in.

 

[susanr613]

Yes, I could change synagogues at this point and it would not really affect the Bar Mitzvah process. However, it might do more harm than good for DS. He's having a tough year socially, and feels comfortable at our current synagogue. The only other synagogue nearby is not very welcoming from what I have heard. I changed public schools due to a move when I was about his age and it really affected me for several years until I found my "place." Also, I would have a hard time convincing exH to move, and we both pay the membership and school fees.

So, for me, it's a matter of do I join the board and try to affect change, or do I cruise along in maintenence mode until DS is Bar Mitzvah, then leave? I need to talk with others who share my discontent and truly pray on it.

I am glad I posted on this board. I knew I'd find empathy, understanding, and great advice. Thank you so much!

 

[janetupnorth]

I just read this Susan, bypassed it before in my busy time lately.I too have been in similar situations in churches, both as a child and an adult. My parents left a church when I was about 8 and never told us the situation until adults (they didn't want to burden us with adult decisions). At that time, I didn't want to leave my friends and it did take me a year or so to adjust, but it worked out well. As an adult I understand their decision (ESPECIALLY after learning the why).As an adult I left a church I worked at as an employee and a member of the church...there was great conflict. The pastor got kicked out 1 1/2 years after I left. The process was started when I was there. I, like Becky D., was being pulled hard, and as a missionary to a Christian camp, we chose not to have our family in the middle of any conflict.When a person of influence in a church is not right for the church, it is hard!There is a book I recommend you read, especially if you are planning on serving on the board so your mind is clear. It is written from an evangelical Christian perspective, but the principles apply to your situation and you can definitely relate to them as you see fit.http://www.amazon.com/dp/1556611609/?tag=pfamazon01-20No matter what you decide, you are striving to put your child's well-being first, which is greatly commendable. I just caution you to make sure YOU are taken care of and fed. To serve in the middle of turmoil is downright draining and you need to have a good support structure for yourself.

 

[ChefBeckyD]

I just read this Susan, bypassed it before in my busy time lately.

I too have been in similar situations in churches, both as a child and an adult. My parents left a church when I was about 8 and never told us the situation until adults (they didn't want to burden us with adult decisions). At that time, I didn't want to leave my friends and it did take me a year or so to adjust, but it worked out well. As an adult I understand their decision (ESPECIALLY after learning the why).

As an adult I left a church I worked at as an employee and a member of the church...there was great conflict. The pastor got kicked out 1 1/2 years after I left. The process was started when I was there. I, like Becky D., was being pulled hard, and as a missionary to a Christian camp, we chose not to have our family in the middle of any conflict.

When a person of influence in a church is not right for the church, it is hard!

There is a book I recommend you read, especially if you are planning on serving on the board so your mind is clear. It is written from an evangelical Christian perspective, but the principles apply to your situation and you can definitely relate to them as you see fit.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/1556611609/?tag=pfamazon01-20

No matter what you decide, you are striving to put your child's well-being first, which is greatly commendable. I just caution you to make sure YOU are taken care of and fed. To serve in the middle of turmoil is downright draining and you need to have a good support structure for yourself.

I'd forgotten about that book! It is excellent!