Prayer for Decisions Concerning My Mom.

[ChefBeckyD]

There seem to be so many prayer request for tragic situations right now, and I debated whether to share this, but so many of you know the deal with my Mom, and have been praying and supporting me...I felt like I needed to share what has been happening.

Today, this site has been a God-send. When I haven't been joking and posting on here, I have been a mess - in tears, and sometimes sobbing. This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through, and I am having a difficult time processing and dealing with what to do.
(For those of you who don't know, My mom has Alzheimer's which is progressing at a very rapid rate.)

Today, I spent the morning on the phone with the Social Worker, and Home Care Nurse. My mom has been living w/ my brother and SIL, but my brother left for the Army just before Christmas. At that time, I really protested SIL being the one to care for my Mom. My older brother was supposed to come for Christmas, and he was going to take mom to live with his family, but because of the horrible weather, and his very short leave time (He is a Marine) that opportunity fell through. His next window of opportunity won't come until June or July.

Things have been rapidly deteriorating w/ my SIL. She resents me, because I didn't feel she could handle taking care of mom (She can't) She leaves mom alone for sometimes the whole day, and often, leaves her 2 boys (from a previous marriage) in the care of my mom while she is gone. That's like the blind leading the blind. My mom can't care for herself, let alone be responsible for anyone else! So, SIL has been purposely giving me wrong info, and not giving me info I need to help with mom's care. (like wrong phone #'s for the social worker, wrong dates for home care visits, etc...)

So - this morning, I was finally able to catch the social worker, and the home care nurse while they were with Mom. Basically, they've said that she is in danger staying where she is, and her Dr. had started the placement process for her to enter a nursing home. They must do this, or by law they will be required to report the situation to Adult Protective Services. IT breaks my heart to even type that - to think that my mom is in that situation. I try to be there as much as possible, but it's a good 45 minute drive to her house, and with my other responsibilities, I haven't been able to make it there every day, and then with us all being sick, I wasn't there for almost 3 weeks. I do talk to her several times a day.

So, I've been trying to find a nursing home in this area, but the ones where I would feel comfortable with my Mom's care - there is a 1-2 YEAR wait for a room in the Alzheimer's units. There is an opening in a Nursing Home on the other side of the State - in the town where my Aunt Judie lives (my mom's sister) and that is where they are wanting to place her.

I am having such a hard time letting my Mom go. She is my Mom. what more can I say. We've never had a difficult Mother/Daughter relationship. She has always been my biggest cheerleader and encourager - and I've always felt unconditionally loved and accepted by her. I am grieving right now, and my heart feels like it's being wrenched in about 10 different directions at once. Sometimes the pain is so intense.

Please pray that God will give me some peace, and that I will have the wisdom to make the right decisions, and the grace to be a peacemaker with my SIL, and that somehow, we will be able to make it through the next couple of weeks.

Just pray. And thanks for being my sounding board.

 

[nldavis321]

Becky ~My thoughts and prayers are with you. I cant imagine what you are going through, so I will just wish you well.~Nicole

 

[Janice Stroud]

Becky :angel:,

May God wrap his loving arms around you and hold you very tight. You will be in my heart as I sleep this night. God will help you extend your loving spirit to you SIL. Please know that we are your sisters and brothers in Christ and you will be in our prayers in the coming days. God Bless and sleep tight. Janice S.

 

[Crystal Patton]

I too have a great friendship with my Mom. I pray that you will have strength, wisdom and grace during this time. ((((hugs))))

 

[pcchefjane]

My heart goes out to you. Alzheimer's is so horrible! My dad had it 30 years ago when they were first starting to diagnose it. Know that she will be safer in the nursing home even though she is not close by. Alzheimer's patients must be under supervision constantly or they can be a real danger to themselves and other people. Your SIL may feel guilty that she can't care for your Mom and is in denial about her condition. Why else would she live children with her? Your DB maybe also and with him gone, she could feel she is letting him down. When you do place your Mom in the nursing home, surround her with family pictures so she can "see" them daily. Even include favorites of hers from the past. She needs to "know" who people are. Her sister being nearby will help as well. I will keep you all in my prayers. Dad had Alzheimer's for close to 5 years and was an invalid the last 3 years. It's the most horrible disease I can think of anyone having because it robs you of your memories...

 

[legacypc46]

Oh Becky, your post has brought tears to my eyes. Tremendous hugs.

I'm sorry to hear the closest available nursing center isn't nearby to you, but heartened your Aunt would be close by. As for your SIL, let that drama go for now. You don't need it. It sounds like she doesn't get it. Focus on your mom and helping her with this next transition. We're all here to give you a place to share. {{{{hugs}}}}

 

[Bren706]

Becky, I also have tears in my eyes as well after reading your post. I don't know what else to say, but my heart goes out to you. My thoughts will be with you. My father's wife tells me that she believes my father is in the early stages, and I can't even imagine what I will do when it gets worse (he is over 3 hours away).

 

[raebates]

Becky, I'm sure this is one of the most difficult decisions a person ever has to make. You know in your head that this is the best thing for your mom, but your heart has a hard time accepting that. You, your mom, and the rest of your family are in my prayers.

 

[Teresa Lynn]

Becky,
Sending prayers as you go through the next few difficult daysDoes your area have a group home for adults?
I know caring for them in home is very hard my Aunt suffered with it from the mid 1970's it does become dangerous to leave them at home. They do things that put themselves and others in danger.Love ya!
Teresa

 

[pamperedlinda]

Oh Becky - HUGS! I'm in tears with you.

 

[pampchefrhondab]

Becky, I am so sorry you are going through this. Here is a song which really helps me through the tough times in my life:

YouTube - Be Still My Soul by Selah

May it bring you peace.

 

[lacychef]

Big hugs to you Beck....can't even imagine what you're going through.

 

[ChefBeckyD]

Becky,
Sending prayers as you go through the next few difficult days

Does your area have a group home for adults?
I know caring for them in home is very hard my Aunt suffered with it from the mid 1970's it does become dangerous to leave them at home. They do things that put themselves and others in danger.

Love ya!
Teresa

Teresa - yes, there are group homes, and assisted living centers (DH works for one) but she is considered Level 3 care, and needs to be in a specific Alzheimer's Unit w/ lockdown, so she can't wander away. The Alzheimer's Units all have waiting lists.

 

[ChefBeckyD]

Thank you so much, all of you, for your prayers. I can't express how much it means to me to know you are there!


(and Rhonda - thanks for the song.)

 

[pamperedlinda]

Becky - I can't stop thinking about you this morning. And, I don't think I like your SIL very much. How irresponsible - does she do this just to piss you off? Or is she that daft? How old are her kids that she leaves with your mom? Are your brothers just as ticked about this as you? Can't your brother, the marine, get a short leave to help you get your mom settled into the care she needs? HUGS! I had an uncle with Alz....I watched my aunt wear herself out taking care of him, I only know a small percentage of what you are going through. Your mom is so fortunate to have you looking out for her.

 

[AnnieBee]

Oh Becky, I just saw this this morning. I am soo sorry to hear that things have progressed like this. I do pray that you will have peace about this decision. I'm sure that it will be a huge relief to know that she is safe and being well cared for, but I know the loss for you is huge... I wish I still lived in MI so you could come and stay whenever you would want to visit her!

I will also pray for your SIL and your relationship with her. She obviously hasn't handled herself well, but it sounds to me as though she has been overwhelmed too... It doesn't make any sense her leaving her own kids with your mom! It must be pretty tough for her with her DH gone too (I know I'd have a hard time handling that!), I wonder if she has been feeling over burdened and resentful... Anyway, that doesn't excuse her behaviour to you, but I do hope that the relationship can be mended before it gets worse and/or taints your relationship with your brother.

Well, I have to go, but hugs to you and prayers for your whole family.

Annabel

 

[KellyTheChef]

Becky, my heart is breaking reading your post...I know that God will be there for you and your mom, as well as the rest of your family. I can't even imagine how gut wrenching this is for you. I pray for the peace of God to fill your spirit, and that He guides and directs all of those who are currently trying to find a spot for your mom that is a good fit for her....that she will get the GOOD care that she needs and deserves. I wish I could give you a big hug and cry with you in person...you are a blessing to many others, I pray that now God overflows his blessings on YOU.
{{{HUGS}}}
and lots of love,
Kelly

 

[janetupnorth]

Becky - I will STILL pray for some miracle to get her closer to you. In the meantime, I will pray for comfort and peace for you.Love you!

 

[chefann]

Becky - I can't stop thinking about you this morning. And, I don't think I like your SIL very much. How irresponsible - does she do this just to piss you off? Or is she that daft? How old are her kids that she leaves with your mom? Are your brothers just as ticked about this as you? Can't your brother, the marine, get a short leave to help you get your mom settled into the care she needs?

Yeah! What she said!!

I wish I still lived in MI so you could come and stay whenever you would want to visit her!

On that note, I know that the "other side of the state" covers a huge area, but you're always welcome here, if it's convenient.

 

[nikked]

Oh, Becky. Praying...

 

[troggt]

here are a couple sites that might be of help, such as the alzheimer' foundation http://www.alzfdn.org/
and the alzhewimers associaltion Alzheimer's Association - Find Us Anywhere
hope you find some support, it isn't easy. God Bless

 

[tlag1986]

Becky I am sorry to hear about this situation. I know it is difficult to place someone in an Alzheimer unit.Prayers for your mother and for you for comfort.

 

[Jessie Jolly]

I will be praying...

 

[peichef]

Becky, my heasrt goes out to you. Reading your post brought back all kinds of memories of a similar situation with my grandfather.
I will pray that God will grant you and your mother peace, that she will get placed in the right facility to meet her needs, for the people handling her case, for family peace, and that a place will open for her nearer to you.

 

[ChefBeckyD]

Spent most of the evening on the phone with my big brother. I love him. We laughed, we cried, we planned. I wish he could be here with me, but I'm so glad we can at least talk. He had talked to my mom just before he talked to me, and she was quite lucid - he said they had a good conversation. I'm glad he got a chance to talk to her like that. As hard of a time as I'm having, he's having an even harder time, because he can't be here. He loves her like I do - although we grew up with 2 parents in the house, it was our mom who was our rock and our soft place to fall.

Be praying - there is a Nursing Home in the area that may have an opening. The home care nurse told me about it earlier, but I had dismissed it, because it doesn't have a very good reputation. But, DH talked to his boss at work (he works for an Assisted Living Center) and she said that it's under new ownership, and has completely changed, and then, DH's parents said that they are considering putting his grandma there, because it's improved so much. So, I talked to my brother about it tonight, and I am going to go do a tour of the facilities on Friday.

 

[pamperedlinda]

Wonderful news Becky! Hopefully the facility will be just what you are looking for.

 

[Ann F]

Becky,
My heart aches for all of you. You'll be in my prayers.

 

[raebates]

I pray God's guidance for you.

 

[lacychef]

I hope this place works out...let us know how the tour goes.

 

[rennea]

I don't know how I missed this thread before! We have chatted about your Mom before Becky and I still feel for your situation. This is so horrible that you have to go through this. I am keeping you in my thoughts and praying that this facility is open and perfect for you Mom.

 

[janetupnorth]

That may be some good news. ...and being close you can check on her.

 

[babywings76]

Oh I'm so sorry Becky!! I'm keeping you in my prayers! I hope this place you are looking into works out! Hang in there!

 

[Trish in Texas]

Becky, I pray that you and your family will find the strength and peace you need to handle this situation. My late father-in-law had Alzheimer's. We were able to care for him at home until he died because my mother-in-law was a nurse. When my 53-year-old sister-in-law got the early form of Alzheimer's, it progressed much faster. Our family was finally forced to put her in a lockdown Alzheimer's Unit. This was a good move because she had started running away from home. The best thing about the nursing home was how kind, considerate and loving the staff and physicians were. It really improved her quality of life in a way our family couldn't do. Yes, it was hard to do that, since she was several hours away. Although she died at 56, it was nice to know that there were special people who could help her when she became violent, belligerent and stopped eating.

I also recommend you get in touch with the Alzheimer's Association family support groups. They are a wealth of information and a good support system during trying times. You might also try http://alznews.org, an Alzheimer-related site. It has been a good source of information for me. If you have any questions, PM me. I'd be glad to help you any way I can.

God be with you each and every hour.

Trish in Texas
Independent Consultant

 

[chefsteph07]

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this, and I can understand your frustrations w/ SIL. I mean, your mom isn't HER mom, so she doesn't feel the connection to her. I can't understand or explain her reasons for giving her own child (You) misinformation, when at a time like this, everyone in the family should be banding together to care for her.

IF there is not an opening anytime soon, what are your options? Obviously, the case workers and everyone else doesn't think she's in the right place, so what are they going to do? Does anyone have POA over her? Can somoenel else other than SIL care for her?? Come over during the day and check in on things? It sounds like she is tryiing to alienate, and that's the last thing you need.

I cannot imagine what you are going through, and if it were my mom, I don't know what I would do, especially if I knew she was not getting the care from a family member that she needs and deserves.

 

[etteluap70PC]

All I can say Becky is my heart goes out to you. I hope you can find peace with your decisions.

 

[heat123]

Hugs n Prayers Becky!

 

[cookingwith_tara]

Becky ~ these thoughts of scripture came to my mind as I was reading your first post.

"Be still and know that I am God"

"All things work together for good to them who love God. To them who are the called according to His purpose"

"My peace I leave with you."

I"m praying that your mind will be clear and your heart open to receive wisdom and understanding. Not only in your mom's situation but also with you SIL. I love the "Kill them with kindness" phrase. It has worked in my family for a while now with a certain in-law. There's something in scripture pertaining to this (and I'm paraphrasing) "in so doing we shall reap coals of fire on their head". The Lord definitely has a sense a humor.

I'll continue to pray for you! My heart goes out to you and your family!

 

[Kitchen2u]

My prayers are with you and your family Becky!

 

[ChefBeckyD]

First, I want to apologize - many of you have pm'd or emailed me and although I have read and been so thankful for your support, I haven't responded. This is for a couple reasons. One reason is that I have been so busy trying to get things organized for my mom to move, and haven't been online much - just a couple minutes here and there.

Also, it's very emotional for me to go over everything - even in print, and often, I just don't have the emotional energy to explain everything. I've cried so much, and going over it makes me cry more.

AND - I ended up having to get a new computer, because mine died (again - and this time for good.) so I've been trying to get everything set up on my new MAC! (DH bought it for me - poor guy, I think it's all he knows to do right now to help me!) And Thanks again Ann for all of your help!

But - I wanted to let everyone know what is going on, to keep you up to date.
My mom will be moving to a Nursing Home on the other side of the state on Wednesday. After talking to her Home Care Nurse, and Psychologist, I decided that as much as it breaks my heart, it is probably what is best for mom. Her Psychologist says that she is excited about going, which is extremely rare, and to change that now could mean a huge set-back. Plus, she will be near my Aunt Judie, and she and my Mom are very close, and my mom is living in the past so much that Aunt J has become even more important to her.
I am going over to Mom's today to go through her belongings, and help her choose what to take with her. We have to go to the bank, and add Aunt J's name to her checking account (Aunt J is here right now to help), and we have to take Mom shopping for a new TV, because her's is too large to take with her. We also would like to get Mom's hair cut and permed, and probably some new clothes and underwear, and jammies.

I know all of that sounds mundane - but it's making me very emotional. Today is not a good day for Mom. She started calling me at 7:30 this morning, and has called probably 10-12 times so far. She is very confused, and this is making her lash out. Please pray for all of us today. Pray for a sense of peace for my Mom. It bothers me when she is so upset, and can't understand what is happening.

 

[tlag1986]

prayers coming your way.......

 

[pampchefrhondab]

Becky, thank you for the update. I am praying for you and will be thinking about you all day.

P.S. We got a great deal on a TV at Best Buy. They have their own brand of LCD which is much cheaper then others. We are very happy w/ours!

Take Care,

 

[pamperedlinda]

Prayers and Hugs Becky!

 

[chefann]

Big hugs, Becky. http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb315/chefann1138/smilies/slider_grouphugg.gif If you need to talk (or vent), you've got my number.

 

[rennea]

{{{hugs}}} coming your way Becky.

 

[chefjeanine]

Becky,

{{{hugs}}} I'm praying for you. I have only an inkling of how much this hurts. . .

 

[heather223]

Hugs and prayers coming your way Becky.

 

[Curlyone]

My prayers are with you and your family.

 

[D Levad]

My dad has alzheimers and we just had to put him in the ward a few months ago. It has been so very hard to do. My mom died of cancer almost 5 years ago now and dad was getting bad before she died. We felt like we lost both parents at the same time. He managed to be in assisted living until he was getting lost on walks and could not find his way home.
My prayers are with you! Just know that you are doing what is best for your mom. She took care of you when you needed it and now you are doing what is best for her, even though she does not realize it. Sometimes doing the right thing is the hardest thing to do.
This is such a nasty disease and I do hope some day they will figure out a way to cure it.. Has she been on the alz meds? Namenda and aricept. They do help some what.

Last year I did an Alzheimers fund raiser and we raised over 500 dollars. I hope to keep doing them every year now.

Keep your head up and I will be praying for you..

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Becky... I'm praying for you and your Mom. I'll pray that God just wraps you in his big strong arms and showers you with love and peace. Please feel free to email me at work if you just need to talk, vent, cry, share---whatever. I will be here for you as best I can with living in another state altogether.
Love ya!!

 

[heat123]

Hugs and Prayers for you today Becky!