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Should I Give in to Pressure and Have a Baby Now or Wait for a House?

baby!!! Third, I am hearing this from everyone, not just people in my family. I have been pregnant and have three kids. I adore my nieces and nephews to pieces and I would love to have a baby but I am not going to have one just because it is the "right" thing to do. I am not going to wait until I am too old and DH is too old. I am going to have a baby when the time is right for me and DH. I am not going to have one just because the people around me are having babies. I have a husband and a grandson that I love and I am going to do what is best for us.
wadesgirl
Gold Member
11,412
This is completely off topic but I need some help and guidance and to see if there is anyone else going through what I am. I want a baby! DH and I have decided to be responsible and wait until we get a house to have a baby. The biggest problem is everyone around me! I’m hearing it from all sides “When are you having a baby?” “Just go off the pill” etc. I would love to have a baby right now but I know the right thing to do for us. There are a lot of people who are pregnant around me, two coworkers, four cousins, etc. Along with a lot of people who were married after us that are getting pregnant. I’ve been working very hard this year on myself since all my issues in the spring (for those who remember) but this is totally dragging me down. Talking to DH does nothing because the last time he was so negative about the situation he went back to this “I don’t even want kids, we cannot afford them” thing. My family is just as bad. I’m constantly bombarded with the baby question, including SIL who got her DH snipped after two kids but says she wants more babies around. The last time she said something I told her that if she gave us enough money for a down payment on a house I would have a baby for her. DH thought I was rude but I’m so sick of it. SIL makes enough money to not have to worry about these kind of things. I’ve been an aunt since I was 10, my sister has 5 kids. I adore her kids completely, I’ve always said that they are my babies until I have my own but it’s no longer fulfilling the need inside of me because I don’t get to see them that often. Then there are people around me who have babies who shouldn’t (ex best friend has two she could care less about). Why is it that these people can be so irresponsible and I have to be so responsible about this?! I do go back for a 6 month check up with my doctor so I’m going to talk with him about this if I get the nerve to. I just need a shoulder to lean on right and really have no one around me I can spill to. I love my sister with all my heart but she’s been one of the biggest pushers for me to have a baby. I’m know I’m not getting any younger (I’m 27, I'm not that old though) but my biggest thought is DH. He’s 38 and I don’t want him to be too old when our kids are older. Along with the fact that his parents would love to have more grandbabies and his dad’s health isn’t exactly the best. I would love to give his dad another grandbaby. In my mind if we wait and his dad is no longer around, I’ll feel so bad. DH’s sister passed away over 5 years ago and wasn’t able to have kids and his only brother is done having kids so we are the only ones left in his family. I’m rambling on now but I feel so much more comfortable telling my virtual “family” about this than talking with anyone close to me.
 
considering-he is 10+ older he will truly enjoy them the younger he is--We got married and had 3 in 4years- none of which we were prepared for-its one of those times in your life is it ever the perfect time?Talk to DH and plan a goal-of when is it rite for him you and compromise!! HUGS!
 
First, You are not alone, my daughter-n-law wants a baby so bad it is really becoming a strain of their marriage. When they had my grandson they were totally not ready, newly wed, bought their first home, both of them got laid off just after she got pregnate. They got by, with tons of $ help from family. They are still struggling today, and my son wants them to be self sufficient and able to stand on their feet alone.

Second, I am 45, my son is 28 (from a previous relationship) and my daughter is 18 - My husband is 62, yes 62. Our grandson is 5. Hubby, is loving the grandson time!!! he feels that our grandson, is keeping him healthy, there is so much that they do together walking, playing, fishing, sports, reading the list goes on and on. But my point here is - It isn't about the physical age of a person, its about the love and sharing of that love that is timeless. I do relize that DH may miss alot of the adult life of Grandson do to his age, but the relationship that they have now will afffect Grandsons life forever. My son and wife are working so hard to keep afloat that they are missing alot of time with their son. It is a real balance act.

I'm not saying wait forever, but I am saying that waiting until you can provide the needs is a responsable act. I can only tell you that when our daughter-n-law starts in on the baby talk. My son feels really bad! and guilty that he always says NO not now. He feels like a failure as a provider for their family. He hates to say NO, but he does relize that it takes $ for the things a family needs.
 
I had my first at 28, second at 30. Do what is right for your family - ignore the pressure. All my friends had kids before me. My oldest is the age of their 2nd, 3rd, or 4th kids - oh well! It won't matter when they are older.Talk to DH about how you are feeling - again! But decide amongst yourselves, don't let others decide for you.
 
Relax. You are not very old at all, and you have lots of time to get your life in order before you have children. That your husband is a few years older than you is irrelevant. When the time is right, he'll make a wonderful father....even if he is 40, 45, 50, or even older than that.

I wanted my life to be in order before we had children, too. It was a struggle, because the desire to have a baby far outweighed the desire to do the right thing. But we persevered and we did wait.

Both my husband and I are the same age (he's just six months older than I am). I was a month shy of 43 when our son was born. I am now 45, and the mother to an active, hands-full soon-to-be 3 year old. My life is wonderful now....my husband and I are both settled in our careers making very good money, living in a home filled with love, DH is about to start his Doctorate program in January, our vehicles are paid for, and our bills are very manageable. We thoughtfully put ourselves in a position where we could invite a baby into our lives to a baby in the right way, and I'm so thankful that we did.

Please, don't discount the decision that you and your husband made. If he's not ready to have a child right now, do not force a baby on him in a manipulative way, or try to get pregnant behind his back or without his knowledge. He'll only resent you and the baby for it. Ignore the pressure from family members and instead focus on the task at hand, and create a warm and welcoming home for you to bring your darling baby home to.

Good luck!
 
I totally agree w/Bad Girl. Ignore the pressure you are getting from everyone else. You need to do what is best for you. I would wait until you have a house - which is what my husband and I did. If I had to do over I would have waited even longer. I was not able to stay home with my children. If I had waited I would have been able to be a stay at home Mom. It hurts whenever I think of all the things I missed out on while I was at work when they were little. Luckily by the third I did work part-time.

We always seem to want what we don't have. Trust me there are many who are probably jealous of you because you have a lot more freedom then those w/kids:)!
 
First of all, you have to do what is best for you and your situation. It is so annoying to have people asking all the time when are you having a baby?? Hello, babies are expensive and a huge time commitment, you just don't jump into it. When I see on the new these babies left in dumpsters or that were killed by a parent, I think it is mostly because the parents weren't ready and just snapped. Too many people have babies for the wrong reasons.
That is another topic for another day.

I was 22 when I had Kyle, on the pill, totally unepxpected and was not ready. I do not regret one day though that I had him. It was hard and exhausting, but you do what you have to do whne life hands you something unexpected. Kyle is now 16 and I am happy to be a young, hip mom. I had Regan at 35 and Parker at 36. Kids are wonderful, but you know when the time is right for you and don't let anyone get you down about what you and your husband decide to do. Having said that, if your husband is undecided, that is an issue you need to work through together without anyone interfereing in your personal business. Having a family is a huge responsibility and commitment and it comes easier for some people than others. Some people can handle 8 kids no problem, I know my max is 3 and there are days I wonder if I should ahve had that many;) I love my kids more than life and I am blessed to have them as they bring me so much joy and happiness, but along with that they can bring sleepless nights, exhaustion and frustration. I wouldn't trade any of it, but in the end you have to do what is right for you and screw everyone else who is all up in your business. I agree with your comment, if your family wants to give you money for house and kids, then go ahead and pop out a baby, until them shut the he$$ UP!!!!!
Good luck girl, I'll be thinking about ya!:)
 
I'm with you! We've been trying for 12+ years, but DH doesn't really want more. He has two from his practice marriage. They are grown and have children of their own. It is painful to want something so badly, and have it be so far out of reach. Pray that God will soften your husband's heart to having a child.

My husband is still not on the foster care bandwagon, after adoption no longer being an option for us, but he is willing to "keep trying" for our own. It is going to be a miracle baby!!

Hugs to you, and know that I COMPLETELY understand how you feel!!!

(I do not have spell check on CS while at work- sorry for the spelling errors)
 
Been there hon.... It will happen when the time is right!

I was 31 when DD was born, 35 when DS was born. In my late 20's I thought it would never happen. Things tend to fall into place.

Hang in.... {{{HUG}}}
 
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  • Thread starter
  • #10
Thanks! I know that DH and I have so much more time together before we have children and I know that I don't need one right now. I guess the biggest thing is all the pressure from our families. How do I tell them (nicely) that we just aren't ready yet? They just don't listen when we tell them we want a house first.
 
  • #11
wadesgirl said:
Thanks! I know that DH and I have so much more time together before we have children and I know that I don't need one right now. I guess the biggest thing is all the pressure from our families. How do I tell them (nicely) that we just aren't ready yet? They just don't listen when we tell them we want a house first.

Now that's the hard part!

I'd just say butt out and mind your own business unless you are going to pay for every expense of the child. Tell them you guys will have kids when you two are good and ready to, not when someone else says and their bugging you just puts unnecessary strain on your guys.

Maybe you should start bugging them about something...????

(Insert evil grin here...)
 
  • #12
When people ask "when are you having kids" they don't realize how rude it is and how hurtful it can be. We have been married for 12 years so I know how it can be. Since my miscarriage not a single person has asked again go figure!!

Here is a good reply I read on a etiquette website:

I will forgive you for asking if you forgive me for not answering. I have used that reply and received some very stunned looks but it made me feel better.

When and if you are having children is nobody's business but you and your husbands.

It will happen when the time is right, and remember you have lots of time:)
 
  • #13
Kitchen Diva said:
He has two from his practice marriage.

Love that saying. I will have to tell my friends that have "practice marriages" to use that.

How long have you been married? I would just say listen we want to do this right and make sure we have what we need to make it work well for us. We waited 8 years before having my DS I was 30.

I think you need to just tell your family and friends to back off. It's not just about having the baby it's about paying the bills, and boy are there added bills once you bring that baby home. Do you get to say home with the baby or do you put the baby in daycare, that's more bills. Paying for diapers, formula, clothes, doctor bills. It takes a lot to have a baby, and you want to do it right.

I used to get asked a lot when I was having more kids. What bugged me the most is what if I couldn't have more? People that I didn't even know well would ask. It used to drive me crazy.

Good luck.
 
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  • #14
Chef Michelle D said:


Love that saying. I will have to tell my friends that have "practice marriages" to use that.

How long have you been married? I would just say listen we want to do this right and make sure we have what we need to make it work well for us. We waited 8 years before having my DS I was 30.

I think you need to just tell your family and friends to back off. It's not just about having the baby it's about paying the bills, and boy are there added bills once you bring that baby home. Do you get to say home with the baby or do you put the baby in daycare, that's more bills. Paying for diapers, formula, clothes, doctor bills. It takes a lot to have a baby, and you want to do it right.

I used to get asked a lot when I was having more kids. What bugged me the most is what if I couldn't have more? People that I didn't even know well would ask. It used to drive me crazy.

Good luck.

We've been married just over two years, been together almost 6.

It used to be okay when they asked all the time but now it's really starting to bother me. I never understood how people felt when this happened to them, now I do! I'll never bug my brother again about marrying his girlfriend! He gets the brunt of that end all the time from different family members.
 
  • #15
Allison, I'm a little confused (forgive me). If no one was asking you when you were going to have a baby (in other words, if everyone learned to be polite and leave you alone!), would your desire still be so strong? Or, is it really just the outside pressure?

Another question - are you only waiting until you can buy a house, or are you struggling financially right now, as well?

When we got pregnant with our first-born (son), we were barely getting by financially (but, at least we weren't dependent on help from anyone), so there was some concern (among DH and me, not anyone in the family), about whether we could afford it. Then DH, who is from El Salvador, said there is a saying in his language, which I won't be able to translate perfectly, but you'll get the point: "When God provides the baby, he also provides the bread." God has been providing ever since.

Regarding the house - if this is your only financial concern - keep in mind that it is not the house which makes the home, it's your love for each other and for your child. Also, for the first few years the baby won't know, or care, where you're living, or if you own or rent.

On the other hand, if your stress is coming from those well-meaning outside sources, Rennea's quote is perfect!
 
  • #16
*hugs*!!!! You're in a hard situation, but I agree with all the other postings.. your time will come... probably not the answer you wanted I'm sure. We waited until after we had a few anniversaries and then we were ready for kids.. It should be mutual, but I know your feelings.. we struggled for almost 4 years with fertility issues until we had our son, we had pretty much given up at that point when I got pregnant. So it's tough... you always notice things like other women being pregnant around you when you are ready too.. that's natural for sure!! heck I see some and think just maybe I want one more.. Maybe you can really talk to DH.. honestly there is never a perfect time for a baby.. house or no house.. money or no money.. (yes to an extent!).. I wish for you the best and tell your family to back off and they're starting to hurt your feelings about it all. I think most of the time family and friends are doing it to be funny and yes sometimes they do what more babies.. but let them know how you feel and lay it out flat that it's beginning to REALLY bother and hurt your feelings.

good luck!
 
  • Thread starter
  • #17
pampchefsarah said:
Allison, I'm a little confused (forgive me). If no one was asking you when you were going to have a baby (in other words, if everyone learned to be polite and leave you alone!), would your desire still be so strong? Or, is it really just the outside pressure?

Another question - are you only waiting until you can buy a house, or are you struggling financially right now, as well?

When we got pregnant with our first-born (son), we were barely getting by financially (but, at least we weren't dependent on help from anyone), so there was some concern (among DH and me, not anyone in the family), about whether we could afford it. Then DH, who is from El Salvador, said there is a saying in his language, which I won't be able to translate perfectly, but you'll get the point: "When God provides the baby, he also provides the bread." God has been providing ever since.

Regarding the house - if this is your only financial concern - keep in mind that it is not the house which makes the home, it's your love for each other and for your child. Also, for the first few years the baby won't know, or care, where you're living, or if you own or rent.

On the other hand, if your stress is coming from those well-meaning outside sources, Rennea's quote is perfect!
I have always wanted children since I was little! I grew up in an non-existant family if you get what I mean so I couldn't wait to have a family of my own. It makes it harder for me with all the pressure, I'd probably be fine if I didn't have to hear it week after week. And I'm talking like every time we see family, they always ask!

Money isn't an issue in my mind, we aren't struggling. I know that when we have kids, we'll make it work no matter what. But right now, we live in a run down trailer while we save for a house and it's in a town where I don't want to raise children. I don't want to get stuck in this town by having kids now, that's one of the big motivators for waiting until we have a house because we are looking in smaller towns than where we live now. Plus I'm not getting stuck in this trailer with kids - no offense to anyone - there is almost not enough room for DH and I plus our two cats!
 
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  • #18
Jess_K said:
*hugs*!!!! You're in a hard situation, but I agree with all the other postings.. your time will come... probably not the answer you wanted I'm sure. We waited until after we had a few anniversaries and then we were ready for kids.. It should be mutual, but I know your feelings.. we struggled for almost 4 years with fertility issues until we had our son, we had pretty much given up at that point when I got pregnant. So it's tough... you always notice things like other women being pregnant around you when you are ready too.. that's natural for sure!! heck I see some and think just maybe I want one more.. Maybe you can really talk to DH.. honestly there is never a perfect time for a baby.. house or no house.. money or no money.. (yes to an extent!).. I wish for you the best and tell your family to back off and they're starting to hurt your feelings about it all. I think most of the time family and friends are doing it to be funny and yes sometimes they do what more babies.. but let them know how you feel and lay it out flat that it's beginning to REALLY bother and hurt your feelings.

good luck!

I think I'm going to call my sister tonight and talk to her about it. I can always talk to her. She's not always pestering me about it, DH's family is a lot worse about it.
 
  • #19
If you say you are not struggling with money have you started to look for a house? Have you gotten appoved for a mortage? Maybe you can get the house you want and you don't know it yet. I can understand wanting to live in the right town to raise a family. It's a buyers market right now so if you can afford it now would be the time to buy a house.
 
  • #20
I agree with Michelle - look for that house now. We were actually looking for another house to rent when our real estate agent suggested we 'just try for a loan.' We've been living in our own house for 3 years now!
 
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  • #21
We have started looking, went and looked at one house, have looked at several online. Two years ago, DH and I were both laid off when our company closed. He's so worried about that happening again. And we both work for the same company again so if anything happened we would both be laid off.
 
  • #22
I was 40 with my first DD and 42 with the second. I KNOW what it's like to want a baby, and I KNOW what it's like to watch everyone around you having them. I will tell you I have a definite advantage over my friends who had children early on. While they were busy buying all the stuff kids need, I was putting money in my IRA and savings. Time is on my side! They are all starting to worry about not having enough to retire on, and I'm buying kids stuff!! Also, a very wise woman once told me, there is only one true shortcut in life, other peoples experience. There is nothing more true when it comes to kids, I watched my friends, go thru some stuff with kids, teachers etc, and I learned a few lessons!! This is not what I would have planned, but it was out of my hands. And if your looking for something to say to people who ask when are you going to have a baby; "It's out of our hands" and then change the subject, they never ask again!!! And that's not an untrue, it is out of your hands right now.
 
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  • #23
pjpamchef said:
I was 40 with my first DD and 42 with the second. I KNOW what it's like to want a baby, and I KNOW what it's like to watch everyone around you having them. I will tell you I have a definite advantage over my friends who had children early on. While they were busy buying all the stuff kids need, I was putting money in my IRA and savings. Time is on my side! They are all starting to worry about not having enough to retire on, and I'm buying kids stuff!! Also, a very wise woman once told me, there is only one true shortcut in life, other peoples experience. There is nothing more true when it comes to kids, I watched my friends, go thru some stuff with kids, teachers etc, and I learned a few lessons!! This is not what I would have planned, but it was out of my hands. And if your looking for something to say to people who ask when are you going to have a baby; "It's out of our hands" and then change the subject, they never ask again!!! And that's not an untrue, it is out of your hands right now.


Thanks for the great words.
 
  • #24
Hey, I know how you feel. I was the aunt at 14 to my sister's kids. Then the other sister had kids. Then a brother.

I had my first son when I was definitely NOT settled. I love my son - and the other son and the daughter - but when I got pregnant with Nate, I had been married for only 3 months, we were living in an apartment, and DH had passed the bar, but was working at a motel.

We struggled quite a bit. If I could go back in time and waited 2 or 3 years before having Nate (and making sure I could have NATE...I love him!), I would.

Tell your well-meaning, but nosey family that it's going to be a few years and they'll be the first to know otherwise. If that doesn't work, ask them if they'd like to be there for the conception. :)
 

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