Personal Am I Just Looking for Someone to Complain to About My In-Laws' Wedding?

[pcsharon1]

I guess I am just looking for someone to complain to. There has been a lot going on.

First, there is my sis-in-laws wedding. This wedding has been an obsession with my husbands entire family since she got engaged last year. I've had a lot of trouble dealing with how overboard they are all going. Mainly because they were horrible to me when my husband and I got married. They thought we were too young (we were very young, 18-19) and really didn't want any part of anything. They would ask me things like "what do we have to pay for? We don't have money to waste on flowers? We've figured out that the cheapest way to do the rehearsal dinner is to grill" Stuff like that. Well now my sis-in-law is getting married, to someone we have all only met a couple times (they haven't even known one another a year yet) and she gets whatever she wants. That's not the real problem. They expect us to come. We live in Colorado and they are in Virginia. My husband is active duty army and they will give him a 3-day pass. Which means we would have to fly in on Friday and back by Sunday. And it's just over $500 a ticket. I can't pay nearly $1600 for the three of us to go somewhere overnight - but that's what they expect. So every time we hear from them all they want to talk about is the wedding, and are we coming, and why aren't we coming. My husband is planning to go alone and I know they are going to give him a hard time while he's there because we didn't all come.

Then there is my husband who insists that even though we are paying $500 for him to fly to the wedding that we still have to buy her an expensive wedding gift because it will look bad if we don't. I think him being there is a great gift or he can stay here and we can send her cookware!:chef: (ordered in her name and paid full price for so it can count as a show!)

Then the final straw came yesterday when my husband told me he is up for a specialized school - Master Gunner school for those of you who are/know military - that would be a big benefit to him in the future and in getting promoted:thumbup:. If he gets picked up for it, which seems probable, he leaves on August 28th for Georgia and won't be back until December 23rd. :thumbdown: That's another four months of him being away. He just got back from a year in Iraq in March. :grumpy: Now we are just waiting to see if the orders come through.

Also, if we are going to make this a little PC related..............my June is very slow, not what you want in a sell-a-thon month.

Thanks for letting me rant a little!

 

[raebates]

I'm so sorry, Sharon. You vent away!Family can be crazy-making. And, having been a military spouse (USMC), my heart is with you as he's in school.

 

[Cathy pclady]

I come from a LARGE family and know the problems of wedding/parties where you are expected to attend. We also got married young and had a tiny wedding because of social differences between the families (alcohol/smoking issues) but then attended huge wedding and wondered why the fuss and $$ only to see a separation a few yrs down the road. We now do a pros and cons style discussion and most often stay at home. It is great to see all the family but at what cost to our immediate family.
If I was in your shoes, I would explain to his family that 'sorry, due to hubby's possible career school training and that he would only have a 3 day pass for the wedding (which is not long enough for a good visit) that you can not attend'.
By not attending you can save the $$ for a mini holiday to see you hubby while he is doing the specialized schooling..... now on the PC note... pick up the phone and book shows and then you could be/will be working the weekend of the wedding.

 

[esavvymom]

It isn't easy, but when the question comes up again about if you are coming, and why you are NOT coming, just say "We can't afford it, unless someone wants to buy us the tickets or has airline miles to donate." They either accept it, or they don't. As far as a gift- put together a nice PC gift for her (buy it this month or a month you need the sales)- doesn't have to be HUGE or cookware. You can put together a very nice basket of things. It's not like a newlywed couple isn't registered and needing KITCHEN things, right?! If your DH is away during the wedding, that would certainly make it easier....so I'd tell them that you don't know if he'll even be in town then.Sometimes, you have to stand up and be an adult to your parents/family (yours OR his). I know when I got married, I did. My parents were ticked I wasn't getting married in their hometown. They didn't even have a "church"- they met in a Retirement home with a pastor I didn't know. I lived in Iowa at the time for almost 3 years and HAD a home/church/pastor that we loved. I said "You can come, or not. I'm getting married HERE." They came, and we all lived happily ever after- but man was that hard!! I hung up the phone and sobbed. (I was the oldest, so they never thought he was good enough until after.)Anyway- best of luck. Take a deep breath when the phone rings the next time, and talk to your DH. At some point, either he or you will have to say it clearly....and with love of course.

 

[smart2cook]

I too truly understand the feelings and frustrations. Doesn't the "guilt" stuff work well LOL!
But I agree with everyone here, once you got married, you now became a family of your own and that family comes first now.
Coming from a family of being the oldest of 6 children-moving across the US due to Military, I was expected to come home for everything at my expense (family in tow). We were the "only" ones that paid financially for all of this. Finally, I just said, I am not doing this anymore. We are expected to come visit all of you, but if you would all like to take a collection for how much it would cost you to come see us and pay our way-we would be happy to come-it's always at our expense and we cannot afford it.
Funny how they didn't want to see us that bad LOL. We stopped going and I don't feel guilty at all. I can't afford it and it is that simple.
I loved that someone else suggested that someone donate their Free miles even.
Hope you feel better that you are not the only one this happens too!

 

[ShellBeach]

Then there is my husband who insists that even though we are paying $500 for him to fly to the wedding that we still have to buy her an expensive wedding gift because it will look bad if we don't. I think him being there is a great gift

This is his sister, right? I think he should just ask her, does she want him at the wedding, or a nice gift. I'd hope she'd say HIM.
A friend of mine got married out-of-state, I did end up going and I told her pretty much the same thing. With the cost of the flight and hotel, she wasn't getting a wedding present. We are still friends 20 yrs later.

I also like the idea of asking everyone to pitch in for the cost of you all to go!

 

[chefhutch04]

I know what your feeling! This just recently happened to us. my SIL got married June 4th and they whole family wanted us to come..well we are stationed in germany..just for tickets alone were 4500!! thats not including renting a car, food, diapers an so on. they were really upset and it really made hubby very upset/sad. we did the courthouse thing so they didnt have to spend a dime. and when we had a going away/wedding reception his family was less than thrilled but mine when we went back to pa were very happy for us. For SIL's wedding I put some stuff together for her from pampered chef..i did the flexible cutting boards, small batter bowls, clock/timer, mini mix n' scraper, mini measure all cup, stonewar cookie sheet, mini whisk an when she got it she freeaked out an loved it.
Congrats on your hubby for going to the specialized school..i leave in a few days for a TDY for a month then in Sept I am suppose to deploy and then next July seperate. im hoping things change and i dont have to deploy i will be so depressed to leave my 2 sons for that time. but the tax free money would be good for when i get out!

 

[BethCooks4U]

I also like the idea of asking everyone to pitch in for the cost of you all to go!

It would be nice but as the one who moved away I know that they don't understand. It's like "well, you're the one who left so you should come back when there are any events and at your own cost". After all its not their fault you moved. And yes a gift is expected.When we visit family we are expected to pay when we go out for meals (and no they do not cook for us or invite us over for a meal) and when they visit us we are expected to provide all the meals whether it's at our home or restaurants. And that's just the start of it.

Families... Gotta love 'em.

To the OP: do what works for your family. Be nice and tell them what it would cost and that it's too much for you at this time. If they don't understand too bad. They will get over it.

 

[colegrovet]

you can always have someone in the family do a show while your in VA (take MFP and make salsa).. trip becomes a tax write off...

 

[sherri lynn]

We had this situation last year with my niece. We live in Missouri and she lived in Arizona. Well, we did not have money for 5 of us to fly, so we drove and that was her wedding gift from us. I have a friend in town that flew to the same wedding and she told me etiquitte (sp) stated that when it is a destination wedding that a gift is not necessary. We spent total, all together, about 4,000 driving, eating, staying at hotels, and then they split several months ago. I was livid that we had all saved and spent so much money going, getting wardrobes for the trip, ect, paying a sitter for 5 days for my 5 children, I could go on and on! LOL I guess I needed to vent and didnt know it. If I were in the sister's shoes, I would want my brother there, but with the military, she should understand the sacrificies they sometimes have to make. All you can do is send your love and good wishes, I know you have to send a gift, but I wouldn't get all hung up on it. And after the wedding, it may all be forgotten. I know it was in our case. Sorry for the @itching, that wedding experience for me was just awful.

 

[ShellBeach]

you can always have someone in the family do a show while your in VA (take MFP and make salsa).. trip becomes a tax write off...

Well, part of it would be a write off - husband and kid's fares would not - and even though it's a write-off, it's still a $500 plane ticket.

 

[heather223]

I completely understand your pain! My husbands family did this when his brother got married last year. We live in OH and his brother lives in Chicago. Where was the wedding? In St. Thomas. I was 7 months pregnant and we were expected to be there no matter what. His mom went overboard on what she spent for his brothers wedding and paid for nothing at ours. Our gift (which we were very grateful for) was watching our kids while on our honeymoon. At any rate, I still regret going to this day. It was the most miserable trip of my life and I spent more money on it then we did on our 7 day honeymoon. I say do what you feel is best, they will all get over it in time!

 

[pcsharon1]

Thanks everybody. Maybe I was feeling like I was the problem and it's helped to have people understand.

I would love to do a show while I was there but it wouldn't be possible because we would get there the day of the rehearsal and leave right after the wedding. Basically we'd be paying almost $1600 for an overnight trip and not even get to see my family while we were there.

The thing that has bothered us the most is that she made a big deal of asking us when we could be there and we told her if it was anytime between mid-April to mid-June we should be able to swing it. It's July 30th. They couldn't do it in April or early May because he is a landscaper and that is his busy time with planting. I get that! They would lose money for him to take that time off. But they couldn't do it the last week of May-mid June because she couldn't get a photographer that she wanted. As far as we are concerned she cares more about who took the pictures than who was in them. (Did I mention that I have been a paid photographer in the past but was told that only a PROFESSIONAL could give her pictures she's be satisfied with?)

We have considered my son and I going early and staying late to visit my family, because my grandmother isn't doing well, but now that my husband may be leaving again we don't want to be apart for a week or two right before he leaves.

Oh, and his unit is on 72 hour wildfire alert! Meaning, I could buy the tickets and two days before he's supposed to leave he could get pulled for wildfire fighting in any state west of the Rockies. Then I've spent $500 for a ticket he isn't even going to get to use..........

 

[babywings76]

No, I wouldn't do it. Hearing all your circumstances, I'd tell them that the timing isn't going to work. You feel bad not being able to go, but his schedule and everything is too up in the air. The tickets are a lot of money and then to have a risk that he can't even be there?! Plus, you never get to see him and are only going to have a certain amount of valuable time with him, they need to understand. Tell them you'll be there in spirit and can't wait to see the pictures and will be sure to send them a VERY generous gift. (Love the cookware idea!)

At least that's what I would do.

My husband is one of 9 kids and they almost all live in Utah now. We have a hard time with going out there every summer to visit them. One year 2 of his sisters were getting married. They chose to do it too far apart, so we had to make 2 separate trips to go. We kept the kids home (except my son who I was nursing at the time) with my parents for the second one. My in-laws kept making comments about what a shame our other kids couldn't come. (UGH! THEY WERE JUST HERE! WE ARE NOT MADE OF MONEY!) Paying for airfare for all of us, then needing to rent a minivan because we don't all fit in a car, then meals, meals for other people because it always seems we end up treating his parents out for meals and buying groceries whereever we end up staying, etc. It's expensive!)

And they want us out there for the big family reunion of his mom's whole side of the family. Well, if we do that, then we don't get any real quality time w/ his family because it's spent with som many other people. And then we spend all our extra money going out there to see them for the obligatory visit, but then we don't have any money for a fun family vacation. We told them that we aren't going out there this summer because we had saved up all our money and paid off our student loan (YAY! WE'RE DEBT FREE!) and now don't have any extra for vacations. Next year we want to go to Disney, so that means another year where we won't go out to see them...So they all hate the fact that their precious favorite son married an "East Coaster". :grumpy:

(Okay, sorry for my little rant addition to the thread! :blushing

 

[esavvymom]

The planes fly both ways, Amanda.

 

[babywings76]

The planes fly both ways, Amanda.

Yep! Thankfully his parents have come out to see us, which was really nice. A lot of his siblings really can't afford to fly out here. So it comes off as why inconvenience sooo many families to accomodate one, we should be the ones to come out. Honestly, though, I think they are more understanding now. Just every now and then a comment gets made. But we have to do what we can afford and feel comfortable doing, and balance that with making sacrifices now and then to keep the family happy.

 

[ShellBeach]

We wised up after one trip back home, running ourselves ragged with a rental car and trying to visit everyone on both sides of the family.
I plopped myself at my folks' house and he stayed at his. We told people to come see us, since we didn't have a car. That was before kids, but it would still be do-able.

 

[smart2cook]

I agree with Amanda and the others. I know that some will shutter when I say this but if you sit back for a moment and look at what other's do with "their" money and choose to do with it, it comes down to priority.
Sometimes, our family members (yes, if we left and they are all in one location, they DO expect us to pay to come back to visit and PAY dearly) just don't realize how much it is costing us financially and otherwise.
They are very quick to say they cannot afford it. Imagine how little it would be if our large family's all pitched in for our flights so we could actually ALL enjoy our visits but when I hear of them going on their vacations to Hawaii, cruises etc...it comes down to what's important to them.
You must do what is best for you and your family and I don't see how going to this wedding is best for your family on any level. The timing is horrible he is on call so to speak and he may not be able to go if you purchase a ticket. That in itself is reason enough to say I'm sorry but we cannot come.
He is in the Military but even if he wasn't -some jobs etc... are not accomodating.
My husbands mother was having a huge b-day party for herself for her 75th Birthday in Texas. We were all in Washington State and my husband's work would not let him off.
We spent the holiday without my husband so he could attend without us as we couldn't afford for all of us to go and he went for the weekend.
He did not have a good time and was really upset that he was away from us. He felt that we should have all been together no matter what.
Just another example. I think you have to feel good about it and don't let guilt get you.
They do get over it.

 

[BethCooks4U]

I agree with Amanda too. With the additional info that your husband may not end up being able to use his ticket I would say that you can't afford the $500 for a maybe trip. Just tell them now. You told them a wide range of time they could have chosen from and they picked a time out of that range. You've done all you can to try to make it but it just won't work out. They'll get over it. What about your husband? How is he feeling or is it all pressure from his family?We missed my mother's 70th party and everyone managed to forgive us. My family is doing a big reunion and 50th anniversary for my uncle and aunt in early August knowing that I ALWAYS go to Chicago and Milwaukee in early July. I can't afford the cost or time to go back to Milwaukee again just a few weeks later so we will regretfully miss it. It is what it is. Sorry. We all have to make our choices.

 

[pampered1224]

I am only going to say one thing - THEY ARE NUTS thinking that you could do that financially let alone time wise!!!!
Oh and one more thing your hubby will not like, it is his family. You should not be worrying about anything including explaining to them. That is his job. Pat and I ran into a we simply can not do this thing with his family. I spent about 2 weeks arguing on the phone with his oldest brother. I finally got fed up, handed Pat the phone and told him, "He is your brother. Why I am talking to him? MAN UP!" I have never had to do it again. And there have been more times when Pat would have let me had I not given him the evil eye! I told I have enough problems with my family. Why the heck do I want to deal with yours?

 

[raebates]

John, you are right. His family, his problem. I know it can be hard when his family is mad at you. I have one brother-in-law who hates me. And, I don't say that lightly. I also have a mother-in-law who, though I love her, sometimes does and says very odd and sometimes hurtful things. I never address those things. If The Furry Guy feels it's worth addressing (meaning it's really bothering me), he handles it. Period. Also, we did have a wedding in the family last year. We (and most of the family) live in Indiana. The bride and groom (my BIL) live in Virginia. We could not afford to take the time off plus the travel. What saved us was that their cousin got married that same weekend in Ohio (one night and a 4-hour drive away). We simply represented the family there.The funny thing is that The Furry Guy and I are the ones who always go to family things if at all possible. Last Sunday we went to my uncle's 80th birthday party. None of the other neices or nephews from our side of the family attended. This Saturday there's a baby shower for one of The Furry Guy's cousins and his wife (the same couple who got married last year). We will be the only ones from The Furry Guy's immediate family attending. (He's one of 7 kids and none of them nor his parents are going.) That's not an unusual occurrence. Do what you can. Explain if you feel it necessary. This is your life. And, remember that, whether they like it or not, "No" is a complete sentence.

 

[Intrepid_Chef]

I'm sorry about all the family drama!My June has been slow too ... and I realized this all started in March, when I had no computer at home, no printer ... and my dad was getting ready to have stints put in his leg.So last weekend, I was so desperate for sales that I worked TWO fairs in the same day, back to back! Worth it, especially the first, longer one, but my back paid for it! And on Monday, my dad had a heart attack! So I spent most of this week at the hospital!And in September, when he turns 75, I have a previously scheduled vacation! I hope my family will hold his part on the Sunday after and not the Saturday before or after!Said all that to say I can relate .... hugs to you!

 

[heather223]

Hugs to you! I know this isn't easy, but you have to go with what you heart and mind are telling you. I can say from experience that you will only regret this for more than one reason- money being one of them. To this day I regret us not saying "No" to my husband's brother there are so many other things I could have spent that money on. Like I said before, they will forgive you. Maybe not right away, but eventually.

 

[Sheila]

Hubby grew up with a family who spent every vacation going to see his Mother's family. They never did any of the "cool stuff" (his words) because they were going to see family. When he joined the military, he spent his first few vacation trips going home to see his parents & brother, then it dawned on him what he was doing. He decided he was never going to do that again. When we got married, he told me why he didn't want to spend vacation time going home and it sounded good to me! LOL We've done fun things for ourselves with our vacation time! We told everyone before we left for Japan that we were going to do a big trip to Hawaii 13 months later for Christmas & wanted everyone to come meet us. Then our Daughter was born 7 weeks before that & we didn't have the passport yet to take the trip anyway. Come to find out, not ONE person saved any money to come meet us. So when our daughter turned 10 months old, we took all the money we had saved for Hawaii + what we had saved since that canceled trip & took a 10 day trip to China! Of course we announced that anyone who was interested in coming was welcome. Brother-in-law talked about it, but didn't come. So we were on our own! So I can totally relate with the ones who are recommending that you skip the trip. BUT, our events were not weddings either. In the 7+ years that I've been gone, I came home for a family reunion, for my Dad's heart surgery, several trips to visit him in the hospital & then for his funeral, we made a trip through here to do some repairs on the house during our "farewell tour" when moving to Japan (Nov '06). I came back in May '10 for a family reunion & then in March '11 for the evacuation from Japan! That's it. Two trips were for me, the rest had underlying reasons why I needed to be back home.I'd say go with your heart on this one. If you REALLY want to be there, you'll find a way to make it work. If you are not going to cry or regret missing it then don't stress over trying to figure out how to make it all work. I agree, if they want you to make such a rushed trip during a time frame when you told them that you wouldn't be able to come ... then they need to either accept that you are not coming or take up a collection (or find someone to donate miles as previously suggested) to get you guys there. If finding a way to get you guys there is not a priority on their agenda, I wouldn't make it a priority on your agenda either. ESPECIALLY considering your circumstances! It's not like you decided to move across the country from your family for the fun of it ... you guys were sent there my the military.

 

[pampered1224]

Like Sheila said, go with your heart but use your brain too. We all get caught in the not wanting to make people feel bad, wanting to make ourselves look good, putting on the welcome mat but at what cost? Running around like a bunch of chickens with your heads cut off for two days, and spending a ton of money you obviously do not really have is well, dumb! I am not saying you are. I am saying that his family must be pretty awful, unrealistic and just plain STUPID if you two feel that guilty that you needed to even consider going! Here is another question. If you do not go, they will not like you. Will they love ya to death if you do go? DOUBT IT!