Need Personal Advice- Long, Sorry!

[cookin to the top]

My husband and I are separated, I live in my parents' Guest House with my 2 year old daughter, and my husband lives w/ his parents. His parents do not like me- never accepted that he moved on from his high-school sweetheart. Long time ago! Anyway....they refuse to ever call me to invite me to anything- tell my husband to let me know where to be. I feel very disrespected, and do not attend- have asked them to please call ME and I would be happy to bring their granddaughter out to see them anytime.... which has never happened. The few times we are together, they are (passively) rude to me right in front of my daughter! My husband tells me they will call me tomorrow morning to invite me to X-Mas Eve at their house. SHORT notice!!!! I have plans- how do I tell them I cannot attend without looking like a total B? (Or am I being one? I invited them by card in the mail 3 weeks ago to our X-Mas party on X-Mas Day, have not heard a word. Invited them to our Thanksgiving (celebrated the Sunday following the "real" Thanksgiving) and they sent a card saying they could not make it due to prior plans) I understand they don't want me around, do want their granddaughter, but have too much pride to simply call me (and give me a little notice) like I've asked. How do I handle this?

 

[Sheila]

I would just tell them: "Oh (in a sad tone), I wish I'd have known sooner! I know that [your daughter's name] would have LOVED to have been there, but we've already made other plans. I hope next time you give us more notice so that she doesn't have to miss out on joining your family for these types of events ..."

 

[Sheila]

Can I say that maybe it's also time to sit down & have a talk? Maybe not tomorrow, but sometime after the holidays??? My favorite phrase is "I'm sorry, have I done something to offend you?" when someone is being rude. It even works on sales clerks that I've never met before! LOLYour daughter is a common bond who will always connect you to that family, even in you and your husband end up divorcing. If there's something that you've done to offend them, maybe talking about it can resolve the issue. If they are just childish and still mad that they wanted the high school girl friend as a DIL, they need to just suck it up and deal with it or pay the consequence of being unhappy forever. Obviously, if they love your daughter and enjoy having her as a granddaughter ... then they can't look at the union between you and your husband as a mistake. If it hadn't have happened, they wouldn't have her in their lives.

 

[pampered1224]

You may not have a chance here at all. I hate to be a poop here but I have a family member that went through something very similar to this. The "in-laws" not only disliked my aunt for "railroading" their son but also took it out on the kids. In the 16 years they have been separated then divorced, the grand kids from that union have also been left out of her exs family functions. It was a case of "out-of-sight; out-of-mind". You may have a tough conversation coming up with your daughter. As for the current situation, call your ex. Do not talk to them. Explain that you would have loved for her to be a part of his families Christmas but that with the short notice, that will not be possible. Ask then if they would like to see her on Christmas day. Like it or not, YOU too will need to compromise as well. You may need to give her up on one of the two days. You have monopolized both days. Give him one of the two. At 2 this may not effect her yet, but eventually it will so you need to have the talk with him about some sort of schedule for holidays IN ADVANCE so she does not end up feeling like a volley ball. You will have to if you end up divorcing, so why not get that step out of the way now? Oh and personally, I would NOT even bother trying to show up at ANY functions with her. Let him do the work if he or his parents want her there. Offer to drop her off but you gotta stay out! It will only cause you way more grief than it is worth. Besides, if this is the course of the future for you three, you need to have enough confidence in him as her father to let her be with him without you! See if you two can comprimise. He gets her one day, you get the other. Let him and his family know you are the bigger person.

 

[raebates]

My thoughts follow John's. Let her be with them when she's with her dad. Some people will never come around. Let her know that her grandparents love her, even if they don't always show it, and their behavior towards you has nothing to do with her.

 

[Shell Northway]

Whatever you decide to do make sure you hold your head high and be the bigger person. Remember so put a smile on your face and remember that you are doing this for your daughter and for the relationship she deserves to have with a loving set of Grandparents. If they cannot be that, then it is their fault not your's. Good luck!!!

 

[cookin to the top]

Her dad has never taken her by himself.... and I know it'll happen, but I'm SO not ready for that yet! Sigh# I see your point, and think that letting her go with him and me staying out is very smart. He broke my trust with my family years ago (hence the separation), and I'm having a hard time trusting him with her. Not the same, I know, my family were adults and got hugely taken advantage of (he was lucky he didn't go to jail). Not the same, I shouldn't be overprotecting her from him. SOO hard! (I don't feel like I've monopolized both days since I invited them to our Christmas Day.... have I?)

 

[Sheila]

In a custody agreement, you would probably be trading holidays. One of you would get her for Thanksgiving, the other for Christmas ... then next year you would swich holidays. Being nice & sharing the holiday would be a GOOD move on your part with the in-laws, your daughter & it could possibly help you if you ever do get to the point of fighting for custody in court.

 

[pampered1224]

Yep but it was NOT intentional. By making a plan without his input, that is exactly what you did. Separation is an art form if you want it to work out so you look good and your daughter does not get caught in the middle. It is a lot of compromising, a lot of trust in the hubby and faith on your part about her care while you are out of the picture. It takes practice and skills that you have not learned yet. Separation anxiety! I don't mean from your hubby, I mean from your daughter. That is so normal and is horrible for you to even think about that you didn't. Momma lions protect their young but human mommas are more so protective. They do it without knowing they are. So figure out what your fears are and see if they are reasonable fears. I wish you much luck here and for the sake of your daughter, I am hoping you did decide to le thim have her for at least one of those days.