Mom Mad for Asking Daughter to Clean Up...

[ptejhe]

I need some non-biased feedback on whether I did the right thing or not.

My neighbor/friend has a 8 year old daughter who comes over my house frequently. Last week she was at our house and she wrote her first & last name on my 8 year old son's wooden desk in his room. This desk is not easy to clean because it's natural wood with no varnish, etc.

Anyway, I just learned about this yesterday. I called my friend to ask if she could have her daughter come and clean it up. My friend was not home, but her 8 year old daughter answered the phone. I told the daughter that I had a couple of things that belonged to her at my house and I also asked her to come over when she got a chance to clean her name off of my son's desk. I was very sweet to her.

A few hours later my friend and her daughter came over to clean the desk. My friend was actually the one that cleaned it, not her daughter.

Afterwards the little girl apologized to me and I told her it was okay. I thanked her for coming over and cleaning it up. I wanted to explain to her that the desk is a little hard to keep clean, but her mom interrupted me and told me to stop talking to her daughter (in my own home.)

She continued by telling me how furious she was at me for "disciplining her daughter" (these were her exact words) without her home. I explained to her that I didn't discipline her daughter... I simply asked her to come over when she got a chance to clean up her name on the desk.

This went on for about 5 minutes and I explained to my friend that the reason I didn't speak to her directly is because she is very defensive when it comes to me talking to her about her daughter (her only child).

She was yelling at me and making the situation seem to be my fault. I don't believe I did anything wrong by asking a 8 year old to come and clean up what she did. I would expect the same out of my friend if any of my kids wrote on something in her home.

Also, if I knew the little girl wrote her name and she was still at my house I would have asked her to clean it right then. Not call her mom first.

Thoughts?

 

[PampChefJoy]

If she were still at my house, I would have asked her to clean it up as part of the cleaning up process.

However, since you called her and talked to her and told her to come over after the fact, that would have bothered me as well.

...I explained to my friend that the reason I didn't speak to her directly is because she is very defensive when it comes to me talking to her about her daughter (her only child).

I think you walked right into this one because you knew exactly how she is and you tried to avoid her and made the situation worse, plus you pointed out a character flaw directly to her. That would put anyone on the defensive, but especially when our parenting is questioned.

You basically have two differing points of view... what you view as a "request" for her daughter to come be responsible for her mess is viewed by her as your "discipline." What you might have done is called her and said that there was a mess made on the desk by her daughter, and did she prefer to bring her over to clean it up as a learning experience? That puts the control of discipline back in the mom's hands... so that the mom could dole out the "punishment" of cleaning up the mess. And maybe the mom would say no, I'll come clean it myself... but I wouldn't find it my place (please take this gently) after the fact to make her daughter come over and clean it up without running it by mom first.

 

[PCMomto4]

I don't think you did anything wrong really. Come on at 8 years old they know better than to write on furniture. My four year old knows better come on. Sounds like she is just one of those moms who thinks her daughter can do know wrong and they usually end up being the worse kids around, I know from personal experience.

 

[pcsharon1]

I agree with Joy..............if you had found it while she were still at the house and asked her to clean it up that would have been suitable because she was already there and under your care.

But by calling over there to have her come and clean it up, that turned it into discipline and done at her own home without her parent's approval.

I don't feel you intended to "discipline" her but I do believe you were trying to teach her the lesson of taking care of things, especially things that aren't her own, which is what discipline is at it's root - teaching a lesson.

I believe I would have been upset by this as well, where I wouldn't have been upset by another parent making my child clean up something they damaged while at the home.

Please don't be offended by my opinion, but I don't believe it was handled as well as it could have been.

 

[ptejhe]

I really appreciate your opinions and advice. Thank you! I think we have to remember that we are not dealing with a preschooler here...but a young girl that is entering 3rd grade. I know it's hard to understand the entire dynamics of this situation in 1 single email.

I did not intentionally avoid the mom..she was not home. I would have left a message for the mom had the little girl not answered the phone. I asked her, not told her, to come over in a very very sweet way to help clean it up. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I forgot to mention that my 8 year old son asked her to clean it off his desk and she refused.

If tables were turned and my kids wrote on something at her house I would expect the mom to ask my kids to come over. She'd have to speak to me first anyway because my kids are not allowed to answer the phone. My children know that they must respect everyone's home and if an adult asks you to clean something up that you were clearly involved in then I would back the adult up 100% and tell my children that they must go and make it right.

 

[dianevill]

I think a lot of it depends on the relationship you have with the neighbor/friend. I have one neighbor that if she would've called our house and talked to my daughter, I probably would have gone off the deep end - her child can do no wrong, and she's constantly trying to tell everyone how to parent; HOWEVER, I have another neighbor whose opinions, values and parenting skills I highly respect. I know she would have been trying to be helpful and teach a lesson, and I would not have minded the call.

 

[pampchefrhondab]

I would have cleaned it myself, but told the girl the next time she comes over to please not write on any of our furniture or she will not be allowed to play at our house anymore. Especially since you already knew the Mother was defensive.

 

[flemings99]

I don't think you were wrong in asking her to clean it up, but as a parent would have wanted you to talk to me about it (since it was after the fact) and then I would have sent my child over to do it. Sounds like the daughter went over without the mom knowing?

I had a similar situation with my siter-in-law---who has a general unpleasant attitude about life in general. I caught her daugher (my brothers step daughter) red handed playing with the water maker on the frig. at my Mom's house. I made her get some paper towels and clean up the big mess she'd made all over the floor. Of course the DD was sobbing and refusing to clean it up. My SIL was livid with me & informed me the D had done nothing wrong & wasn't involed. I explained I saw it with my own eyes--didn't matter to the SIL. She cleaned it up herself and to this day holds it against me. It's totally crazy! I would expect my kids to be gotten onto by whatever adult caught them doing it & make them clean it up.

Guess you just have to accept we all parent a little different. Hope you can mend things and move on.

 

[susanr613]

That is a tough situation because damage was done to your furniture. I would have waited until the mom was home and then spoken with her about it directly. You never know how kids interpret things - you may have explained things "sweetly" to her, but she may have told her mother that you yelled at her or scolded her. I also agree with Rhonda that the girl and her mom need to know that writing on furniture is not acceptable (we don't do that here) and that if she does it again she won't be invited over anymore.

 

[pampered Ruth]

I think it was a great learning experience. The mother is nuts. I don't think you did anything wrong .

 

[cwinter474]

I don't think you were wrong in asking her to clean it up, but as a parent would have wanted you to talk to me about it (since it was after the fact) and then I would have sent my child over to do it. Sounds like the daughter went over without the mom knowing?

My thoughts as well.

 

[ptejhe]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts! My husband and I feel that we, as a family, did the right thing. I agree that a 8 year old may interpret my "sweetness" as scolding her, however, I feel that the mom and this little girl know me well enough to understand that's not my personality.

Both the mom and I parent quite differently and she is an extremely unhappy individual all around. I prayed for her last night because I feel sad for her. She doesn't get a long with most of her family, her marriage is not a marriage, but a roommate situation, and her daughter starves for attention.

I will continue to pray for her happiness and that we, as neighbors, can continue to be civil to one another. That's my intention anyway.