Never-Ending Thread: A Place for Laughs and Jokes - Join the Fun!

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Now here's a real woman:

Swedish golfer Daniela Holmqvist couldn't afford a swing and a miss when what tournament officials believe was a redback spider, relative of the famed black widow, nipped her leg mid-tournament during the Women's Australian Open this week.

With the flourish of a focused pro, the Swedish Golf Federation reported, Holmqvist, 24, swatted the spider away, then used a golf tee to pierce her skin and squeeze out the venom.

"A clear fluid came out," she told Svensk Golf magazine. "It wasn't the prettiest thing I've ever done, but I had to get as much of it out of me as possible."

Redback bites occur more frequently in summer months, according to The Australian Museum, and more than 250 cases of redback bites receive antivenom each year.

Homqvist was followed by a rules official for two holes after the incident, but then decided she was comfortable continuing without the rules official monitoring her, a Golf Australia official said. She finished the golf round, but her score of 74 did not qualify her for the tournament.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Here's my new answering machine message:

"I am not available right now,
but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Many of you are probably aware of the Great Lakes Icebreakers - that are very busy this time of the year - vessels with sharp prows to cut through pack ice, working tirelessly through the cold winter months to keep the shipping channels open. Great Lakes freighters use the lanes year 'round to bring supplies from all over the world to the United States. These freighters also take supplies from many of the Great Lakes ports to other ports - keeping the economies of all our northern cities going strong. I think it is high time that we give thanks to these dedicated Wisconsin folks who are out there in all sort of extreme weather - keeping the shipping lanes open and free of ice - and of course keeping the ships and crews safe on their journeys.

Damned tough, those Cheeseheads!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

My Uncle Bob, an 92 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Uncle Bob walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Uncle Bob and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"Uncle Bob replied, "Just doing what you told me, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''' The doctor said, "I didn't say that! I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful!'"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

And now, for something completely different: Something Different

(Safe Link)

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House."He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and I will have my way with you!"Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."

 

[chefa]

That's too funny! LOL!

 

[DebPC]

"The Wizard of Oz" movie

http://img853.imageshack.us/img853/7872/wickedfwitchshoes77.jpg

 

[esavvymom]

HOLY HUMOR



"> During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

"> 1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.

"> 2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

"> 3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

"> 4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.



"> GOOD SAMARITAN

"> A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.

"> She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and

"> bleeding, what would you do?"

"> A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence: "I think I'd throw up."



"> DID NOAH FISH?

"> A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"

"> "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms.



"> THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

"> A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

"> On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.”



"> UNANSWERED PRAYER

"> The preacher's 5-year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

"> "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"> "How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.



"> BEING THANKFUL

"> A Rabbi said to a precocious 6-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"

"> The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"



"> ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS

"> When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."

"> This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"

"> Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!



"> SAY A PRAYER

"> Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"> "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"> "I don't need to," the boy replied.

"> "Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"> "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire.

 

[DebPC]

http://img831.imageshack.us/img831/7277/baconandsodacapture.jpg

 

[esavvymom]

Without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire.

Man....I am SLOW! It took me two days to get that. Haha. :blushing:

 

[DebPC]

OMG! I just got the Mrs. Fire joke! So I am slower.

 

[DebPC]

http://img818.imageshack.us/img818/6707/lemonsfunny16cd4df.jpg

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Or lucky.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.

 

[DebPC]

http://img90.imageshack.us/img90/1373/antelopejoke878e18d.jpg

 

[DebPC]

http://img607.imageshack.us/img607/4889/12stepsofchocolate59716.png

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Beer Theories"Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
--Babe Ruth"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
--Lyndon B. Johnson"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
--Paul Horning"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
--H. L. Mencken"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
--George Bernard Shaw"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
--Benjamin Franklin"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
--Dave Barry"Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C."
--W. C. Fields"Remember 'I' before 'E,' except in Budweiser."
--Professor Irwin Corey"To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group Salvation in a can!"
--Leo DurocherOne night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

 

[DebPC]

http://img194.imageshack.us/img194/4840/pidgeonmcdonaldsfunny87.jpg

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

GREATEST Card trick EVER! You have to see this to believe it!How does he do this???

 

[lt1jane]

This made me laugh.... I know a few people who might think of trying this...

 

[DebPC]

http://img844.imageshack.us/img844/4223/winen.jpg

 

[DebPC]

http://img713.imageshack.us/img713/5972/cookiemonstersaying5094.png

 

[DebPC]

Enough said...

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Remember the haunting theme from Clint Eastwood's spaghetti western, The Good, The Bad and The Ugly? Ever wonder how it was done?Watch and listen as the Great Britain Ukulele Band performs the song on YouTube. (It's especially fun after one guy starts the whistle and another does the ghostly calls.)

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" my wife asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.


"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

 

[DebPC]

So true!

 

[DebPC]

Have a great day!

 

[DebPC]

One banana, two banana, three banana, four...

 

[DebPC]

Needs no words.

 

[DebPC]

Bunny Slippers...

 

[pampered1224]

That is good! I bought new socks about two months ago. 12 pair. I can only find 19 socks! I am so sure my shirts are wearing them in the closet but hey, you never know!

 

[nikked]

Just for TKG!

Punography just for you!

 

[DebPC]

Catching a Cat

 

[DebPC]

Easier than it sounds...

 

[DebPC]

Sounds good to me!

 

[DebPC]

Parenting...

 

[DebPC]

So true today in the midwest! Twenty degrees and 20 mile an hour winds!!!

 

[DebPC]

Happy Wednesday!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

WARNING! Adult Humor Follows!Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop-dead gorgeous, topless, blonde came walking straight towards them. Well, they couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good Morning, Father! Good Morning, Father!"
She nodded, addressing each of them individually, as she passed.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said, "Good morning, Father! Good morning, Father!"

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."

She turned to face them. "Yes, Father?"

He replied, "We are, indeed, priests and proud of it, but I must know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

She smiled and said, "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen!"

 

[DebPC]

Love this!

 

[DebPC]

Couldn't resist one more...

 

[DebPC]

Funny thing about birthdays...those that have the most- live the longest!

 

[DebPC]

Have a great day!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

This is amazing! Now, this isn't actually a joke, but since we don't have the never-ending hijack thread anymore, I'm not sure where else to put this link.Did you ever wonder what goes on after you click on a link?This is from point of view of someone in England, but this clearly explains network traffic worldwide.How the Internet WorksThis is done so well, it is definitely worth the few minutes to watch and see
what goes on behind the scenes. (Click on the title - safe link)Remember this video the next time the InterNet seems slow!

 

[DebPC]

Oldie but a goodie

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She is called Five Horses".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered,
"It old Indian Name. It mean...


NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

The town drunk, having imbibed way too many corn squeezins’, crashed through the door of the bar and onto the street. Leaning hard against the pull of his pickled equilibrium he staggered off into the night in search of home. Thinking he had reached his own gate he surged through the opening in the fence and stumbled into the town cemetery; half blind and trying hard to halt his forward progress the hapless fool tripped over a mound of dirt and tumbled headlong into the dark abyss of a freshly dug grave. Despite the bone jarring fall and laying flat on his back in the wet muck at the bottom, he managed to come to his senses enough to mournfully cry out, “Help me please, help me I’m cold”, “heeeelp meeeee I’mmm coooold.”A few minutes later another drunk, not quite as diminished as the first, stumbled out of the bar and took off up the street for home. He hadn’t traveled more than a couple of blocks when he heard a sorrowful distant cry pleading, “Heeeeelp meeeee I’mmmm cooooold”, “heeeeelp meeeee I’mmmmm coooooold”. Both frightened and curious he tried to home in on the distant cry and soon found himself at the gate of the town cemetery. Sure enough, the cry was coming out of the spooky darkness beyond. Gathering his waning courage and hair standing on end he picked his way through the hundreds of tombstones and monuments; listening intently he finally edged his way up to the edge of the open grave and peered into the dark to see a mud covered body at the bottom of the hole looking up and crying, “heeeeelp meeeee, heeeelp meeeee I’mmmm Cooooold.”Looking down with an exaggerated sympathy that only six hours of elbow bending can bring our drunk blurted, “Awwwww, no wonder you're cold, you done kicked all your dirt off of you.”

 

[DebPC]

Cute.