Never-Ending Thread: A Place for Laughs and Jokes - Join the Fun!

[chef_leeanne]

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1988 . They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine
They have always had cable.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter .

 

[thechefofnorthbend]

This guy goes skydiving for the first time. After he jumps out of the
plane, he counts to ten, pulls the ripcord, and nothing happens. Only
a little worried, he pulls the cord for the auxiliary parachute, but
unfortunately, the chute still does not appear. As he is plummeting
toward the Earth, he sees a woman coming up the other way. He shouts to
her "Do you know anything about parachutes?" "No", she says, "do you
know anything about gas stoves?"

 

[thechefofnorthbend]

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

 

[thechefofnorthbend]

101 Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

 

[thechefofnorthbend]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the ****tails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

 

[pcchris]

Menopause JewelryMy husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he could monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green! When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin' red mark on his forehead!

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

101 Ways To Annoy People
<SNIP>

I don't have to do any of those things to annoy people.

All I have to do is be me.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Menopause Jewelry

Don't think of it as menopause - think of it as your inner child, playing with matches.

 

[chefann]

101 Ways To Annoy People
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

That's funny, because of a teacher I had in 8th grade. He was the high school algebra teacher (yes, nerdly me had HS algebra in 8th grade), and was well-known for "The Christmas Joke." People who had his class were sworn to secrecy, but would talk up the joke to their friends, leading everyone to believe that it was just the best joke ever.

The last day of class before Christmas break was joke day. Mr. Waddell would tell everyone to put their books away, sit himself on the edge of his desk, and proceed to tell the joke. The students would hang on his every word. It was quite a long joke - took 20 minutes to tell. And the punchline was really stupid. It was not funny in the least. But he'd deliver the punchline, then look at us staring at him in confusion, and roll off the desk laughing at us.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

That's funny, because of a teacher I had in 8th grade. He was the high school algebra teacher (yes, nerdly me had HS algebra in 8th grade), and was well-known for "The Christmas Joke." People who had his class were sworn to secrecy, but would talk up the joke to their friends, leading everyone to believe that it was just the best joke ever.

The last day of class before Christmas break was joke day. Mr. Waddell would tell everyone to put their books away, sit himself on the edge of his desk, and proceed to tell the joke. The students would hang on his every word. It was quite a long joke - took 20 minutes to tell. And the punchline was really stupid. It was not funny in the least. But he'd deliver the punchline, then look at us staring at him in confusion, and roll off the desk laughing at us.

We had a freshman "Science for Dumbshits" teacher that had that same reputation - all year long, he kept promising the story and when he finally got around to it, it was only the Rary shaggy dog.

 

[raebates]

Just what I needed--more ways to annoy people!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

If real life were only like the movies, then....-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

 

[raebates]

You forgot these:

Music will alert you to when something scary or important is about to happen to you.

The bad guys will be horrible shots, only hitting the good guys in their protective vests or barely grazing them with a minor flesh wound, no matter how many shots they take. Good guys, on the other hand, will need only one shot to take out the bad guys.

 

[raebates]

4 questions about cell phones:

1. If you're talking on your cell phone in an elevator and you plummet to your death, is that a dropped call?

2. Under what circumstances do cell users in Buffalo roam?

3. Your phone can take pictures, play games, and surf the net; why can't it explain why your $49-a-month plan consistently costs $119?

4. If a cell phone rings in the woods, does it annoy anyone?

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

2. Under what circumstances do cell users in Buffalo roam?

Only if they're where the deer and the antelope play.

And when you're there - watch your step.

 

[chefann]

More movie-isms...

When involved in a foot chase, there will always be either a fruit cart or 2 workmen carrying a large pane of glass going across the path. (This is discussed in a book by Roger Ebert, Ebert's Little Movie Glossary, in which he discusses being in an audience, and many of the viewers shouted out "Fruit Cart!" at the appropriate moment in the movie.)

No computer ever freezes or needs to be rebooted. And they all run MacOS, even when the hardware is clearly NOT a Mac.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A producer is lying by the pool at the Beverly Hilton. His partner arrives in a great state of excitement. "How'd the meeting go?" asks the first guy."It went great," says his buddy. "Tarentino will write and direct for six million, Mel Gibson will star for eight, and we can bring in the whole picture for under fifty million.""Fabulous," says the guy by the pool."There's just one catch," his partner warns."What's the catch?""We have to put up ten thousand in cash," his partner replies.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

More movie gags - screw in a light bulb jokes from HollywoodQ: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."

Q: How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That's electric's job

Q: How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It's not a bulb, it's a globe.

Q: How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one... but how do you get him in there with the cute, blonde?

Q: How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one more, guys, I promise.

Q: How many Superstar Actor's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One: They just hold it and the whole world revolves around them.

Q: How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb
A: Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder...

Q: How many editors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If we change the light bulb, we'll have to change everything.

Q: How many Wardrobe people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: "Nobody said I needed doubles on that!"

Q: How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.

Q: How many Agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Actually, agents will screw in just about anything.

Q: How many Studio Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We don't know. Light bulbs last longer than studio executives.

Q: How many Development Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Well, first let's talk about the concept behind this whole "light bulb" thing.

Q: How many Development Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take notes while the other screws it into the faucet.

Q: How many Screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The bulbs IN and it's staying IN!

Q: How many Sound Recordists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: WHAT?

Q: How many fire safety guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.

Q: How many absurdist/surrealist comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: November.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

The Lent thread reminded me of this one......and it's time to start a bunch of lawyer jokes. Like,

Q: What do you call a cruise ship of lawyers at the bottom of the Carribean?
A: A good start.

The Devil comes to lawyer and says, "Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any lawyer alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest lawyer that ever lived."

"Well," says the lawyer, "what do I have to do in return?"

The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children's children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity."

"Wait a minute," the lawyer says cautiously, "What's the catch?"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

 

[chefann]

Had this in my email inbox from a while back. Some are duplicates of what's been posted already, but some are new.

20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Sanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"
5. Put decaf in the caffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addiction, switch to espresso
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds"
7. Finish all your sentences with "according to the prophesy"
8. dont use any punctuation
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk
10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat. With a serious face.
11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15. 5 days in advance, tell your friend that you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.
17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream, "I won! I won!"
18. When leaving the zoo, run towards the parking lot, yelling,"Run for your lives! They're loose!"
19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go."
20. The final way to keep a healthy level of sanity.... send this thread to someone to make them smile. It's called therapy.

 

[chefann]

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "why the long face?"
--
A man walks into a bar and says, "ouch."
--
A bartender walks into a bar and says, "What'll I have?"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"Three guys walk into a bar. The fourth one ducked.A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, you'll have to leave. We don't serve strings."The string walks out and twists himself into a distorted mess and hops back in. The bartender says, "Hey! I think I just told you to leave! Aren't you the string that was just in here?"The string says, "I'm afraid not!"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?"Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. Speak up!""May I please have a drink?""What? You have to speak up!""Could I please have a drink?""Now listen, if you don't speak up, I can't serve you.""I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bartender here?"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.The bartender promptly serves up a beer."How much will that be?" asks the neutron."For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A three legged dog walks into a saloon. The bartender says, "What are you doing here"The dog says, "I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!"The grasshopper says, "Really? You have a drink named George?"

 

[chefann]

A very beautiful blonde boards a plane that is headed to L.A. Her ticket is for coach, but she tries to take a seat in first class. The flight attendant notices her mistake and tells her that she has to sit in the seat indicated on her boarding pass.

The blonde replies, "But I'm beautiful, I'm blonde, I'm going to Hollywood, and I'm traveling first class."

The flight attendant couldn't get her to change seats, so she got the head flight attendant to come defuse the situation.

"Excuse me, miss, you're going to have to move to the other section of the cabin."

"But I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to Hollywood."

At this point, the 2 flight attendants looked at each other and shrugged. The head FA proceeded to the flight deck to get the captain.

When the captain arived, he also informed the passenger that she would have to move.

"But I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to Hollywood."

"That's fine, ma'am, but first class is going to Chicago."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

And I bet she didn't get on a Home Office tour, either.

 

[chefann]

Well, no! She was going to Hollywood. Only first class was going to Chicago.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Well, she tried driving to Chicago once, and at the Edens-Tollroad split, she saw the sign that said, "CHICAGO LEFT" so she turned around and went back home.

 

[AJPratt]

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One looks over at the other and asks, "Does this taste funny?"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A Pepsi salesman stumbled into a tribe of cannibals and they boiled him in a giant pot filled with his product. They every part of him except his, um, thing.Well, their reasoning was simple.Everyone knows, things go better with Coke.

 

[thechefofnorthbend]

For you Mathmaticians out there...

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A 3 KG object?Isn't 1 KG object more than enough around here?

 

[chefann]

OMG! You said it, but I was thinkin' it!

So what would the answer be if you slid down that ramp?

The same. There's still an elephant in the way.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Those *&^%! Republicans are everywhere.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Two vampires walk into a bar. "I'll have
a glass of blood," says one. "I'll have a glass of plasma", says the other.
"Okay," replies the bartender, "that'll be one blood and one blood lite..."* * * *Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. The first one says, "I think I've lost an
electron."
The second one says, "Are you sure?"
The first one says, 'Yes, I'm positive.'* * * *Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here."
The first yogurt says, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."* * * *Two peanuts walk into a bar. The second one was a salted.

 

[AJPratt]

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders and beer and a mop.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Would you like a beer?"Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes...

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender serves him and says "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many gorillas in here." The gorilla nods "At these prices, I'm not surprised."

 

[AJPratt]

Does this sound familiar?

How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I feel about women's rights with my fingers, unless I'm standing on their other side.

 

[chef_leeanne]

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

" Yes ," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, " No ."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through t he earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."

 

[thechefofnorthbend]

This guy walks into a bar and sees a lady sitting by herself. He goes over and buys her and drink and they chat a while and he leaves with her to go to her place. They are in the middle of having a good time when he hears a noise at the door and she says "It's my husband home for lunch... quick, hide in the closet!" So he does.

He's standing in the closet when he hears this small voice... "Gee, it's dark in here". He looks around trying to find out where it came from when he hears it again... "Gee, it's dark in here..."

He quickly whispers "Shhhh, who are you?"

The little voice says "That's my mommy and daddy out there, gee, it's dark in here, I'm scared, I'm gonna scream."

The man whispers back "No, PLEASE don't scream. I'll give you five dollars if you don't scream."

The little boy answers "Gee, it's dark in here, I'm pretty scared, I'm gonna scream..."

"I'll give you ten dollars if you don't scream."

"Gee, it's dark in here, I'm REALLY scared, I'm gonna scream..."

The guy says "Look kid, here's FIFTY dollars, it's all I have, don't scream."

"Ok." the kid whispers quietly.

So the guy waits in the closet till he hears the husband finish lunch and as soon as he hears the door close he runs out of the closet and jumps out the window and runs down the street. Later that afternoon, the lady is out shopping with her son at the mall when he sees a bike in the toy store window and says to his mom "Gee, I'd REALLY like that bike."

"Sorry, I can't afford to buy you a bike."

The kid says, "That's ok, I can buy it myself, I have fifty dollars."

She pulls him aside and asks him "WHERE did you get fifty dollars?"

"I'll never tell."

"You BETTER tell me where you got that money."

"I'll never tell."

"You must have done something bad to get that money. I'm taking you to church and you can tell the priest how you got that money in confession." So she does.

The little boy is in the confessional and the door closes and he says "Gee, it's dark in here..."

And the priest answers "Now let's not start THAT shit again..."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

 

[chef_leeanne]

Old Love

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde all worked together at an office. Every day, they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early, too.The boss left and moments later, so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opened the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she quietly shut the door and left.The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early."No," she says, "Yesterday I nearly got caught!"