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Pampered Chef: Laughs of the Day

  1. The_Kitchen_Guy

    The_Kitchen_Guy Legend Member Silver Member

    12,532
    76
    I made a serious post in a thread up here a little while ago - I'm sorry, everyone. I don't know what came over me. (This one since you asked.)

    I've been thinking that maybe what we need is a NET (Never-Ending Thread) where we can post our latest jokes so no one has to start a new thread every time a new joke sweeps over us. Who knows, maybe some (but certainly not all) of them can be used in shows!

    So, I'll start it:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 26, 2013
  2. The_Kitchen_Guy

    The_Kitchen_Guy Legend Member Silver Member

    12,532
    76
    Carpentry in Utah

    I knew this guy in Salt Lake City who wanted to be a novelist. He went to writing classes, attended meetings of several writers' clubs and contacted litrary agents. He wrote every day, and tried and tried.

    He just wasn't very good.

    One day, he decided to fall back on his second dream, that of being a carpenter. He took an aprenticeship and found out that he had a real talent for carpentry.

    He's become a regular Mormon Nailer.
     
  3. thechefofnorthbend

    thechefofnorthbend Veteran Member

    1,130
    1
    A visit from Satan

    A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
    Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

    Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

    The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

    "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

    "Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

    "Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

    "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

    "Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

    "Yep," was the calm reply.

    "And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan.

    "Nope," said the old man.

    More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, " Why aren't you afraid of me?"

    The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
     
  4. The_Kitchen_Guy

    The_Kitchen_Guy Legend Member Silver Member

    12,532
    76
    Two little old ladies are sitting in church. The first one leans over to the second one and says, "Millie, I hope this sermon gets over soon. My butt is falling asleep!"

    "I know," Millie whispered back. "I heard it snore three times."
     
  5. pixel-_

    pixel-_ Member

    91
    0
    A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on
    I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.

    When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

    The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.

    The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

    The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his
    patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.
    The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

    While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

    The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

    The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."
     
    Feb 13, 2007
    #5
  6. chefjenibel

    chefjenibel Member

    296
    0
    As a truck stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
    The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
    The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
    When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
    Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
    Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
    At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of the car, runs up, knocks on the door.
    The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"
    When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
    He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says..."Hi my name is Kevin, its winter in Iowa, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
    :D :D :D :D :D
     
    Feb 13, 2007
    #6
  7. thechefofnorthbend

    thechefofnorthbend Veteran Member

    1,130
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    For us Ladies!!!

    Dear Kotex,
    I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had
    a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:
    Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.


    Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.

    Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated

    and feeling fresh.


    Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...


    Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never
    possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a
    menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell...but go ahead...I triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya... See what happens and report back. I'll wait.


    While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the
    chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-damn-tee you that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.

    Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess
    what, the only activities that interest me is eating..sleeping..*****ing, or crying for no apparent reason.. ...and oh...does ripping someone's head off count as a friggen' activity?????


    Look, females don't need or want tips for living on their
    feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing
    "helpful" crap like that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol & barbituates.


    Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand
    that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to
    mention rude, and is enough to send a girl running to the Always brand. It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging.



    Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw
    it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer. There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don't ya just add an in-store microphone to the damn package & announce that...helloooo, another female in the store is on her period?! So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces and shove them right up your a___!



    P.S. How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of Bourbon to your packages instead?
     
    1 person likes this.
  8. The_Kitchen_Guy

    The_Kitchen_Guy Legend Member Silver Member

    12,532
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    Kids In Church

    3-year-old Reese:

    "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    A little boy was overheard praying:

    "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

    I'm having a real good time like I am."

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.

    Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

    One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

    The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

    Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

    "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

    "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.

    The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

    "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

    "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

    The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

    (Kinda sounds like a PC show, doesn't it?)
     
  9. yummy4tummy

    yummy4tummy Advanced Member

    677
    2
    For all the expectant mothers...not really a joke but I guess this is the right thread.


    The "Middle Wife" by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

    I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.

    When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles,
    model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're
    welcome.

    Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

    She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

    "First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbl of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

    She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

    "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh,
    oh!' Now this kid is doing a hystrical duck walk and groaning.

    "My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

    "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread with her
    little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!

    "Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in
    yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there."

    Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case
    another "Middle Wife" comes along.
     
    Feb 13, 2007
    #9
  10. raebates

    raebates Legend Member Staff Member

    18,373
    399
    Oh, wow, Valky. I have worked with little ones for many years. I can sooooo picture several of "my kids" doing this.

    My contribution for the best groaner is:

    What did the snail say while riding on the turtle's back?












    "Wheeeeee!"

    Told you it was bad.
     
    Feb 13, 2007
    #10
  11. The_Kitchen_Guy

    The_Kitchen_Guy Legend Member Silver Member

    12,532
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    Will I Live To BE 80?

    Do you ever wonder, "Will I live to be 80?"

    I recently chose a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

    A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

    "No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

    Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

    I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

    "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing or relaxing in the beach?"

    "No, I don't," I said.

    He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

    "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

    He looked me in the eye and asked,"Then why do you give a rip?"
     
  12. pcheframsey

    pcheframsey Member

    232
    0
    Why are blond jokes so short???















    So men can remember them!
     
    Feb 13, 2007
    #12
  13. yummy4tummy

    yummy4tummy Advanced Member

    677
    2
    compliments of my DD:

    Q: What did the bra say to the hat?






    A: You go on ahead and I'll give these 2 a lift.
     
    Feb 13, 2007
    #13
  14. The_Kitchen_Guy

    The_Kitchen_Guy Legend Member Silver Member

    12,532
    76
    If your bra is a DD, those two need a lift.

    So far, your joke is the most uplifting.
     
  15. DizziePixie

    DizziePixie Guest

    A teacher was explaining to an elementary class that a whale's throat is too small for a human to fit, so Jonah could not possibly have been swallowed by a whale. One little girl raised her hand and said, "If my Sunday School teacher said it's so, then it's so. When I get to heaven, I'm going to ask Jonah." The teacher replied, what if Jonah didn't go to heaven?" The student quickly replied, "Then YOU ask him!"
     
    Feb 13, 2007
    #15
  16. The_Kitchen_Guy

    The_Kitchen_Guy Legend Member Silver Member

    12,532
    76
    A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Bears fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Bears fans too. Not really knowing what a Bears fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.

    There is, however, one exception. Susie has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Bears fan" she reports.

    "Then," asks the teacher," What are you?"

    "I'm a Green Bay Packers fan" boasts the little girl. The teacher asks Susie why she is a Packers fan. "Well, my Dad and Mom are Pakers fans, so I'm a Packers fan too" she responds.

    "That's no reason," the teacher says. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"

    Susie smiles and says, "Then I'd be a Chicago Bears fan."
    ------------------------------

    Oh, STOP it. It's just a joke. Admit it - you can't WAIT to use it with your own favorite team and favorite team to hate.
     
  17. yummy4tummy

    yummy4tummy Advanced Member

    677
    2
    In honor of Valentine's Day

    redneck valentine

    Collards is green,
    my dog's name is Blue
    and I'm so lucky
    to have a sweet thang like you.

    Yore hair is like cornsilk
    a-flapping in the breeze.
    Softer than Blue's
    and without all them fleas.

    You move like the bass,
    which excite me in May.
    You ain't got no scales
    but I luv you anyway.


    When you hold me real tight
    like a padded gunrack,
    my life is complete;
    Ain't nuttin' I lack.

    Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
    with a RC cold drank,
    we go together
    like a skunk goes with stank.

    Some men, they buy chocolate
    for Valentine's Day;
    They git it at Wal-Mart,
    it's romantic that way.

    Some men git roses
    on that special day
    from the cooler at Kroger.
    "That's impressive," I say.

    Some men buy fine diamonds
    from a flea market booth.
    "Diamonds are forever,"
    they explain, suave and couth.

    But for this man, honey,
    these won't do.
    Cause yor'e too special,
    you sweet thang you.

    I got you a gift,
    without taste nor odor,
    more useful than diamonds...
    IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!


    Luv, from yor redneck Romeo
     
    Feb 14, 2007
    #17
  18. The_Kitchen_Guy

    The_Kitchen_Guy Legend Member Silver Member

    12,532
    76
    Yup, the new one is out! The brand new edition of You know you're a redneck when...

    1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

    2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

    3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

    4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

    5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

    6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

    7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

    8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

    9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

    10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

    11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

    12.. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

    13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

    14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

    15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

    16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

    17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

    18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

    19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean

    20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

    21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

    22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

    23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

    24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

    25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

    26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

    27 A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

    28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

    29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

    30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
     
  19. The_Kitchen_Guy

    The_Kitchen_Guy Legend Member Silver Member

    12,532
    76
    Redneck Designer Overalls

    [​IMG]
     
  20. speedychef

    speedychef Veteran Member

    1,036
    0
    There's this guy, and he likes to go to the racetrack to bet on the horses.

    So his wife, doing laundry one day, finds a slip of paper in his shirt pocket that says Ginger. She confronts him and asks, "WHO is Ginger?"

    "Oh, honey, calm down. You know I love nobody but you. Ginger is a horse. I wrote it down so I'd remember to bet on her next time I go to the track."

    So she lets it go and the next night he's off to the track again. He comes home late and the house is dark. His wife was waiting in the living room and got up to whack him over the head with her 8" Pampered Chef Executive Saute Pan.

    "GEEZ! What the heck was that for?!!" He shouts.

    "Your HORSE Ginger just called!"
     
    Feb 14, 2007
    #20
  21. yummy4tummy

    yummy4tummy Advanced Member

    677
    2
    Funny this is on here. I just got my 12" Family skillet. I mentioned that I couldn't use it on my DH because "The Pampered Chef"® stamp would be imprinted on his head and then I would go to jail. LOL
     
    Feb 14, 2007
    #21
  22. yummy4tummy

    yummy4tummy Advanced Member

    677
    2
    Smarter Older Women

    After I had been married for 53 years, I took a
    look at my wife and said, "Sweetheart, 53 years
    ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept
    on a sofa bed and watched a 13-inch black and
    white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a
    hot 21 year-old auburn-haired gal.
    Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and
    plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 74 year
    old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding
    up your side of things."
    > >
    My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to
    go out and find a hot 21 year-old auburn-haired
    woman, and she would make sure that I would once
    again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a
    cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a
    13-inch black and white TV
    .
    > >
    Aren't older women GREAT? They really know how to
    solve your mid-life crises!
     
    Feb 14, 2007
    #22
  23. raebates

    raebates Legend Member Staff Member

    18,373
    399
    If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
     
    Feb 14, 2007
    #23
  24. raebates

    raebates Legend Member Staff Member

    18,373
    399
    Strangest thing happened to me on the way home from a PC show last Saturday. I was driving along when I hit a bird. The REALLY icky part is that it stuck to my windshield. I didn't know what to do.

    I decided the best thing would be to turn on the windshield wipers. It worked. The bird carcass flipped over my van and into the vehicle behind me--an Indiana State Trooper. :eek:

    Immediately his lights and siren came on, and he pulled me over. He began writing me a ticket. When I asked why, he told me it was for flipping him the bird.


    (Okay, I know it's really bad, but I love the absolutely indignant look people get just before I give them the punchline. ;) )
     
    Feb 14, 2007
    #24
  25. genburk

    genburk Advanced Member Silver Member

    671
    1
    This is what Pampered Chef suggested when I said the apron was to small. :eek:





    Just kidding. :D :D :D
     
    Feb 14, 2007
    #25
  26. The_Kitchen_Guy

    The_Kitchen_Guy Legend Member Silver Member

    12,532
    76
    If tin whistles are made of tin, what do they make foghorns out of?

    Can you cry under water?


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? [In Wisconsin, the answer would be, "Taxes."]


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    What disease did cured ham actually have?


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?


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    If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


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    Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
     
  27. thechefofnorthbend

    thechefofnorthbend Veteran Member

    1,130
    1
    How to argue like a true philosopher

    I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
    1. Drink Liquor. (JD)

    Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large shots of Jack Daniels, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

    2. Make things up.

    Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."
    NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

    If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left your soiled underwear in my bath house."

    3. Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases.

    Memorize this list:

    Let me put it this way
    In terms of
    Vis-a-vis
    Per se
    As it were
    Qua
    So to speak
    well, anyhow
    You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not."
    Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say:

    "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."

    You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."

    Only a fool would challenge that statement.

    4. Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

    You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevent phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

    You're begging the question.
    You're being defensive.
    Don't compare apples and oranges.
    What are your parameters?

    This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.

    Here's how to use your comebacks:

    You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
    Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.
    You say: You're begging the question.

    OR

    You say: Liberians, like most Asians...
    Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.
    You say: You're being defensive.
    5. Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.
    This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."

    You now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons.
     
  28. genburk

    genburk Advanced Member Silver Member

    671
    1
    They call it a 'him'orroid because men can be such a pain in the butt :eek: :rolleyes: :D

    Not trying to offend anyone, but had to add it :p

    Which reminds me of a story. A man a few years younger than me came up to me, and teasingly tried to use the play on words... about a 'her'ricane getting it's name because women are good at messing things up...... I thought for a second and said, "Then they must call them 'him'orrhoids, because you are a pain in the butt !!. He couldn't say anything, just smiled and walked away....red faced, because he said it in front of about 4 other women...
     
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2007
    Feb 14, 2007
    #28
  29. The_Kitchen_Guy

    The_Kitchen_Guy Legend Member Silver Member

    12,532
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    Q: Why do we say "Amen" at the end of a prayer, and not "Awomen?"

    A: Because we sing hymns, not herns.
     
  30. chefann

    chefann Legend Member Gold Member

    22,238
    5
    A blonde needed to drive home in the middle of a snowstorm and didn't want to get stuck. She remembered the advice her parents had given her: When you're in snow, wait for a snowplow and follow it. So she turned on the car and waited for a snowplow. One came along, so she put the car in gear and followed it around, for quite a while. Then it stopped. The driver of the plow got out and came to her window. She rolled it down and he told he, "I'm done with WalMart. You gonna follow me over to the K-Mart?"
     
    Feb 14, 2007
    #30
  31. chefann

    chefann Legend Member Gold Member

    22,238
    5
    Two nuns were ordered by the Mother Superior to paint a room in the convent, but not get any paint on their habits. The went into the room and discussed the best way to go about painting without staining their clothes. They decided the best way would be to take off their habits, place them under a drop cloth, and paint the room in the nude. So that's what they did. They were about halfway done when there was a knock on the door.

    "Who is it?" they cried.

    "Blind man!" came the answer.

    The nuns looked at each other and shrugged. What harm could come from letting a blind man into the room. So they opened the door.

    An overall-clad man came in carrying a large bundle. He carried it to the window and set it down on the floor. "There are your window treatments," he said. "By the way, nice rack."
     
    Feb 14, 2007
    #31
  32. chefann

    chefann Legend Member Gold Member

    22,238
    5
    An angel had a day off and decided to make it a good day for some deserving person or thing. He went to a park that had two classical (read: naked) statues, a male figure and a female figure, positioned so that they were staring longingly at each other. The angel decided to let them experience life a little. He brought them to life with a wave of his hand, and told them, "You have 30 minutes. Do with it what you will."

    The female giggled, grabbed the male's hand and they ran into the bushes. There was much squealing, giggling and rustling. 15 minutes later, they emerged, flushed and happy.

    The angel looked at them and said, "You still have 15 minutes left. Maybe you want to do it again?"

    The male looked at the female and said, "That's a great idea! But this time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you poop on his head!"
     
    Feb 14, 2007
    #32
  33. The_Kitchen_Guy

    The_Kitchen_Guy Legend Member Silver Member

    12,532
    76
    New York, NY-Reuters-An international airliner, bound for England, was held today because of the contents of a passenger's carry on bag. The man, who is a mathmatics professor at Harvard, was arrested. His bag contained a protractor, compass, a slide rule, a book of logarythmic tables and a calculator.

    He is charged with carrying weapons or math instruction.
     
  34. thechefofnorthbend

    thechefofnorthbend Veteran Member

    1,130
    1
    A study conducted by the UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

    For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged,
    masculine features.

    However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more
    attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his
    chest while he is on fire.

    No further studies are expected.
     
  35. britishchef

    britishchef Member

    440
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    I wish I could participate on this thread, but I don't have American Humor. :( I have British Humour!
     
    Feb 14, 2007
    #35
  36. The_Kitchen_Guy

    The_Kitchen_Guy Legend Member Silver Member

    12,532
    76
    That's okay - just because you add extra letters here and there doesn't mean we won't let you import some jokes.

    One of our biggest jokes is PBS - where old Brit television shows go to die.
     
  37. thechefofnorthbend

    thechefofnorthbend Veteran Member

    1,130
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    I LOVE BRITISH HUMOR!! (SIL is from England :p )

    Hyacinth Bucket, just adore her!!
     
  38. The_Kitchen_Guy

    The_Kitchen_Guy Legend Member Silver Member

    12,532
    76
    And now, for something completely different...


    (Pssst! Amber! That's your cue!)
     
  39. thechefofnorthbend

    thechefofnorthbend Veteran Member

    1,130
    1
    This was a guide my SIL sent me prior to my first trip over to see her and my brother when they lived there. He was stationed at Mildenhall working at Lakenheath...:D
     

    Attached Files:

  40. britishchef

    britishchef Member

    440
    0
    I'd never seen Keeping Up Appearances until I moved to America. :)

    I've never met a Brit who liked that show! It's fan base is all Americans who for some reason really enjoy it. ;)

    My favourite joke was always: So Buddha walks into a pizza parlour and says "Make me one with everything".
    -
    An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were all sentenced to spend 10 years at the bottom of a deep dark pit. Their captors agreed to allow them each a supply of one 'vice' during their sentence. The Irishman said "I'll have a 10 year supply of Guiness", the Scotsman said "I'll have a 10 year supply of the finest Scottish whisky" and the Englishman said "I'll have a 10 year supply of the finest cigarettes".

    10 years later, the Irishman staggered out and fell dead from alcohol poisoning. The Scotsman followed shortly behind. The Englishman slowly climbed out and said "Anybody got a light?".
    -
    One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"
     
    Feb 14, 2007
    #40
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