Implementing Tough Love: My Struggle with Family Crisis | Personal Blog

[Kitchen Diva]

Hi guys! I feel like the biggest jerk today!

My sister and niece are living with us, which most of you know. Well, my dear sister is just not getting certain things through her thick head and it has forced me and my husband to give her 90 days to get a job, get her daughter in day care, and find a place to live.

Because she has refused to do much for the past 2 and 1/2 months, she has wasted valuable time and it has forced my DH and I, and my parents to implement this tough love.

Well, it sucks! I don't know who to feel worse for, my sister or my niece. But the truth is that people have ALWAYS rescued my sister out of one disaster or bad choice or wrong place, wrong time situation after another and because of all that she has just shut down, and sits here with her hand out so to speak.

So we cut off the fountain of cash...well the trickle of cash, told her to get a job, get a place to live and put daughter in daycare and start getting ready to get out on your own.

Tonight I told her to take ANY and all help that the state will offer her as far as job training and placement assistance because I doubt the petstore where she wants to apply will give her 40 hours. She said, are you going to be alright with watching your niece for that long for the next 3 months? And I said, no- you need to put her in daycare. And I explained that retail didn't really afford her the luxury of needing to get off early if her child is sick, the way that most office jobs can comply with. I told her that an office job would give her better benefits, and better pay, and better vacation. She left the room in tears...

She thinks we are giving her 90 days only because we want to move to NC and we are 5 months behind schedule because of this family crisis. She just doesn't get that we can't afford to carry her and my niece financially anymore. I hate to give her this rude awakening, but the cold hard facts are that we lovingly told her to do certain things within the first two weeks she was here, so did the cops, and she opted to just "wait on God" and has said "if I don't have peace, I'm not doing anything"

Well I had to lay into her today a bit and tell her peace for her flesh is different than spiritual peace, and her flesh might not feel like doing something, but that's too bad, I can't save her world... she has to get out and get busy and get on with her life. I feel bad that she has all these things on her plate and she feels alone and she's scared and she's shut her brain off, but she's had almost 3 months to get the ball rolling and to do a little bit each day or week and she chose not to, so now it's all piling up on her. I

t's her own fault, but I still feel like a POS for having to say No- I won't watch your daughter, I'm going to find a job because unemployment doesn't pay enough and I'm tired of sitting around the house all day, and No- I won't let you live here and just let us support you while you go to school, and work 10 hours a week and milk us until we can't even pay our own bills....

Thanks for listening, I just needed to get that off my chest. I don't get why I feel like such a jerk for initiating tough love, but I feel like if we don't, she won't snap out of this and she won't start fighting for her and my niece's well-being.

I was hoping I'd feel better after getting this off my chest, but I don't and to top it off, I'm now a cup size smaller and I still feel like a tool! :cry:

 

[dianevill]

Big hugs, Kacey. I don't know what to say - I've never been in a situation even remotely similar to where you are right now, but just know that you continue to be in my prayers.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Big hugs, Kacey. I don't know what to say - I've never been in a situation even remotely similar to where you are right now, but just know that you continue to be in my prayers.

Thanks, Diane. Be happy you aren't in this situation because it really sucks! I would love to just enable my sister to sit on her butt all day and milk the government for money, but I don't feel right about that, and neither should she and that's what is bothering me. The help that is out there should just be used as a jumping point to get you on your feet and get you off and running....

I can't rescue her time and time again or she won't learn, but this really sucks!!!!!

THanks for the prayers. I don't mean to keep inundating you guys with this family issue, but I have no one else to talk to about it, and today I just feel really crappy.

 

[dianevill]

You're not inundating us. I, for one, am glad we're here for you to vent. You need to have someone to turn to.

It's obvious you love your sister and niece very much, and enabling them ISN'T the same as helping them. I think if I was in your situation I would do the same thing.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

You're not inundating us. I, for one, am glad we're here for you to vent. You need to have someone to turn to.

It's obvious you love your sister and niece very much, and enabling them ISN'T the same as helping them. I think if I was in your situation I would do the same thing.

Thanks, that does help me feel a little better...it is hard to watch. When my dad died, my mom was 2 weeks pregnant with my sister and didn't know it. Her folks didn't let her move back in and my mom had to sell our home and most of our possessions because my Dad was such a wonderful guy, he didn't pay the bills- he worked, but he wasn't good with money... My mom even had 7 figure medical bills after my sister was born with a birth defect in her eye- and through hard work, and tennacity, got most of it forgiven, but if she can start with nothing but a car and some clothes and me and worked her way up to quite a nice income before she met and married my step dad 10.5 years later, then my sister can do it too!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I feel like crap-

I feel with my fingers.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

I feel with my fingers.

And here I was sooooo excited that you posted in one of my threads and was thinking, Oooo, KG will have some great words of comfort and advice for me...

As sad as I am that you didn't, I'm happy that you are able to feel with your fingers. (ya big goofball!!)

 

[cincychef]

Just to let you know you are doing the right thing!! I have had two of my sisters and now my 14 year old brother live with me. Doing these things for family is soo hard. Just keep telling yourself that it is best for your sister. This has gotten me through one of the toughest years ever. Hang in there.

 

[pampermejolene]

I was hoping I'd feel better after getting this off my chest, but I don't and to top it off, I'm now a cup size smaller and I still feel like a tool! :cry:

hahah! At least you still have your humor!!
I'm not quite sure exactly what to do because there is a child in the situation, but I have learned that the more you try to help some people the more reasons they come up with that they need the help. Someone I know finally cut the apron strings so to speak and the person on the receiving end is a lot better off for it. Sure it was hard for him for a bit, but I think it FINALLY clicked that he is grown and if anyone is going to take care of him it needs to be himself.

Good luck!!

 

[dianevill]

Kudos to your mom, Kacey! THAT should be in inspiration to your sister...

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

And here I was sooooo excited that you posted in one of my threads and was thinking, Oooo, KG will have some great words of comfort and advice for me...

As sad as I am that you didn't, I'm happy that you are able to feel with your fingers. (ya big goofball!!)

Did I at least make you giggle a little?

Even Shakespeare provided comic relief.

PS - Rosencranz and Gildenstern are still dead.

 

[MaddyandOwensMom]

I think you did the absolute RIGHT thing. Although I didn't personally deal with this situation, my inlaws did with my SIL. Pretty much what she did was hold the grandchild over their head (not litereally of course) for years. She didn't work or did minimally. Everything was about being a stay at home mom and how she couldn't leave her child. After the end of a relationship and suspected drug use, she pulled her act together and is now remarried and responsible with four kids. She is still a stay at home mom, but at least she is in a decent marriage with a good guy and has a roof over her head. You are not responsible for a grown woman. It's not like she is a teenage mom. Do not feel bad about your choices. She has some tough ones to make now. There is a difference between dependence and support from family. I wish you the very best of luck with this situation.
Jessica

 

[legacypc46]

I feel for you Kacey. I'm going thru a similar deal with my own sister...not the terrible abuse things, but the head in the sand approach to life's responsibilities. It's too much to go into here, but suffice to say that at 54, she still doesn't understand that bills, taxes, and rent have to come before the kids' scouts, sports, and catholic school tuition (which I've actually paid a good chunk of). For too many years, we all believed she'd get it together if she just got over a particular hump. Multiple humps, later, little has changed. She's entitled to all kinds of government aid, but doesn't want 'them' in her business. We are currently in the throes of yet another crisis.

I think your sister is blessed to have you. What you are doing is probably what we should have done years ago. Stay strong. She will be the better for it. (I really do believe that!)

 

[pamperedlinda]

Hugs Kacey!

That's why it's called 'tough love'. It's so hard to watch your loved ones go through a crisis. You want to help them SO much, but you don't want it to come at an expense to your own family and life. Be there for her and support her, but most of all help her get back on her feet. What's the saying "Give a man a fish and feed him for a day, teach him to fish and feed him for a lifetime" - something like that. I feel for you. Hang in there, one of these days she will thank you.

 

[Dayna]

Kacey

As long as you and your husband prayed about your decision then I say just continue to pray and leave it to God. You feel guilty because when we see someone we love in pain we wish we could wave a magic wand and have everything fixed. You are doing what you need to do for her and your husband. As my mom would say Stay prayed up. You are giving her an opportunity to have control over her life again. It might be scary for her but only she can take the next steps.

 

[pampchefrhondab]

I'm so sorry you are going through all of the Kacey, but I agree w/others you did the right thing. It's so sad that some people just take and take from others kindness.

I don't know what you are going through, but I have a sister who does this kind of thing to my parents. Her family didn't move in w/them, but right next door! My parents sold the family farm - it was in the family for over 100 years - to help buy her the house. It was such a hard time for me. My sister and I worked at the same company and both lost our jobs about 1 month apart. I received no help from my parents; she got a house out of it. They are making her pay it back, but if she has a bad month she can skip a house payment. I wish I had the luxury. Not only that, she claimed bankruptcy so she can now stay home w/her children! She and her husband had fixed up their old house, which the bank foreclosed on, so they stole everything out of it to fix up the house they are in now! It was just sickening to me. I have had a very hard time getting over it. I don't have any respect for my sister, BIL or parents anymore. My parents knew they were stealing things from the other house. It was such a depressing time for me. I felt as if I were losing my family. My two other siblings didn't have a problem w/it either - at the time!! Now they see what I was upset about and they have actually disowned my sister. I kept telling them she wouldn't change. I also told them to just wait and see, she would have another child before her second went to school so she wouldn’t' have to work. Sure enough, she had another child when the other turned 5. She even had one more after that. These kids were not mistakes either; she had to use fertility drugs! She snowballed my parents in to thinking they were accidents though!

At the time all of this happened I read a story which I relayed to my Mother - it didn't stop my parents from buying her the house, but the story may help you:

There was a science class studying Monarch butterflies. They had watched the cocoon for a long time when finally the butterfly was starting to come out. It got one wing out and was having a really hard time pushing the other wing out. The class decided to help the butterfly the rest of the way out of the cocoon. When it was out it tried to fly, but could only lie on the ground. It tried again, but could not. It sadly ended up dieing. The butterfly needed to struggle to get out of the cocoon so it could be strong enough to fly.

Your sister and mine are the same way. If they never learn to struggle or work for themselves, they will never thrive. My siblings and I often wonder what will happen when my parents are gone, or when they run out of money! It's just so sad! I just hope I never do anything like this to my children. What makes it even harder is we have a similar situation on my husband's side of the family.

Don’t let her make you feel like crap. She is the one who should feel like crap. Just remember the butterfly story when you have to be firm with her.

Take Care,

 

[BethCooks4U]

You absolutely did the right thing - now stick to it!

My brother-in-law had bad times and my in-laws took him in. After lots of time (and stuff) we all (3 brothers, counselors) urged them to use tough love, give him deadlines. They would not. My father-in-law is ultra-religious and said prayer would be the answer. I believe that prayer works miracles but that one must also DO something too. Well, it's now 20 years later and he still lives with them, still doesn't work more than a RARE part time job. Now he helps dad care for mom - he has a purpose now but what a waste of potential. He had no disabilities and is bright. This was the good looking, smart HS football star.

Don't let this happen to your sister.

 

[vwpamperedchef]

You've got a great head on your shoulders! I dont know how your sister could be so insensitive---you did a great thing taking them both in---but she is being insensitive because even YOU just lost your job! How can she think your husband will support all three of you? (you yes, but them no!)

You did the right thing and while it may not feel like it, you did. Just keep your prayers going! I will too!

Sending love, hugs and prayers your way!

 

[janetupnorth]

Kacey - I don't have time to type a novel like many others today - he-he...but hugs once again and you ARE doing the right thing. Your sister went through a tough time and is an ADULT and needs to act that way despite her trials. She needs to face them and move on. Not always do we have loving families to pick us up from the wreckage. Hang in there!

 

[jbachen]

(((HUGS))), Kacey. That is why they call it tough love... it has to be tough to work. And it sounds like you are at that point where nothing but tough love will work. Remember that your sister will be better off in the long run after she gets her act together. You are doing everything you can to help her get her act together, and this tough love step is one that she made necessary herself. I am thinking of you!!

 

[buckeyefan08]

Kacey-
I went through this with my sister and her THREE kids. I was 18, getting married and then found out I was pregnant with my first daughter a week befor the wedding. We only had two bedrooms and I think she thought we were all going to live there as one big happy family. After we got home from our wedding (we got married at the beach, and paid for her to go! Our entire family went.) we gave her two months to get it together. At the time she was mad and totally played the poor me card. Now 5 1/2 yrs. later she admits it was the best thing I could have done for her. Sometimes people are just afraid they can't do something on thier own and need a little tough love. In the end you will have given her the stength and confidence to take care of both her child and herself... even if she doesn't realize it!
Be patient and firm! Good luck!

 

[pampchefrhondab]

Kacey -

I don't have time to type a novel like many others today - he-he...

I resemble that (LOL)!!!

 

[janetupnorth]

I resemble that (LOL)!!!

Hey, they are great stories and examples. I just "pop" in here between things and can't justify long amounts of time...too much to get done!

 

[quiverfull7]

Oh Kacey! You are totally doing the right thing... before the Lord and for your sister. Our oldest daughter ran away when she was 18. She left on the first day of DH's new job after we lost our family farm of 20 years to bankruptcy. She lived apart from us and the Lord for 1 1/2 years. We had to totally give her up to the Lord and ask Him to do whatever He needed to to rescue her mind from the enemy since we already knew that her heart was in the grip of Jesus Grace. She ended up being arrested and it was the best thing that every happened because it changed her life for the better and brought her back to us... why do I tell you this? We had to exhibit the same tough love that you are doing with your sister. She is living with your but she isn't "with you"! She needs to have a wake up call and God is using you to bring it. Stay spiritually on your knees and know that God is in control, even when it feels like your are in a tornado. HE IS THERE! You are learning huge lessons in the peace that passes all understanding. She needs to learn them as well. My tears flow for you. The two of them and you and your DH have been and will continue to go through this difficulty. I pray that is doesn't last much longer. Thanks for sharing your heart with us!

 

[hperschnick]

You are doing the right thing. Until someone MAKES her do the right thing she will take the easy way out. No one wants to do the hard work so they take the path of least resistance (sponging off of you). She is mad because she knows she will have to do the hard work - it will be better for her in the long run - you have to know that in your heart. She should not expect you to take care of her - she is a grown woman. Yes, she has had some hard times but there are people who have had worst things happen and they pull through - she can do it to. Stand strong and be supportive of her efforts but stick to your deadlines and don't cave. This is what is best for your entire family and your neice needs to see that this is NOT how a person lives her life.

Good luck!

 

[jrstephens]

Kacey,

I am so sorry that you are not getting some relief from this situation. I know it must be hard doing what you are doing, but know that you are doing the right thing for your sister. And she will see that in the long when she is on her feet. There is only so much you can do to help a person and then it come time to help themselves. When they are always given a handout and not made to stand on their own two feet then they will not learn to do so. She really need to learn to do so not only for herself but to show her daughter how to stand on her own later in life.

My prayers are with you. Remember, "this to will pass."

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and sourageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed for the Lord your God is with you whereever you go." Joshua 1:9

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Thank you all so much for all your hugs! (yes KG- you did make me smile)

I feel better about it today. She got up and was on the phone right away making calls, and she is off with my niece getting job applications.

I am starting to tell her "no" on quite a few things because it causes her to start calling other people, and most of them are saying no- we can't help you unless you come back to SD, or we can't help you because you aren't a resident of MN- so it's forcing her to start doing the things we told her to do almost 3 months ago- get a new driver's license, get your car registered here, get a job, call a lawyer, file for divorce.... and she hasn't.

If it wasn't for the fact that my niece has told me several times what her father has done to her I would start to doubt my sisters sexual abuse claims against my niece because even though she doesn't want to stay married to her hubby, she won't file for divorce, either... My aunt has stepped in and has said she'll be the bad guy for the next week or so, and if my sister doesn't start making progress then she'll back off, and sister is on her own.

I got a good nights sleep last night, courtesy of Nyquil and Theraflu- so I feel better about telling her that I would not watch my niece and that she'd have to work FT and put the child in daycare- Heck, my Mom had to do it, so can my sister. Just because it might not be a Christian daycare doesn't mean that my niece will learn bad behavior. I taught at a learning center for a few years, and the children were well behaved in my class and were polite and helpful...

I think I'm just tired. We have 3 months to go with sister here and I'm counting the days. She will be spending some time at my parent's house this weekend, while they are out of town, so it will give DH and I some quiet and some time alone and some space. I know the dogs will miss them, but this weekend, I won't! I want my TV, my chair, my kitchen, my livingroom and my bathroom back. Yes, I'm feeling selfish today!

Thanks again for reinforcing what I already know deep down- that tough love is the answer and in the long run I'm doing what is right- even though I feel like I'm just making it harder for her to get on her feet...

Blessings to you guys- you are good cyber-friends!

 

[Chef Michelle D]

I fully understand what you are going through. I had my niece (who is in her 30's) her husband and son live with me twice. Both times for about 5 months, they bought the house next door to me from my mother. The first time they lived here they had to do a lot of work to the house before moving in. At that time I was working full time and had no kids so it wasn't that bad but my house was not "my" house and me and dh had no time to ourselfs.

5 years later they tore down the house and were putting up a new one so they moved in again this time I had my son and I was a home daycare providers. Also my niece was laid off from work and it was summer time so my nephew was home from school. It was the longest 5 months of my life. I could not get away from them all day and night.

Then 2 months after they moved out my mother moved in while we built an in-law addition onto my house. So I understand about having people live with you. You are doing the right thing by setting limits for her, she needs to make a life for herself and her child. Good luck.