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Do I have a right to be upset?

AJPratt

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Silver Member
Oct 11, 2005
6,681
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My husband took my daughter to Walmart last night. As they were making their way down the aisle, he turned away for "just a second" and turned back to see Mary with bubble bath running out of her mouth. Apparently, she coughed and vomited enough that he decided to take her to Urgent Care. Now, I am at work and have no clue this is going on. Thankfully, she is fine. And he calls me on the way home to tell me. He starts with, "Hi, its me. She is OK..." WTH?! I didn't give him a hard time or anything, I was just scared and glad she was OK. I know he must feel bad, so I try to be gentle with him.:rolleyes: When I got home, I asked him that if anything ever happens again like that to call me because I need to be involved if we need to make a decision as far as treatment goes. He gets irritated with me because "she is fine" and "you don't need to make a big deal out of it". I asked him to imagine how he would feel if he got the same call. And I just got a grunt. So, do I have a right to be upset?
 

Liquid Sky

Advanced Member
Jun 8, 2008
769
3
My husband took my daughter to Walmart last night. As they were making their way down the aisle, he turned away for "just a second" and turned back to see Mary with bubble bath running out of her mouth. Apparently, she coughed and vomited enough that he decided to take her to Urgent Care. Now, I am at work and have no clue this is going on. Thankfully, she is fine. And he calls me on the way home to tell me. He starts with, "Hi, its me. She is OK..." WTH?! I didn't give him a hard time or anything, I was just scared and glad she was OK. I know he must feel bad, so I try to be gentle with him.:rolleyes: When I got home, I asked him that if anything ever happens again like that to call me because I need to be involved if we need to make a decision as far as treatment goes. He gets irritated with me because "she is fine" and "you don't need to make a big deal out of it". I asked him to imagine how he would feel if he got the same call. And I just got a grunt. So, do I have a right to be upset?

I understand your side and I see his. He did take her to get care...so he did act on it asap. I can see how he would feel irritated thinking that he has to check in with you first to see how to give the right care. I am thinking of this from my husbands pov as well b/c he once had to explain this to me over a similar scenario.:eek:
 

ChefBeckyD

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Sep 20, 2005
20,376
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Men are different than women. They just are. They don't see the danger in things that we see, and they don't understand why we get upset about it, either. I remember when my little guy was 18 months old, and I came home to my DH and him greeting me at the door, with yucky brown stuff oozing out of the corners of DS's mouth, and a HUGE bandage taped under his chin. When he saw me he started sobbing again. Turns out, he'd fallen in the garage, hit his chin on a piece of lumber, and had a big gash in his chin. DH had cleaned up all the blood, and the brown ooze - well that was the M&M's DH was stuffing in his mouth so he wouldn't be crying when I walked in the door. :eek: I took one look at his chin and said "that's it, we're taking him to urgent care".

I was ticked off with my DH for a little while, but then I came to realize that he just doesn't see those things the same way that I do. That's probably a good thing...because I can be the helicopter mom, and he can be the one who lets the little guy spread his wings. Although, with some of that wing spreading, it's probably better that I don't know all the details. The other thing I realized was that if he had to check in and get approval from me for all of his parenting decisions, then I wasn't trusting him to be a parent, and was in a way, treating him like my child, and not my husband. Does that make sense?


And I just want to point out that BOTH times my son has had to be rushed to Emergency for stitches, it was while he was under the watchful eye of Daddy. :rolleyes: I'm just sayin'...
 

AJPratt

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Oct 11, 2005
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I guess it just bothers me because I would have called him on the way to let him know.
 

Rosebud

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Dec 10, 2009
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0
Anne I COMPLETELY Agree with you!!! My daughter is 2 1/2 and my mouth fell open when I read your post. I read it to my husband and told him I would ream him a new a-hole if he ever pulled something like that with our daughter. He completely agreed with me that you should of been in the loop from the get go.

But I am so glad she's OK!
 

pcsharon1

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Oct 17, 2008
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Hey, Anne! I have to admit that I can see both sides. I can see where he probably thinks you are telling him he has to "check in" with you on these sort of things. At the same time, as a mom at home with a three year old and no way to call and check in with dad to let him know what's going on - I can see the just get it done side and then telling what happened next time we talk.

But I have to say that every time it's come to something like that I have called and talked to him first - we were in Virginia visiting a couple years back when Tristan (not quite 2 at the time) dislocated his elbow. I called before I took him to the ER to let Travis know what was going on. And then, here, just last December he dislocated it again and that time I had to call Travis because he had the car - but I would have called him anyway.

They are just different. I wasn't calling to get permission, I was calling to get confirmation that what I thought I needed to do was right and keep him in the loop. Guys just automatically assume they are right and feel that they are calling for "permission" - at least that is the story I've been given in similiar situations.
 

scottcooks

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Jul 7, 2005
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He feels guilty. You're reminding him about his guiltiness. Sorry to go here, but in my 40-some years, I've been to enough therapy to ask... how's his relationship with his mom?

You are just asking for open communication (your reason is your own; another mom would've wanted assurance, another to feel connected w/ situation).

He is also embarassed that this happened 'on his watch'. When the drama of the event dies down, Kiss Kick Kiss: Honey, thanks so much for contacting me and doing such a great job taking SweetiePie to urgent care. You did the right thing. I want to be there to support you and her in a situation like that. Could you let me know sooner if there is a next time? We can be a family through thick and thin that way. Thanks, and again--ya' done good!
 

NooraK

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Feb 6, 2008
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I was going to say the same thing as Scott. At this point, he probably feels like a bad dad for letting it happen, and it doesn't make him feel better to know you're upset about it. Not that it means you don't have the right to feel upset about it. You just want to direct that feeling more towards feeling upset about what happened, not what he did. He did do the right thing taking her to urgent care, and probably didn't want to worry you unnecessarily unless the doctor said there was something to worry about.
 

Jolie_Paradoxe

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Apr 15, 2009
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I can see both sides. Personally, I'd ask him to call me so that I knew what was happening and to keep me updated for my own anxiety. I'd probably be annoyed or offended if my hubby asked me to call him to discuss treatment. That does smack of not being trusted. Plus if the issue is a serious one, I'd hate to have to waste any time discussing pros and cons. Just my opinion.

My son and husband went to the ER once because Tristan at 18 months sprayed my husband AND his own eyes with Air Freshener. My husband immediately got both of them to the hospital. He did NOT call and tell me until the crisis was over. He was embarassed and feeling like a horrible dad, and it was painful for him to admit what had happened.

I was annoyed that he didn't call me, but at the same time I understood that there was no time to call. I think it's important to be kept informed, and maybe that's what you need to relay to him?

And like Becky stated, each time there has been an injury or mini-crisis...it has been during Daddy's watch. They just don't see all those lurking dangers like we do. :)
 

raebates

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Staff member
Dec 6, 2005
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  • #10
I'm with the others. I can definitely understand why you were upset. However, he's her daddy. It wasn't a life-threatening situation. Once things have calmed down talk about your expectations in an emergency--even a small one.
 

pampered1224

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Apr 13, 2004
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  • #11
I am going to chime in here as well and you are gonna be mad at me. Think back to a time when something drastic happened on your watch. Then think about the things you were thinking at the time. Did you call him? Everything he did was reactive to fixing the problem and get help a.s.a.p. Not to stopping to call you. Would you have been as upset with him if he had called you and in that 5 minutes on the phone checking in with you, and that phone call would have caused more damage to your baby? All he was thinking about was helping. Not "damage control" with mommy. Now if he had gotten to urgent care and it would have been worse and he had not called, then I think you could have reamed him a new one. Men do things this way: Sees fire, he yells fire and starts to put it out. He does not ask you how to put it out, he just does it. The washing machine overflows, he turns it off, mops up the mess and does not sit there watching water go all over the place and calls you to ask what he should do. In fact, you would have jumped all over him for just standing there! He watched your baby spit this stuff out and grabbed her and ran to urgent care.
 

loreo

Banned
Nov 24, 2008
476
3
  • #12
Try finding peace in the fact that he handled the situation and that he will be able to do so in the future as well.

Also know that letting him handle this does not not make you any less of a mother.
 

mscharf

Advanced Member
Oct 19, 2008
700
0
  • #13
1. Thank God she is okay.
2. Don't be angry with him, we all know we don't always think clearly when our adrenaline is pumping, his concern was to get her to a Dr, and for that you should be grateful. From his POV he didn't want to worry you if it was nothing, since you were at work.
I am sure he was doing what HE thought was best, we ladies have to remember our idea of what is best might differ from our hubby, but that is okay. You don't want to be mad at him, because God forbid she gets hurt on your watch (it always happens), you don't want him to be mad at you for the way you handle it.

Happy to hear she is okay. Count your blessings and move on (maybe with a movie and popcorn family night!!)
 

Sheila

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Mar 26, 2008
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  • #14
(((hugs))) Sorry that he didn't think to include you in the situation but chose to inform you later. I do think that you should feel blessed that he started with the "she's okay" part. My husband would have gone thorough an entire 5 minute synopsis & THEN added that part! LOL

I also agree with the others that you need to trust that your husband can handle the parenting job too. He shouldn't have to call for permission on how to treat your child. But in today's society, odds are he had a cell phone in his pocket & could have called from the Urgent Care center to let you know that they were there, what happened & that they were waiting in triage, waiting to see the Dr., etc.

I have to admit, I'm a VERY calm person in emergencies. Our 2.5 year old pushed her chair back in a restaurant the other day & flipped it over backward. Just as I was about to say "are you okay baby?" my husband turned around, saw her on the ground & screamed "OH MY GOD!!!" Every single customer in the place turned to see what happened. Of course, when he flipped out, so did our daughter. She immediately went into a high pitched scream. My hubby is ALWAYS like that. Every single time one of the kids has a bump or a small cut, he freaks out and gets overly excited. They feed off his reaction. So if the situation were reversed, I'd probably take our child in for treatment & tell the hubby later ... just because I wouldn't want him at the ER making the environment more tense for our child. :blushing:
 

pcsharon1

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Oct 17, 2008
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  • #15
(((hugs))) I have to admit, I'm a VERY calm person in emergencies. Our 2.5 year old pushed her chair back in a restaurant the other day & flipped it over backward. Just as I was about to say "are you okay baby?" my husband turned around, saw her on the ground & screamed "OH MY GOD!!!" Every single customer in the place turned to see what happened. Of course, when he flipped out, so did our daughter. She immediately went into a high pitched scream. My hubby is ALWAYS like that. Every single time one of the kids has a bump or a small cut, he freaks out and gets overly excited. They feed off his reaction. So if the situation were reversed, I'd probably take our child in for treatment & tell the hubby later ... just because I wouldn't want him at the ER making the environment more tense for our child. :blushing:

This is how my husband is too! What is it with our big, strong military men turning into complete freaks over their babies? :confused:
 

Liquid Sky

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Jun 8, 2008
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  • #16
I am going to chime in here as well and you are gonna be mad at me. Think back to a time when something drastic happened on your watch. Then think about the things you were thinking at the time. Did you call him? Everything he did was reactive to fixing the problem and get help a.s.a.p. Not to stopping to call you. Would you have been as upset with him if he had called you and in that 5 minutes on the phone checking in with you, and that phone call would have caused more damage to your baby? All he was thinking about was helping. Not "damage control" with mommy. Now if he had gotten to urgent care and it would have been worse and he had not called, then I think you could have reamed him a new one. Men do things this way: Sees fire, he yells fire and starts to put it out. He does not ask you how to put it out, he just does it. The washing machine overflows, he turns it off, mops up the mess and does not sit there watching water go all over the place and calls you to ask what he should do. In fact, you would have jumped all over him for just standing there! He watched your baby spit this stuff out and grabbed her and ran to urgent care.

Exactly what I wanted to say but couldn't spit it out fast enough :)
 

AJPratt

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Oct 11, 2005
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I did tell Dave that I was glad he caught it fast and that he took Mary to Urgent Care right away. And, accidents happen. I do very much trust his judgement. I had a time where Mary fell off of one of her little riding toys in the driveway, got pretty banged up on her head and I took her right into her Ped. I called him on the way. I guess I just want him to give me a heads up in case I have to leave work early. I am glad he didn't take her to the ER. Could you imagine working and seeing your child's name pop up?
 

vanscootin

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Feb 9, 2010
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  • #18
Just remember that you and your hubby are a team.

My husband is my daughter's step father and I trust him more than my ex-husband (her father) with her care... her father doesn't know who her doctor is or have a copy of her insurance card. He never asked... and she's 4. God forbid something ever happen to her when she is at his mom's house for her "week end visit."
 

smart2cook

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Feb 27, 2010
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  • #19
Everyone has given you great advice and Scott pretty much hit it right on the nose (in my life experiences). I might interject that when it comes to our children, I think we naturally are needing to "know" but we have allow our spouses the room to be the parent we love them and trust them to be. They will tell us and I do believe that if it were a situation of a more serious nature-he would have called you. His first response was natural and to get her help! He did an excellent job. You did too, just breathe and release.....hugs.
 

AJPratt

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Oct 11, 2005
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He feels guilty. You're reminding him about his guiltiness. Sorry to go here, but in my 40-some years, I've been to enough therapy to ask... how's his relationship with his mom?

You are just asking for open communication (your reason is your own; another mom would've wanted assurance, another to feel connected w/ situation).

He is also embarassed that this happened 'on his watch'. When the drama of the event dies down, Kiss Kick Kiss: Honey, thanks so much for contacting me and doing such a great job taking SweetiePie to urgent care. You did the right thing. I want to be there to support you and her in a situation like that. Could you let me know sooner if there is a next time? We can be a family through thick and thin that way. Thanks, and again--ya' done good!

I do love this advice! Thank you, Scott!

I wanted to add: His relationship with his Mom is great. They are very close. He tells her EVERYTHING. Nothing is sacred (not even visits to my OB/GYN... sorry TMI).
 
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