Personal Navigating Love with a Retired Military Man: Tips and Advice for Dating

[susanr613]

Hi -
I haven't posted in forever and I do remember quite a few military spouses on this board.

I am contemplating dating a retired career military guy. He spent most of his career in Europe and Asia, but he did deploy to Iraq shortly after 9/11. He seems like a very nice, confident, settled person and I would like to get to know him better.

I am a little gun-shy (pun intended) of getting involved with anyone in general, and I have been fooled more than once by a wolf in sheep's clothing. Plus, the media highlights vets who suffer lingering issues from being in combat.

So, what, if anything, should I be aware of? Should I ask about his combat service or avoid it? Are there any red flags to look for? Or, should I just treat him like anyone else?

Thanks!!
Susan

 

[Sheila]

Retired military guys are human just like anyone else. PTSD is always a possiblity, but you'll see signs. If he's always on alert to the point that he can't function in life, if you wake him & he comes up fighting, etc. ~ those are some causes of concern. You can choose to work with him & encourage him to get counseling and support him through the process or you can do the tough love route & tell him to give you a call when he decides to go that route. Your approach is up to you. If he's having issues, it's not fair to him or to you to live with the issues & try to function around them. But like any man, just make sure that he treats you like a queen. If he's controlling, verbally abusive or physically abusive ... get out! If he worships the ground you walk on, he's probably a keeper.

 

[loreo]

Agree with all of the above. Remember- not everyone who was in Iraq was involved in combat. Don't expect him to completely open up at first. Many want to just move forward and not discuss the past. This is not necessarily a sign of PTSD.

 

[Brenda.the.chef]

I just started dating a military man in February. Freshly returned from Iraq in December 2010. I wasn't looking, nor was he. We just ran into one another at a Subway in Southern Illinois. I invited him to join me and a friend for lunch and we've been together ever since. I believe he is my soulmate. :love:

If anything, be a good listener and follow your gut instinct. Don't just assume that all soldiers have issues. You'll probably be able to tell early in the conversation if there are red flags.

 

[sherri lynn]

I agree with the above posters, and just want to add that my dad fought in Vietnam and never did discuss the war with anyone buy his army buddies in private. And I think my dad was a good man that treated my mom very well. They had a wonderful marriage, a great example for me to follow, and in the 34 years they were together (he died in 2001 at the age of 52) I NEVER heard them argue. Mom says they just did it behind closed doors. So, even if he doesn't want to discuss military talk with you, don't be offended or assume anything. IMHO

 

[pcsharon1]

It's nothing different than in anybody elses life. Yes, it's a war situation, but that doesn't even mean that he was anywhere near combat. My husband deployed immediately following 9/11 and never even made it out of Kuwait. Saw nothing in the entire six months he was there that time. He just got back in March from another year long deployment and again, while they were in a combat setting the job he was performing at the time kept him from being front lines and seeing a lot. There are lots of traumas that people can go through in their lives. This is just another one in this day and age. That's incredibly unfortunate to have to say but don't let the fact that he is retired military have anything to do with it. It's how he is as a person that matters. The fact that he is retired actually says something about him being able to stick with things. Not everyone can stick it out to retirement. The ones who do seem to be pretty settled into their lives and content.

 

[Sheila]

AND (continuing on with Sharon's thought) the ones who have spent much time in the military without a wife can usually cook, clean, scrub toilets, do laundry, etc. LOL

 

[Brenda.the.chef]

AND (continuing on with Sharon's thought) the ones who have spent much time in the military without a wife can usually cook, clean, scrub toilets, do laundry, etc. LOL

AMEN! Mine is a domestic GOD! I haven't cut my grass since we met! I've been cutting my grass for YEARS and I'd love to think I'm in withdrawls, but I'm NOT! lol:sing:

 

[pcsharon1]

AND (continuing on with Sharon's thought) the ones who have spent much time in the military without a wife can usually cook, clean, scrub toilets, do laundry, etc. LOL

Oh, see Sheila! I didn't even think to go there because we've been married (and military) since we were both 18. Went from momma doing all that for him, to me doing all that for him. And now that we have a four year old, it's getting old taking care of two people.

 

[Sheila]

I started dating my hubby in 1985! Didn't marry him until the 3rd go around in 2004. He said "third time's a charm" ... I told him (very seriously) "or 3rd strike, you're OUT!" So far, it's been a charm. Letting him have lots of time after graduation out on his own made a HUGE difference in the kid I knew in High School & the Sailor I married in 2004. He's GREAT at helping out around the house. Although I did have to ask him to quit washing MY clothes after he ruined a $110 swimsuit ~ and it took me several weeks to figure out he wasn't putting fabric softener in the wash. Ever wonder how itchy lace bras are with no fabric softener? Trust me, you don't WANT to know! LOL Now he does his laundry & I do mine. He's not afraid to cook, do dishes, clean toilets or tubs. He does all his own laundry & will occasionally do the kids laundry now. He's not one to sweep & mop, but he runs the vacuum every day! And he dusts too!

 

[lt1jane]

I spent time in Iraq from May of 2003 until March of 2004. My most significant accomplishment over there was memorizing my check card! (I was bored and sat at a computer a lot.) I was in Souther Iraq near An Nasiriyah (where they found Jessica Lynch) on an abandoned air base that we bombed the heck out of in 1991. Once we occupied it, we started to find a lot of unexploded ordinance (bombs). The EOD (Exposive Ordinance Disposal) teams usually would call out on the radios that there would be an explosion in __ minutes, but you didin't always catch those calls. After a while we realized if you heard an explosion near the top of bottom of the hour, it was EOD.

One day, there was a really loud explosion. It made me jump more than normal. I remember saying to no one in particulare, "Thanks EOD!!" (For not warning us.) Later that day at my end of day briefing, we found it it WASN'T EOD, it was the Italian run police station in town 13 kilometers away. Suicide bomb.

My husband says I am now a bit jumpier than I was before (I have always been the type to jump/scream at a movie.) Now, a good thunderstorm will wake me up and have me sitting up in bed. Other than that, I am fine...

 

[susanr613]

Thank you everyone for your insights - they are very helpful and a good reminder that people are people no matter what they have done for a living. I knew I'd get some good advice by coming to this board! LT1Jane thank you for sharing your own experiences and the aftereffects

 

[cookinfletch]

Good luck, Susan! I'm not involved with the military in any way, but I didn't get married til I was 48, so I know how rare the true gems are- I hope you have found one!!

 

[dme.grant]

As the proud great-granddaughter, granddaughter, daughter, sister, self, and wife of even prouder military members, I have to say that this life, like every other, comes with its ups and downs. There are some things we don't talk about (no one really knew what Pop Pops did during the war and it was better not to ask) and some things we are very open about. It all depends on the person and their personal experience. But you could also say that about any civilian police officer, fireman, or bus driver!

I'll also go along with what Sheila said. All of the men in my family have been house cleaners, cooks and generally some of the most self sufficient people I've ever known. My father-in-law on the other hand, while he's an awesome man, calls my MIL about 6 times a day while she's on vacation to figure out how to do things around the house without her!! I am very blessed to have had such a wonderful example growing up of what a real man is all about, and I was lucky enough to find one!!

Good luck, and I hope it works out for you!

 

[colegrovet]

AND (continuing on with Sharon's thought) the ones who have spent much time in the military without a wife can usually cook, clean, scrub toilets, do laundry, etc. LOL

Yes Sheila, as a vet, I can do all that.. and still do..

 

[Sheila]

Good for you Terry! Most men can't ... or at least pretend that they can't. I'm having flashbacks of my Dad. The girls of the house were at my grandmother's and he got hungry at home & decided to fix himself a grilled cheese sandwich. He tossed in some butter, let it melt & then tossed in 2 slices of bread. When the bread soaked up all the butter, he added more. 2 sticks of butter later, we walked in to find him frustrated with 2 very soggy pieces of bread!

I am VERY thankful for my self-sufficient husband who can function in my absence. Heck, I even went from Tokyo up to Misawa for 3 days to do some training with my upline & came back to a clean house with happy toddlers who were both still alive!

 

[raebates]

I married a marine right out of boot camp. I don't have any advice for you, but I'm glad to see your smiling face.

 

[pampered1224]

Susan - what does your heart tell you? First I am assuming you are not going to move in with him the minute after you go out with him once right? So going out with him will give you time to get to know him. And he you. So what is there to loose right? And what I hear is that you really have decided to give it a go or you would not have asked. I say go for it. Yes, I know you are gun shy in every way but hey, give yourself a chance! You deserve to be happy and it will not happen if you don't try.