Rant Ticked Off (In-Law Rant...)

crystalscookingnow

My DH makes a stocking for me each year. He takes the kids shopping (all 3!) and they pick out my gifts plus my stocking stuffers together.

legacypc46

I don't have children, but if I did, I would be so rip-roaring upset. I spent a lot of Christmas Eve's determined to stay awake and see Santa...of course I always fell asleep. But it was so magical to wake up and discover the extra presents under the tree and the stockings full.

I think your MIL needs to understand in no uncertain terms that she crossed a line.

ChefBeckyD

You know...it's a family thing for them. Oh, where to begin! The whole family (other than my DH) is very religious. By that, I mean that they have a TON of rules to follow, but can't really explain to you why - or even where in the Bible it might address these rules.

For instance - you don't mow your lawn, go shopping, or out to eat on Sundays. That's against the rules. BUT you can get together for Sunday lunch, and rip everyone you saw in church to shreds. That's okay.

Drinking wine with dinner - that would be sin...but you can make derogatory remarks and ethnic slurs against anyone who isn't a WASP, and that is okay. (I've had to remove myself and my son from the room so that he isn't subject to it...and let him know that in our house, THAT is a sin!)

Seriously - I have asked my DH many times how his whole family can be like this, but he isn't? Because he's not. It baffles me! However, he is so used to it, that he doesn't even hear it anymore...or else he just lets it roll off his shoulders and ignores it.

I have already dealt with a nephew (who is 1 yr older than my son) trying to tell him that there isn't a Santa...as his mother sat next to him and just smiled. I intervened there before it got too far, but his mother was perfectly fine with that...because to the family, believing in Santa is a Sin!

So, telling them they've crossed the line? I'd have to get the entire family together to let them all know.

lisasfuncooking

For the record. There is a Santa. It doesn't matter how old you are. Think of how many kids and adults that are less fortunate to have Christmas presents or even a Christmas dinner. Is it not through other peoples love and kindness that help provide this for them.
Even though we may not dress in a red suit and come down the chimney, the magic of Santa is there. While it is a Christian holiday, I believe that is is also in the spirit of our love for the Lord, to be giving to those around us. I am not saying every kid should get everything they want. But to instill in our children the magic of Santa and to help others and be giving. At times I may only be able to do a little, but when we all come together to help make a Christmas special for a family. Santa is right there.
I know we all have different opinions.
I would first rant, rant, rant!
Talk to your husband. Decide who NEEDS to speak with your MIL. Sometimes when I have a lot to say and upset about something, I write it down first, so I know what to say and how to choose my words carefully. Then I would pick up the phone. Explain to her that while you respect the was she raised her children the way she thought was right, you need the same respect. She doesn't have to like it or agree with you.But with Santa, as well as other believes you as parents choose to instill in your son, you really need her support. While it may fall on deaf ears, you need to say it. Unfortunately, if she continues to override your believes and rules. I would lessen the time your son is allowed to spend time with them. Let us know how it goes.

raebates

Yes, that's the first one. It was published in 1994, so I'm sure it's available out there on all those super-cheap sites. I think Micah would really enjoy it. He's a smart boy, and, as I said, the book really does keep the magic alive.

etteluap70PC

WOW Becky! That stinks!!!

She had no right to discuss something like that. That is for parents to determine!

ChefBeckyD

I found it on Amazon - and it even had the feature where I could go in and read a few pages of it! I loved just the few pages that I read...can't wait to get it! I was able to get the trilogy for $18!

Oh - and he did a cookbook with recipes from Santa too...I'll have to wait on that one though.

raebates

I'm so glad, Becky. I'm not at all surprised that you fell in love after just the first few pages. You won't be sorry. I just got done re-reading The Autobiography of Santa Claus last night. I started How Mrs. Claus Saved Christmas today.

BethanyN

I didn't grow up "believing" in Santa, per se (we went and sat on the lap of a man in a Santa costume at the mall, but knew that our parents gave us our Christmas presents), but even as someone who never had the tragic "Santa isn't real?" moment, I have to say - your mother in law was TOTALLY out of line for messing with your family's Christmas traditions! I would be absolutely livid!

My one piece of advice (that I've learned the hard way) would be this - leave it to your husband to discuss it with his mom. Since he's known her since birth and was raised by her, he's got a better sense of the family dynamic with her and can address the problem without turning it into a gigantic feud. My mother-in-law and I don't get along at all, and she's done some pretty rotten things, but every time I've tried to be the one to address an issue with her (even though I was definitely right and she was definitely wrong), it's just made the situation even worse. Talk to your husband, decide together what should be done/said, and then make sure that he's the one to say it. If you tell her how you feel, she will most likely write you off or think you're being ridiculous. If her own flesh and blood tells her, she might be more inclined to listen. JMHO.

TrishPCMommy

I'm not sure I would've been able to bite my tongue! Congrats to you when your MIL said it again in front of you! We believe in Santa as well as celebrate the birth of Jesus at Christmastime. We still have stockings for everyone, including our dogs. If we weren't in Wichita, I'm sure my mom would have a stocking for each of us too; we don't always get a chance to go visit and everyone else in our family is in FL (their stockings will all be hanging--knowing her, she'll wrap an "empty box" and write TO: WICHITA, FROM: SANTA on it for her other grandkids to see). Before we moved from FL, she made a stocking for all of us, including husbands and children and everyone's pet!
My in-laws didn't celebrate much either, but my hubby is learning (STILL, after 8 years of marriage!) how to make/fill a stocking and I addressed "Santa" with my inlaws while I was still dating my now hubby. It came up our first Christmas with his nephews and my response surprised them when I told his nephews that I believed in Santa and the magic he brings. Santa fills the air with magic, Jesus fills the air with blessings, and during the holidays, we need both!
My baby sister married a man who was born and raised in Holland and they actually celebrate St. Nicholas Day with gifts and everything! Then, on December 24-25th, they celebrate Christmas.
I hope all smoothes over with your MIL understanding where you stand and maybe you talking to them with DH will let her know that she needs to respect how you raise Micah.

pampcheflisa

Becky, I am so, so sorry you have to deal with that!!
I can totally sympathize with you. I don't really have any advice, but I know exactly what you're feeling and going through. My in-laws are similar, and it is so difficult to shield your children from family members.
I also understand the passive-agressiveness, and also not being able to address it with them. Sigh. My thoughts and prayers are with you!!!

raebates

Becky, I was talking with The Furry Guy about this whole thing. It sounds like talking with your MIL isn't really an option. You might want to use the tactic we used with my mom. She was the one with all of the rules--rules that she saw as Christian but we just viewed as legalism. By the time Shawn was about Micah's age she started trying to instill these same rules in him. We simply told him that Grandma believed certain things, but that didn't mean we had to believe them, too. It was okay for Grandma, but he should talk to us about anything she told him so that we could talk about whether that was something we chose to do in our home.

It worked well. It also helped our son to learn early on that different people believe different things, and each of us needs to decide for ourselves what is important.

ChefBeckyD

Rae - that's it EXACTLY! We have a very different view of what Christianity means, and she (along with FIL) are trying to instill their values (rules) in Micah. They (along with the rest of DH's family) already are concerned about him because he wasn't baptized as an infant, so I think this is their way of doing what they can to ensure salvation as they know it.

Keeping him away from them wouldn't be right either. I've had enough family drama in my life, and I want Micah to have his grandparents for as long as he can. (he's young, they're older...) He sees my dad only sporadically, and my mom's Alzheimer's keeps her from being totally present in his life.

So, yes - I've told him that Grandma doesn't believe what we believe, and that we do things different in our family.

It burns me...but I will forgive, and move on, and my son will be raised in a home with fun, imagination, and wonder - where the Spirit of Christmas is honored fully! We give to others, and we live, love, laugh, and enjoy life, because of the Gift of Life that has been given to us!

Jinkies

Wow. Just wow. I am almost 32 and have been married for over five years and my mom still gives me a stocking and signs some of the presents from Santa! I love that she still does that :-D I am also the oldest of seven in my family and as we figured out there was no Santa, we still played along for the younger ones.
Why is your MIL so miserable? Did you ask her why she felt the need to tell your DS that? What does your FIL say? I would tell her if she can't keep her opinions to herself on these matters, then that was the last time he was going to be alone with her ever again. Your DS does not need to be around a person like that.

AJPratt

Becky, you are certainly a better person that I. I would have totally lost my cool on this. My MIL is the most religious person I know. She is full of grace and peace, can quote the Bible and really makes it her point to live according to God's word. And, they taught my DH about Santa growing up.

pampcheflisa

I completely understand where you are coming from! I am 33, and was raised in a family like yours, my mom still spoils my brother and me and we still get stockings, etc. But, the thing I've learned after 7 years of marriage, is that you cannot change your in laws!! As much as we'd like to, we can only change the way we ourselves handle it. I come from such a wonderfully, close family, that I've had a lot of trouble dealing with my in-laws and it only got worse once my children entered the picture. Her in-laws believe THEY are the ones in the right, so talking or arguing won't solve anything them. Add in the whole passive-aggressive to the scenario and it just adds extra drama. That's the reason for the need to vent to us!! On the subject of not letting your child be around their grandparents, you have to let them make their own opinions about them and learn to deal with all types of personalities in the world. If I never saw my in laws again, I'd probably be alright, but it's not fair to project my feelings about them on my kids. They must decide on their own how much they want to be around them, and it wouldn't be right to interfere with that relationship. That way, you aren't the one to blame. (I know this from my own personal experience with my grandparents!!)

ChefBeckyD

Your MIL would be almost the exact opposite of mine. Mine is full of anxiety and fear, very self-conscious, always worried about what other people think of her, knows lots of rules of religion (can't really quote the Bible though) and makes it a point to live according to her religious upbringing. (which really has little to do with God's Word - instead it's a lot of man-made rules)

I consider MY MOM to be one of the Godliest women I've ever known. She has been a bastion of wisdom, kindness, and grace & peace for me throughout my life. Right now is one of those times when I really wish I could have my Mom back...she's here, but not...

I guess that's why I vent on here, because I can't vent to her....but in all of this, I know my Mom would choose kindness and forgiveness. She is also one of the most forgiving people I've ever known. People (even still today, in the nursing home!) have always been drawn to her because she makes them feel so loved.

babywings76

I just can't believe that she had the nerve to do that! I'm impressed that you have kept your cool. I don't know if I could've refrained from calling her up and giving her a tongue lashing! And then for her to do it again right in front of you--how crazy! She had no right to do that. I do love the Polar Express movie and definitely think you could use that movie to drive it home that some adults just don't get it. (Of course, sounds like she NEVER got it) How rotten to smash the dreams of a child.

Jean DeVries

If you want, when I come over tonight to pick up the forms, I can tell him his grandma isn't real.

janetupnorth

Becky -

Let me just share my devotional today that I wrote for myself since I’m finding that today I am in danger of many people robbing my JOY for the week. There are so many things around illness, stress, life circumstances, things that seem to be bothering everyone today that I am finding I have to FIGHT for my joy and to be pleasant.

Joy is often described as Jesus first, others second, yourself last. Isn’t it hard to put others second when they are the thieves of your joy? Don’t we often want to put the “me” ahead?

We need to press on toward Christ and what HE has for us:

Philippians 3:12 -21
“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained.
Join with others in following my example, brothers (in this case sisters), and take note of those who live according to the pattern we gave you. For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.”

I'm sure you'll find a way to apply that and keep the joy in your family and with your celebrations. Don't let you MIL steal your joy or your JOY (being able to put Christ and others first).

Love you!