The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

nikked

My two favorite "standards" (blonde and crossing the road):

Q: Why don't blondes breastfeed?
A: It hurts to much to boil their nipples!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To prove to the armadillo it can be done (lived in TX for awhile and heard it on the radio)

The_Kitchen_Guy

WARNING! Adult Content Follows
-------------------------------
An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to
get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be
hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the
governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about,
What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after
all.

Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs
to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband's rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed,"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP??!!"

pcchris

Boy, you got that right!!!! Pewaukee cops don't mess around!!! (sorry, it's not a joke!!!)

The_Kitchen_Guy

The Village cops aren't so bad but the Town cops shoot first and ask questions when they sort out the bodies.

The_Kitchen_Guy

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, may I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...

pcchris

ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is too funny!
(back to pewaukee cops...the city cops are as bad as the town cops)
I did receive a funny joke via email today, however, waaaaaaaaaay not suitable for transfer to this site...sorry folks!

The_Kitchen_Guy

A guy is really speeding when a cop tries to pull him over. The guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph with the cop in hot pursuit. After awhile, he realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

The guy says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you trying to bring her back!"

The_Kitchen_Guy

A cop stops a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man says, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snaps the cop. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say..."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later, the cop looks in on his prisoner and says, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," the guy says. "I'm the groom."

The_Kitchen_Guy

It seems that there was a little old church out in the countryside: painted white and with a high steeple.

One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job.

He got done with the first side. It was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didn't want to run back in town and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint.

It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint.

That night, it rained: it rained hard. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the other three sides had washed away.

The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out, "What shall I do?"

A voice came back from the heavens saying, "Repaint, and thin no more!"

The_Kitchen_Guy

REASON TO KEEP QUIET IN CHURCH

A mother was giving instructions to her three children as she sent them into Sunday school, "And, why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Her son quickly responded, "Because people are sleeping!"

WHY DOESN'T GOD ANSWER?

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her preacher father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his mesages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me to preach a good sermon."

"Well then, how come He doesn't do it?" she asked.

MORE FUN YELLING

After a church service on Sunday Morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

Surprised, his mother asked him how he reached this conclusion.

"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit and listen."

LETTER TO GOD

A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday.

One little boy wrote, "Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could have been there."

PLAY BALL

A father took his 5-year-old son to several baseball games where The Star-spangled Banner was sung before the start of each game.

Then the father and son attended a church on a Sunday shortly before Independence Day. The congregation sang The Star-spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out, "PLAY BALL!!!"

GIVE HIM THE MONEY

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.

Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

A GOOD POINT

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.

"Why, God tells me."

"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

The_Kitchen_Guy

Aibohphobia: the fear of palindromes.

thechefofnorthbend

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.

Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT is why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it!!

Signed,
All Us Women

thechefofnorthbend

Words Women Use


FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and
you need to shut up.



FIVE MINUTES

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only
five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game
before helping around the house.





NOTHING

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you
should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in
"Fine"





GO AHEAD

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.





LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over
"Nothing"!





THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to
a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.



THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're
welcome.


"WHATEVER"

...it's a woman's way of saying *F___ YOU*!

thechefofnorthbend

Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean play. The first little boy was to say, "My fair maiden.... I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope."

The second little boy was to reply by saying, "Hark!, a pistol shot."
On opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups.

The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain went up. The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified. They stood there frozen. The teacher whispered for them to begin. The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words..... "My fair maiden.... I have come to kiss your snatch, and fill your hole with soap!"

The second boy screams out....."Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, this is bull shit... I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway..."

The audience left howling.

The_Kitchen_Guy

Here ya go, Darby - the followup to your "Words" post:

The rules for men:

1. The female always makes the rules.

2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No male can possibly know all the rules.

4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.

10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

raebates

Researchers have conclusively proven that laughter is indeed the best medicine. This news has prompted thousands of senior citizens to flood into Canada in search of cheap laughs.

chef_leeanne

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder


These are the diagnostic criteria for A. A. A. D. D., a newly-described, but serious disorder among the aging. This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only one check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

chef_leeanne

THINGS HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

------- ------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

################################################## ##

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

************************************************** ******************************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++

I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

================================================== ===

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.

chef_leeanne

An Open Letter to My Pets

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years---canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I can’t stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it “fur”nature.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don’t ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don’t smoke or drink
7. Don’t worry about having to buy the latest fashions
8. Don’t wear your clothes
9. Don’t need a gazillion dollars for college
10. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

thechefofnorthbend

Male or Female?



You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living
objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:






FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything

in, but you can see right through them.



PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off;

it takes a while to warm them up again.



They are also an effective reproductive device if the right

buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong
Buttons.



TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and
are often over inflated.




HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them

to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.



SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft,
squeezable and retain water.



WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently
getting hit on.





TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same

old lines for picking up people.



EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all

the weight shifts to the bottom.



HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've
hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.



THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it
would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd

be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to
push, he just keeps trying