The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

chefann

Groan!

That's pretty bad, KG. Even for you.

lkprescott

Q: Why are Unitarians such lousy singers?
A: They're scanning ahead to see whether or not they agree with the words.

chefmeg

Funny!

The_Kitchen_Guy

I thought you'd groan accustomed to me by this time.

(I'm half past Indiana as we speak.)

I heard the Kitties beat up on the Teddy Bears today...gee, the Kitties could actually win the division this year - now THAT'S funny!

raebates

During the Middle Ages, there was an old king who ruled a vast kingdom. King Cole was a kind ruler, but he was known for his slightly mad decrees. For example, one year, he decreed that the cabbage tithed to him be diced and covered in mayonnaise. It was, of course, called Cole’s Law.

chefann

WARNING. ADULT CONTENT

* The Top 12 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love *

12. "Ahhh! Yoda's little friend you seek!"
11. "Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must."
10. "Feel the force!"
9. "Foreplay, cuddling - a Jedi craves not these things."
8. "Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I must!"
7. "Do me or do me not - there is no try."
6. "Early must I rise. Leave now you must!"
5. "You know, this would be a lot more fun without Frank Oz's hand up my ass."
4. "Happens to every guy sometimes this does."
3. "When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmm?"
2. "Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!"
1. "Who's your Jedi master? WHO'S your Jedi Master?"

The_Kitchen_Guy

I defended her honor, so she offered her honor,
I honored her offer and all night
It was honor and offer.

raebates

Thanks, Ann. I'm sitting at my temp job trying to look busy until they have another project for me. Just as I'm giggling at your post, the president of the company walks by and asks me what's so funny. Thankfully he was in front of the desk and couldn't read what I was reading. I just told him it was a joke someone had sent me, which is technically correct. (I consider all posts here to be personally submitted for my enjoyment.)

chefann

We aim to please.

The_Kitchen_Guy

I aim, too, please.

ChefBeckyD

As a mom of a 3 yr old boy, I am now realizing how important good aim is!

chefann

The World's Shortest Books:

1. Al Gore: The Wild Years
2. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
3. America's Most Popular Lawyers
4. Career Opportunities for History Majors
5. Detroit - A Travel Guide
6. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
7. Easy UNIX
8. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
9. Everything Men Know about Women
10. Everything Women Know about Men
11. French Hospitality
12. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
13. How to Sustain A Musical Career, by Art Garfunkel
14. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
15. The Amish Phone Book
And the Number One World's Shortest Book,
16. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

chefann

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv.

"So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks.

"Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day."

"Oh, my God!" says Sid, "so that's what heaven is like..."

"Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."

ChefBeckyD

Those are hilarious!

DH went to work today dressed as an engineer nerd. He had a pocket protector and his hair parted on the side and slicked down....and a brief case....and big glasses with tape in the middle of them - it was hilarious!

The_Kitchen_Guy

A little kid says to his dad one day, "When I grow up, I want to be a musician!"

"I'm sorry, Son," the Old Man says. "You can't have it both ways."

* * * * * *

Q: What's the difference between a 16" pizza and a musician?

A: A 16" pizza can feed a family of four.

The_Kitchen_Guy

Early on a beautiful Spring morning, Papa Mole decided to check out the new smells and sounds of the new season. He traveled along his burrow until he could stick his head out of the burrow. It was a beautiful morning, and he quickly called Mama Mole to join him.

"It is such a beautiful morning!" he told her. "The sun is shining, I hear birds singing and I smell, why yes, someone is frying bacon!"

Mama Mole pushed her head up next to Papa Mole's and said, "Why, yes, it's beautiful and I smell someone making pancakes - buckwheat pancakes! Come, Baby Mole, and experience this beautiful day with us!"

Baby Mole came along the burrow but couldn't push his way past his parents.

"Do you smell the bacon?" Mama asked. "Do you smell the baking pancakes?"

"No," replied Baby Mole rather disgruntled. "All I smell is molasses."

lkprescott

I just got this in my inbox and had to share.

Why Women are Crabby:

We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have welts on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze. When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 ) good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the ***** (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

The teen years. Need I say more?

The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HR and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks.

Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make the Great Ghandi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me. Send this to bright women you know and make their day!!! Or at least make them laugh a little...

The_Kitchen_Guy

An old man is afraid his wife is going deaf, so while she's doing the dishes, he stands a few feet behind her and says, "Can you hear me, Sweetheart?"

There's no reply, so he steps a little closer to her and says, "Can you hear me, Sweetheart?"

Once again, there's no reply so he leans over and says into her ear, "Can you hear me, Sweetheart?'

His wife says, "FOR THE THIRD TIME, YES!"

lkprescott

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?'

The_Kitchen_Guy

The phone rings at the asylum and the voice on the other end says, "I would like to speak with Mr. Riebel in room 234."

"One moment, please," the operator says and she tries to ring the phone. She goes back on the line a moment later and says, "Mr. Riebel is not answering right now."

"Good," the voice says. "That means I must have really escaped this time."