The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

britishchef

I wish I could participate on this thread, but I don't have American Humor. I have British Humour!

The_Kitchen_Guy

That's okay - just because you add extra letters here and there doesn't mean we won't let you import some jokes.

One of our biggest jokes is PBS - where old Brit television shows go to die.

thechefofnorthbend

I LOVE BRITISH HUMOR!! (SIL is from England )

Hyacinth Bucket, just adore her!!

The_Kitchen_Guy

And now, for something completely different...


(Pssst! Amber! That's your cue!)

thechefofnorthbend

This was a guide my SIL sent me prior to my first trip over to see her and my brother when they lived there. He was stationed at Mildenhall working at Lakenheath...

Attached Files

How to get along in England.doc (202.5 KB, 83 views)

britishchef

I'd never seen Keeping Up Appearances until I moved to America.

I've never met a Brit who liked that show! It's fan base is all Americans who for some reason really enjoy it.

My favourite joke was always: So Buddha walks into a pizza parlour and says "Make me one with everything".
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An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were all sentenced to spend 10 years at the bottom of a deep dark pit. Their captors agreed to allow them each a supply of one 'vice' during their sentence. The Irishman said "I'll have a 10 year supply of Guiness", the Scotsman said "I'll have a 10 year supply of the finest Scottish whisky" and the Englishman said "I'll have a 10 year supply of the finest cigarettes".

10 years later, the Irishman staggered out and fell dead from alcohol poisoning. The Scotsman followed shortly behind. The Englishman slowly climbed out and said "Anybody got a light?".
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One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"

britishchef

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''

pcchris

ROFL!!!!!! Good job!!! See, we like british humor!!

The_Kitchen_Guy

I have to appreciate British humor - I have a Triumph. It would take someone who can appreciate a British practical joke to own one of these. Like all Brit cars, it has electricals by Lucas. John Lucas, the Prince of Darkness.

Q: Why do the British drink warm beer?
A: Lucas makes refrigeration, too.

My Triumph headlight switch has three positions: ON - OFF - FLICKER

Lucas invented the intermittant windshield wiper.

When you are touring with your British sportscar, make sure you depart for home so you can get there before dark. I didn't one time, and had to light a match to see if the headlights were on.

britishchef

Jim was speeding along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Eric?" Jim asked. "Well didn't you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Eric. "Ah, praise God!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

britishchef

A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

The_Kitchen_Guy

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community...and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife.

So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused.

He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

The_Kitchen_Guy

Quasimodo wanted to take a vacation and pleaded with the Bishop to let him take a week off. The Bishop wanted to make sure that the bells would continue to ring, so he posted the position. A man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.

They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. The Bishop gave him the job.

The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two guys were walking past.

One asked, "Do you know this guy?"

The second guy responded, "No, but his face sure rings a bell."

The next day, the dead guy's twin brother comes in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also has no arms. The Bishop leads him up to the bell tower, he runs at the bell, trips and falls to the sidewalk below.

The same two guys walk by.

The first asks, "Do you know him?"

The second guy responds, "No, but he's a dead ringer for the guy we saw yesterday."

raebates

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus".




Like Dolly Parton said, "I don't mind dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb. I also know I'm not blonde."

chefkristin

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we keep hanging out like this people are going to think we are nuts!!


I know pretty bad but it makes me laugh every time

The_Kitchen_Guy

A despondent little old lady decided to end it all, but she needed a little help. She called her doctor and said, "Doctor, where, exactly, is my heart?"

He replied, "About two inches below your left breast."

"Thank you, Doctor," she said and hung up. Later that day, he treated her in the ER for a self-inflected gunshot wound in her left kneecap.

chefkristin

LOL!!! Good One. Was her name Maxine??

The_Kitchen_Guy

A guy drives downtown to run an errand and parks his car. He is about a block away when he remembers he left his car unlocked and his bagpipes are on the back seat. He ran all the way back, as fast as he could but he was too late.

There was another set of bagpipes next to his.
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Q: What's the definition of "Perfect Pitch?"

A: Someone who can toss a set of bagpipes into a pond without hitting any of the ducks.
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Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?

A: Someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Q: What do a cat and a set of bagpipes have in common?

A: They make the same noises when you squeeze them.
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Q: What's the difference between bagpipes and onions?

A: People cry when they chop up onions.
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Q: What's the difference between bagpipes and a trampoline?

A: People take their shoes off when they jump up and down on a trampoline.
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Q: If you drop a set of bagpipes and an accordian off a 20 story building, which one hits the ground first?

A: Who cares?
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Q: What is an accordian especially good for?

A: Kindling for a bagpipes fire.
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Q: What does a true music lover have in common with a bagpiper?

A: Absolutely nothing.
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Q: What does a long court case and a set of bagpipes have in common?

A: Everyone breathes a sigh of relief when the case is closed.

genburk

Can you imagine the look on his face

This was a funny one.....

raebates

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday !!! "