The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

baychef

Oh...I do like that one, Ann!!

The_Kitchen_Guy

Ursus a Major jokester, I can't bear to try to top that one.

The_Kitchen_Guy

But I'll try anyway.

The submarine, USS Connecticut, during manuevers in 2003, surfaced between Alaska and the North Pole, sticking its con tower and rudder through the ice. This polar bear decided to see if the rudder might just be good to eat, and actually took a bite out of it! The camera on the con tower was turned on to get these photos of the polar bear and the rudder.





He decided it might not be very good to eat, but hung around for awhile, hoping that a seal might come up the hole. He finally left when the sound of an approaching helicopter seemed to ruin the atmosphere of his new favorite restaurant.



Damage to the rudder was minimal.

raebates

My brother has a new girlfriend. She has only one leg. She works at IHOP.

It took me a while to learn her name--Ilene.

The_Kitchen_Guy

If she was Japanese, her name would have to be Irene.

baychef

KG are you sure you are not the brother from another mother of Rae?

raebates

My family has pointed out some disturbing similarities.

The_Kitchen_Guy

I don't know, Rae, my family origins are in Blackford and Delaware Counties. Maybe a rogue uncle...

Did you know Ilene came from a family with several siblings that had no arms and no legs? They spent their time in unuual places, too.

A brother with no arms and no legs sat on the front porch - Matt.

A swimming brother with no arms and no legs in the lake - Bob.

A brother with no arms and no legs hang around on the wall - Art.

A set of twin brothers with no arms and no legs also hung around on the wall - Curt and Rod.

A brother with no arms and no legs sat in the mail box - Bill.

A sister with no arms and no legs worked in the bank - Penny.

A sister with no arms and no legs worked at the restaurant grill - Patty.

raebates

KG, if you have family in Deleware county, we may very well be distantly related.

Good to meet you, cousin!

The_Kitchen_Guy

I think that my relatives in Delaware County all have a really difficult-to-reach area code. My grandmother had several siblings but only one married and had children ~ he used to own a farm up in Pierceton. I don't believe his children every married. I doubt that we're related, at least, any way that can be traced.

baychef

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and
noticed the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt
pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

He explained, "The restaurant's owners hired a consulting company to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies! So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so
observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found that we could save time in the restroom by tying this string to the tip of you know what. We can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, thereby shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

I then asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the
spoon."

raebates

Little Johnny was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and
shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a
Priest came along and asked Little Johnny what he had.

Little Johnny replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world,
it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy
Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant
women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

Little Johnny replied, "If you take some of this here turpentine and rub
it on a cat's rear end, he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

raebates

Shucks, I was kind of enjoying the idea we might be related. Oh, well, I guess I'll have to be satisfied with the strange relatives I already know. It's a shame, though, you would really fit in at the family reunions.

raebates

Warning: Mild adult content

Husband and wife are in bed together.

She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.

She: "Oh, that feels good."

His hand moves to her breast.

She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."

His hand moves to her leg.

She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."

But he stops.

She: "Why did you stop?"

He: "I found the remote."

raebates

In honor of Mother's Day, Sunday, May 13th, I want to share some of the most important things my mother taught me.

My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me religion:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about time travel:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me logic:
"Because I said so, that's why!"

My mother taught me irony:
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of osmosis:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

The_Kitchen_Guy

Benign................What you'll be after you be eight.

Artery................The study of paintings.

Bacteria..............Cafeteria in the rear of the hospital.

Barium................What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.

Cat scan...............Searching for kitty.

Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.

Colic.................A sheep dog.

Coma..................A punctuation mark.

D & C.................Where Washington is.

Dilate................To live long.

Enema.................Not a friend.

Fester................Quicker than someone else.

Fibula................A small lie.

Genital...............Non-Jewish person.

G.I. Series...........World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.

Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.

Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.

Node..................Was aware of

Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear..... .......A fatherhood test.

Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative........An undercover letter carrier.

Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.

Rectum................Heck, it darn near killed him.

Secretion.............Hiding something.

Seizure...............Emperor of Rome.

Tablet................A small table.

Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus Station

Tumor.................Three, when you add 'em to the one ya got.

Urine.................When you're no longer out.

Varicose..............Near by/close by.

Vein..................Conceited.

raebates

Cute, KG. There is actually an upholstery shop in Fort Wayne, IN, named Recovery Room Upholstery. I think it's a clever name.

The_Kitchen_Guy

We have a company in our area called "Hernia Movers" and their slogan is "The Potentate of Totin' Freight."

In Indiana, I saw a dog grooming business called "Dog In Suds."

I love clever business ventures!

raebates

We have a business nearby named "The Strip Club." They refinish furniture. I'm guessing they get a lot of wrong numbers/disappointed customers.

In Indianapolis there is a place called "Chocolate Soup." I noticed that after several months they changed their sign to include the fact that they are a children's clothing store. Cute name, but I'm guessing they got sick and tired of people coming in for chocolate.

chefann

There's a doggie daycare near my office called "Canine to Five."

I'm trying to think of a good name for an eBay store - I need to sell some of the jewelry I started making so I can afford to buy more beads.