The Official Continuing Discussion of American Humor

The_Kitchen_Guy

I made a serious post in a thread up here a little while ago - I'm sorry, everyone. I don't know what came over me. (This one since you asked.)

I've been thinking that maybe what we need is a NET (Never-Ending Thread) where we can post our latest jokes so no one has to start a new thread every time a new joke sweeps over us. Who knows, maybe some (but certainly not all) of them can be used in shows!

So, I'll start it:

The_Kitchen_Guy

I knew this guy in Salt Lake City who wanted to be a novelist. He went to writing classes, attended meetings of several writers' clubs and contacted litrary agents. He wrote every day, and tried and tried.

He just wasn't very good.

One day, he decided to fall back on his second dream, that of being a carpenter. He took an aprenticeship and found out that he had a real talent for carpentry.

He's become a regular Mormon Nailer.

pcchris

If I had any jokes that weren't filthy, I'd post one...KG - that was bad...in a funny way, of course...

thechefofnorthbend

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, " Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

The_Kitchen_Guy

Two little old ladies are sitting in church. The first one leans over to the second one and says, "Millie, I hope this sermon gets over soon. My butt is falling asleep!"

"I know," Millie whispered back. "I heard it snore three times."

pixel-_

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on
I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.

When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his
patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

chefjenibel

As a truck stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of the car, runs up, knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says..."Hi my name is Kevin, its winter in Iowa, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

thechefofnorthbend

Dear Kotex,
I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had
a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:
Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.


Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.

Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated

and feeling fresh.


Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...


Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never
possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a
menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell...but go ahead...I triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya... See what happens and report back. I'll wait.


While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the
chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-damn-tee you that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.

Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess
what, the only activities that interest me is eating..sleeping..*****ing, or crying for no apparent reason.. ...and oh...does ripping someone's head off count as a friggen' activity?????


Look, females don't need or want tips for living on their
feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing
"helpful" crap like that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol & barbituates.


Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand
that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to
mention rude, and is enough to send a girl running to the Always brand. It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging.



Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw
it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer. There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don't ya just add an in-store microphone to the damn package & announce that...helloooo, another female in the store is on her period?! So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces and shove them right up your a___!



P.S. How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of Bourbon to your packages instead?

The_Kitchen_Guy

3-year-old Reese:

"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:

"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm having a real good time like I am."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

(Kinda sounds like a PC show, doesn't it?)

yummy4tummy

For all the expectant mothers...not really a joke but I guess this is the right thread.


The "Middle Wife" by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles,
model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're
welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbl of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh,
oh!' Now this kid is doing a hystrical duck walk and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread with her
little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in
yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case
another "Middle Wife" comes along.

raebates

Oh, wow, Valky. I have worked with little ones for many years. I can sooooo picture several of "my kids" doing this.

My contribution for the best groaner is:

What did the snail say while riding on the turtle's back?












"Wheeeeee!"

Told you it was bad.

The_Kitchen_Guy

Do you ever wonder, "Will I live to be 80?"

I recently chose a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing or relaxing in the beach?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked me in the eye and asked,"Then why do you give a rip?"

pcheframsey

Why are blond jokes so short???















So men can remember them!

yummy4tummy

compliments of my DD:

Q: What did the bra say to the hat?






A: You go on ahead and I'll give these 2 a lift.

The_Kitchen_Guy

If your bra is a DD, those two need a lift.

So far, your joke is the most uplifting.

DizziePixie

A teacher was explaining to an elementary class that a whale's throat is too small for a human to fit, so Jonah could not possibly have been swallowed by a whale. One little girl raised her hand and said, "If my Sunday School teacher said it's so, then it's so. When I get to heaven, I'm going to ask Jonah." The teacher replied, what if Jonah didn't go to heaven?" The student quickly replied, "Then YOU ask him!"

The_Kitchen_Guy

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Bears fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Bears fans too. Not really knowing what a Bears fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.

There is, however, one exception. Susie has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Bears fan" she reports.

"Then," asks the teacher," What are you?"

"I'm a Green Bay Packers fan" boasts the little girl. The teacher asks Susie why she is a Packers fan. "Well, my Dad and Mom are Pakers fans, so I'm a Packers fan too" she responds.

"That's no reason," the teacher says. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"

Susie smiles and says, "Then I'd be a Chicago Bears fan."
------------------------------

Oh, STOP it. It's just a joke. Admit it - you can't WAIT to use it with your own favorite team and favorite team to hate.

yummy4tummy

redneck valentine

Collards is green,
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.


When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special,
you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...
IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!

Luv, from yor redneck Romeo

The_Kitchen_Guy

Yup, the new one is out! The brand new edition of You know you're a redneck when...

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12.. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27 A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

The_Kitchen_Guy

Redneck Designer Overalls